Pink Coyote

another one of those days

my mood is the opposite of this lovely arrangement of tarts.

not a good day to post, but bugger it! i'm going to do it anyway and make no apologies.

i'm grumpy as hell. my baby won't sleep, he's nursing every hour and i'm becoming one of those little narcoleptic dachsunds featured on the discovery channel that crash on their faces when they are offered a treat by their trainer. the strain is more than they can bear...

sleeplessness is the least of my worries. miles has a rash all over his chest and back-one day it appears to improve, the next day it is red and spreading. i took him to the pediatrician yesterday (i'm not fond of most western doctors in my area, so we only go in dire situations, opting for herbalists and the like), and this guy tells me to give my seven month old adult benadryl in some juice or ice cream. wtf?? my child is lucky to get rice cereal at his age. he will most certainly not be eating ice cream. or juice!

what a complete waste of my time and money. seems we also didn't add miles to brandon's insurance policy in time (precious HMO) and so i had to actually pay out of pocket for this stellar advice. wonderful.

i'm projecting all over the place. i'm sensitive to things people say to me, barking at B left and right, eating too much sugar and just generally feeling out of balance. i want to cut my hair and for some stupid reason, i'm scared to. i just cut it on friday and i love it, but i want to hack off more. what is this about?

tonite i was in the glider with miles, far beyond his bedtime, trying to get him to sleep, and this whopper cacophany of coyote sounds kicked up. i stepped out onto the porch as my own three dogs gathered round my feet, struggling to get out the door. i listened quietly. i'm pretty sure what i heard was the voice of one celebrating coyote. one wild dog's song bouncing off the canyon walls, sounding like a pack of twenty...

that dratted trickster always lets me know when i'm lost in the details. time to step back and see the big picture again....

i have received four emails where the typist pointed out to me that she accidentally made a "freudian slip": one wrote "sos" instead of "xox", one typed "margarita beads" instead of "mardi gras beads", another wrote "you have every idea" instead of "you have no idea"...and all of them TOLD me about their slips. this is just in the last two days. i told B everything felt a bit haywire and he said with concern, "is pluto in retrograde or something?"

i'm looking forward to a quiet, relaxing weekend. what're you doing for peace and balance lately?

mining

i spoke with a friend in distress this morning. she was feeling rather bleakish. when we got off the phone i remembered my pickaxe. i lost a pregnancy well over three years ago, and in my grief and recovery, i used my pickaxe to help me chip away anything that got in the way of healing. to me at that time, healing was the sparkling ruby embedded in the dark cave wall. i was determined to get there. along the way i found obstacles in my path, most which i had put there myself. the boulders, thorny brambles of confusion, and wayward dead branches were present either to protect me or to remind me of a wound i wanted to hang onto. chop, chop. the axe belonged to my cherished grandpa, and my dad gave it to me a couple of years before the miscarriage. i had used it many times to dig out the granitey hillside we lived on. it was the perfect tool. i would need the help of my wise ancestors to get me to a place of quiet. underneath the rage, disappointment, and heartbreaking sorrow lay the chunky ruby. it held the promise that things would get better. that i would understand what all of this meant in time. that i would be a mom, someday, somehow. so this friend. she's so brave. she shows up on my phone line some mornings dressed for battle. faced with terrible disappointments and loneliness that could leave a person numb forever, she yearns to stay clear, present and accountable to her feelings. i love her so much, for being so bold and courageous, when she could opt to open up an historic hissy fit and take loads of prozac instead. i thank you friend, for showing up and letting me help you. i honor the incredible vulnerability in you. thank you for trusting me, it is the true gift.

i'm sorry, but my child is so f**king adorable i could scream.

time to go to work....*smile*

maya my love

maya is my very dear friend. she is thirty years old and not feeling well - liver cancer. PLEASE send her a focused wish for a miraculous recovery...she needs it.

i'm sorry you've had to look at my nosehairs since tuesday. thanks, mom, for bringing this to my attention.

spt

so this is what a couple grand in braces looks like after 17 years....should've gone for the nose hair trimmer, it would have been cheaper. gramma is visiting from coeur d'alene this week-i'm sneaking this post in. much to tell, much to share. until next time, go check out this. the tortured lettuce and beer glass alien is worth the visit... lovin ya.

loose ends

the little buddha has been missing from my blog lately. my computer officially hates me...i've been organizing photos for what seems like forever. i will get back on the good foot and make sure miles gets enough face time here. he is changing so quickly. now that he is six months+, he is becoming so independent. he wants to sit and play with his toys or lie on the couch while we are near. he doesn't like to be held quite as much anymore. he is developing opinions. this is scary. he is starting to give indications of what it is he wants and this is really fun. he started saying mamamamamama two days ago, but i don't think he is referring to me. seems like he uses this word to let us know that he wants nurturing. that pesky first tooth is STILL making its way in, so he gets whiny about the pain. poor little guy. he is teaching me so much about budgeting my time. i told B last night that i have always been a bit of a lollygagger, procrastinator, busyworker (read: decluttering before i can get to the real work)...since m sleeps so little, his naps mean get into the studio and get busy. i love that he is my teacher.

this is a piece i started in december. i didn't know it would be a dedication to the nine of us when i began. there are also nine coyotes buried within...my girls. all facing our tricksters and shadows and lights and stories while helping each other along. this one's for you!

the business of painting is becoming a frenzy. i have a goal to complete 24 by june, and i have varnished three so far. yikes! i do believe it can happen. i'm really enjoying my process-i feel really fearless when i face the canvas, a new thing for me. i'm just workin.

when i went back to school a few years ago, in the end to get my degree in fine art, i was of the belief that my work could not be validated without a degree, proving that i had some training in composition, color theory, et al. and i thought that i would also teach (you know, to fall back on) because i had no idea what i would do once i got the damn degree.

i met with my friend maggie in december, who does this amazing healing work that involves muscle testing your truths...i know! crazy, huh? well, i offered to be a guinea pig as my two other dears watched-the statement i gave was "without my degree i cannot do the work i am meant to do". she asked me how true the statement was on a scale of 1-10 with ten being really true. i think my answer was eight... so she worked quickly to reverse this belief, did a little clearing and then asked me again. i truly felt, not because i had changed my mind about the thing, but i truly felt like this wasn't true anymore.

just like me, i went on and forgot about it. until yesterday. i realized that the plaguing, heavy, dark, sinking, burdensome feeling of needing to rush back to school to finish the monster under the bed was not there. in fact, i had not thought about it since.....WAIT A MINUTE!!? since december???? wtf?

so i'm turning this over, you see. just one of the many little colored threads in my consiousness.

this week i am working with:

*Bear-for strength, major unearthing in order to tune into that psychic glitter that helps me express myself.
*Dolomite-for eliminating confusion-getting clear.

LOVING the processes of these lovelies:

teesha moore, jenny vorwaller, and tara finlay. they are all amazing. go see!

sending you a hunk of earthy red modeling clay to press your unique thumbprint into, leaving your magic mark on the world, because i am waiting to see what you've got, i know it will be jsut marvelous...

judgement

i am officially declaring it my deep medicine in life. all of my teachers, chosen and unchosen, are showing me this potential poison. i am at the point where i can feel it physically rising up in me. sometimes the results are positive and sometimes negative. i know it is connected to being a sponge for material.

i am an observer-i notice everything. the minute details do not usually slip past me. next step, i immediately form an opinion (note narcissism): i love it, i hate it, its mediocre, its the best ever, i have mixed feelings. operating like a feeling-meter, i am trying to make sense and meaning of the stimulus i come into contact with.
this seems at this moment, a boring as hell thing to think about, but when i am stung sharply by my inner meter, it comes forward in my consciousness and i then yearn to keep that tool more in check.

case in point: i have a teacher that i respect. i have lately been surprised by some of her teachings, they seem contradictory to what our object is. i come away from work with her with my kneejerk reaction of "that work made me feel uncomfortable" or "i think her choice of words were inappropriate to the work we do".

if i stopped there, i suppose i should worry. but what i am glad of, i see now, is that i see myself trying to stay open to the real meaning of my experience. that bit that makes me uncomfortable or perks up my antennae is what the work is really about for me. not just the cozy stuff that makes me feel light inside. sometimes that stinks. i want it to be so much easier. *sigh*

i seek to be clear on my inner workins. that takes effort. my reactions to *whatever* speak clearly of my baggage, my unresolved matters. i just hate it sometimes! i want it to be your problem...that would make the conversation in my inner living room so much more simple.

on the sunnier side of me, my studio is so satisfying today. with B's help and her table and files, i am fracken organized!

here are the jewels i can't live without today:

#the song such great heights on an eternal loop-mommies (or anyone interested in naps), get thee to iron and wine-the perfect lullaby.
#new soap.
#ripe mango for breakfast. shared with blue girlie.
#this old friend.
#this artist.
#the amazing Steve, and her thoughtful wisdom, who does not have a blog! but hopefully soon...

my mentor and taos hermana, jennifer louden, is so good at doing these scrumptious closures to her newsletters, so i do feel a bit feeble doing it myself, but i think its worth it. if you don't subscribe to her self- care minder, treat yourself, its free! she's a riot. plus her retreats are insanely worth the money.

i send you clean running water into a turquoise glass that reflects its communicative light up into your weary eyes when drank and purifies your cells one by one....

grounded

it is late and dark here and i should really be in bed. i feel sort of giddy, not in an anxious way, but in that "i feel wonderful, but i can't really articulate why" sort of way. i am aching all over from overnursing a clingy, teething baby and bending over signs that i painted for my friend's store that is having its grand opening tomorrow. so tired, but exhilarated. my senses are dancing around to this ancient echo in my bones. something about this evening has the most magical quality. like a mad banshee on fermented turnips, i'm devouring this company's cedar incense (the sweetgrass is great, too) and white sage and wild mint tea. oh my goodness, if you are transported at the whiff of brambly, california hillsides or real campfires, go quickly. i think drinking the tea and burning the incense in my studio tonite is what lit that spark at the seat of my soul and has me up late ready to howl at the moon... makes me never want to go to sleep again... like when misty dawn fritchey and me got new blue school shoes and loved them so much that we kept them on when we went to bed. dynakids, they were called...her grandmother would have had a fit had she known. this fine night i send you much needed rest, the kind that sends your little hairlike roots travelling deep into the earth, pushing your way softly toward your own fertile center where the magic is sparking without you even knowing it...

UNUSUAL

it is unusual

i put this out for you because you

came tapping at the window weeks ago

you finished a whole one

then, like that faker,

the sun

you disappeared a week ago

and i have not seen you since.

where did you go, needle-beaked

red-headed emerald friend?

was it something i said?

spt:water mama

okay, so this isn't exactly a "self" portrait, nor super creative. but its all i've got for the moment.

i'm so grateful for all you've said in the last post. it wasn't meant to be a "tell me how you love me" post, but it feels like that! i like to reassess my web identity once in a while-get a range of views of how my words are perceived. many of you said that you come here for inspiration-one of those concepts i still wrestle with from time to time. i think i get it now. my mind goes into a bubble sometimes and i grow foggy. your words help me squeegee the glass. thank you!

water water water. i think we've received over four inches of rain in the past 24 hours. what a gift from the sky. though i am anxious to get outside and tromp around in the sagebrush with a babe strapped to my body, i am so so happy that the mighty pines are getting a much-needed drink. winter has been a bit wimpy thus far and the dreaded bark beetle strikes when moisture is low, killing many of our sacred friends.

elementally speaking, water is feminine energy, emotions flowing, creations beginning. i see earthworms on the driveway-i yearn for them to stay on the earth! hurry back before the sun comes out and bakes you to a noodley crunch! earthworms teach us of casting off in order to create fertile soil. if we work over the old thouroughly, we are free to move on to the new.

today i am holding in my body. the stress of a couple of unresolved issues linger in my trapezius. i know that when i make the phone calls, file the paperworks, finish going through the channels of operations, i will be free to create new energy.

until i do, i think i'll just help the earthworms get back to the soil....

spring

springtime cupcake on my worktable.

i had planned an entirely different entry for today, but i am not going to post it. it can wait. instead i'm going to ask a question.

why do you come here, to my little corner nook? what do you hope might be waiting for you?

Funday II

this was a cool funday find: cherry flavored flashing light rose ring. so rave.

a gums.
this is my fabulous friend, diane. she is opening her very own health food store, called The Tree, THIS WEEK. WOO HOO! watching her dream come true is such a gift. diane is one of those people who is right there at your elbow with her sleeves rolled up and cheering you on when you are making one of your dreams come true. she is fearless, daring and beautiful. she will be slinging organic yams and biodegradeable diapers on tuesday. i'm so proud to be diane's friend.