I've drank a bit too much coffee this morning and not had any breakfast yet. This would explain part of the trembling that is moving from my head to my toes. But not all of it.
A couple of days ago, I was sent a book review from U.S.A. Today by a dear friend who is a mother, a child advocate, a Marriage and Family Therapist and a feminist. The book is called "The Feminist Mistake", a marketing play on words from feminist superhero Betty Freidan's The Feminine Mystique. The subheading for the article read: "is a well-crafted cautionary tale for women of all ages." Though the review does point out that Leslie Bennetts' weakness is that her "campaign for financial autonomy is so shrill and unrelenting that it borders on a harangue," it promotes Bennetts' book, the main point of which hinges on the idea that "Women should make work a top priority with the lifelong goal of self-sufficiency".
It is tempting for me to ask where Bennetts has been while her two children were growing up? I want to lash out in anger at her for steering women away from their children and toward their careers. Why? Because her premise reeks of her own trust issues, which she barfs out on women who are taking care of their first responsiblity: the children they chose to bring into this world. I suppose I am trembling because this review says nothing about the decision to not have children in favor of a career. It sounds like women should strive for it all, marriage, work, and children-however neglecting of the marriage and children that may be. Because after you've nailed the perfect American life, hurry back to work so you can self-preserve.
I'm projecting, of course. Like I do. I haven't read the book. But I already hate it. Haranguing? Is she attempting to bully women into neglecting their children because of her mother's and grandmother's weaknesses? I just don't get it.
My friend, the one who forwarded the review, wrote a rebuttal to be published here and hopefully elsewhere. I'm pretty sure the ezine gets mailed to your inbox, so do check it out to read the complete rebuttal.
In the meantime, here's a tidbit: "While I can appreciate Leslie Bennett's message to women regarding the importance of financial autonomy, it is not as black and white as she seems to portray it. I take exception to the idea that women who drop out of the workforce or scale back when they have children are making a mistake or running the risk of derailing their careers. It need not be that way."
And more: "Perhaps women need to ask themselves this question: Which matters most--my children or my career? If the answer is their career, it is a crime that they bothered to have children. I have counseled too many clients whose issues started with the abandonment and neglect they experienced as children because they had a working mom as well as a working dad or perhaps an absent dad. Kids that are put into daycare after mom's maternity leave is up without a thought to the abandonment and neglect they will experience at being away from their primary caregiver all day are the kids we see today with behavioral problems from anger to aggression/violence to ADD, childhood depression, anxiety, and other lifelong problems occurring with greater frequency than ever before. Women do not have to give up a career entirely if it is important to them, but parents need to put their child's needs first."
One of my favorite blogmamas also has a strong sentiment worth reading. She presents the economic facts about women in the workplace.
I have very strong feelings about what our personal damage drives us to do. Children are always the sacrafices for our shit. It angers me, saddens me, hits me like a boot in the belly to see neglect and abuse everywhere I go. In my opinion Bennetts is using her Vanity Fair status to push her ideas that children will be fine without their parents.
The woman I love to listen to calls this The Tulip Theory: "Many, but not all, of these women were not well-nurtured themselves, or they have a low bar for what they think children need, because they may not have been sufficiently mothered as much as children need to be nurtured. So, they are a little cold to the idea of mothering, which is one of the long-term side effects of daycare and nannys. These wonderfully strong and creative women are operating on the Tulip Theory. They think that everything the child needs is inside, just like everything the tulip needs is in the bulb. They think that children need a good home in a good neighborhood, a good school, a good nanny or day care provider, a good role model, and they will be fine. They actually think the issue is about quality daycare. They have different ideas of what "fine" is than we do. They don't know that any and every child (who doesn't actually have a physical brain abnormality or disability) can be a genius and can go for greatness. They don't realize that they are settling for less. They don't know that their children need them, and no one else can take their place. They don't know that there are degrees of impact on the child who is farmed out, depending upon how young and for how long. They don't know that this is a mental health issue."
Amen, sisters.
Be sure to share what you think. What a great opportunity for us all to get vulnerable and talk about our fears and what we're doing with them.
