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May 2007

May 22, 2007

Still Avoiding Self Improvement At All Costs

I'm busy...

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Watching the herbs go to seed

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Packing for colorful Portland again and dreaming of my yummy elements

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Saying Arrrrrr because we're pirates

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Enjoying Gina's pottery more than I can tell you

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Jonesing for the tomatoes to turn red

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Stripping the tiki mama of her old paint to reveal her true shiny, shiny nature

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And pestering my man while he makes ill attempts to shower in peace (Bakersfieldian for "Leave me alone", not to be confused with namecalling British slang)

See you all when we return from our extended stay in the City of Roses for Princess Juj's wedding. I'm looking forward to having sweets from her second favorite Pix among other things....

May 14, 2007

Freedom: Day One

Today is my first day of officially celebrating International Freedom From Self-Improvement Day, created with love by self-care author Jennifer Louden.

Here is what I've got:

I have begun the morning doing what I am moved to do and nothing more. A *should* came up-that I should be responsible and balance the bank accounts. And I asked myself if not answering that *should* would make me an irresponsible person, because that is what a tiny but growing voice was hinting at. These still-existing voices allow me no joy. Of course I have to take care of the banking-but why must the thought of it be laced with judgement, cruelty, a nagging lack of love, negotiation with the terrorists within?
Today I’m saying fuck the terrorists. I’m going outside to put my feet under the waterhose and admire our new tiny trailer, the Tiki Ti.  (More about that vintage hottie later.)
I’ll get to that banking sometime today. For now, I want to notice all that is behind that simple task, and of course, get my feet wet in the meantime.
I want to be careful that in my thinking I’m not actually *shoulding* myself to stop *shoulding*.
Oh dear.

May 13, 2007

Mother's Day

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         A boy.                                    A tree.                     A trailer.

         What more could a mother ask for when all is divine?

May 09, 2007

Freedom From Self Improvement Day

Pixspgreen_1_1_3 I'm super excited about the launch of Jennifer Louden's holiday: Freedom From Self Improvement Day on May 14th.

It means a great deal to me that Jennifer does the work that she does: actively and wisely leading women toward self-care.  It would seem that most of us were not taught how to take care of ourselves- I wasn't, so now I live forgetting to do things like EAT and SLEEP, and be nice to myself when I'm struggling. 

Jen says, "After all, I’m the perfect paradox: my mission in life is to help people feel how perfectly okay they are and I constantly struggle with evaluating myself for everything I’m not doing or didn’t do right".

This really resonates with me.  Being a parent has made my self-awareness and evaluation multiply by about a bazillion.  I really don't want to f*ck up my kid, so I second guess what I'm doing with him a lot, which leads to trying to improve myself every minute of the day.   Many times, it isn't very productive.

Some of my favorite non-self help writers will be contributing to this project, and I'm ecstatic about hearing what they have to say about all of this "don'ting" and "shoulding" that rains down in our inner ears.

I intend to fully embrace Jennifer's holiday, and turn that switch off next week!  Want to play with me?

May 08, 2007

Quick Fix

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Sleepyhead roars awake rocking in style

I spent the weekend at a myofascial release workshop near Pasadena-my body is having quite the detox effect.  Anyone doing a cleanse or fast may want to compliment their efforts with this book and ball.  It's a bit of a dorky, homemade looking outfit, but the stretches are photographed clearly and it works amazingly well. 

Myofascial is different from rolfing, it involves stretching the connective tissue that holds everything together (and runs inside and outside of muscles, et al) and holding it for 2 to 20 minutes until the tissue releases.  Thank goodness it hurts a lot less.  MFR is totally the missing link for me, in physical healing work.  It so comprehensively addresses the whole body.  I'm hooked.

I had many stubborn parts that didn't want to let go (me?), and hurt really badly!  But after 14 hours of stretching (!), I feel like a wet noodle on acid.  MFR is used to treat just about every bodily ailment you can think of-I can't wait to introduce some of my moaning-in-chronic-pain clients to it.

Oi! Oi!

May 03, 2007

Secret

I do believe Oprah's intentions are good, from what appears.  But I plucked this quote from a Salon article this morning, which fell across my desk with rather strange timing:

"Secret"-style belief is a perfect product. Like Coca-Cola, it goes down easy and makes the consumer thirsty for more. It's unthreateningly simple, and a lot more facile, sentimental and, perhaps paradoxically, intractable than the old-fashioned kind of belief. Like Amway, it enlists its consumers as unofficial salespeople, and the people who constitute its market feel like they're part of a fold. It's indistinguishable from, and inextricably bound up in, the Oprah idea of self-esteem, the kind of confidence you get not from testing yourself, but from "believing" in yourself. This modern idea of faith isn't arrived at the old-fashioned way, by asking questions, but by getting answers. Instead of inquiry we have born-again epiphanies and cheesy self-help books -- we have excuses for not engaging in inquiry at all. Let other people schlep down the road to Damascus; we'll have Amazon send Damascus to us.

I have my hands on a copy of this film and will be watching it in the next day or so.  I've been spying on it where it sits a bit apprehensively.  I want to know what the buzz is all about-and why it is affecting such a huge number of people. I also have a growing concern for the positive thinking ethic that exists in our culture.

Positive thinking can be great, it's been a useful tool when I've tried to change old habits, etc.  But where it doesn't work for me is when it causes me not to see or close my mind off to the truth. 

I hear people shutting down their negative feelings so often in the world, I seem to have developed this superauditory seventh sense for it.  It kills me when I hear people having legitimate concerns about themselves and then they answer their own inner red flags by saying that they should just try to "stay positive". I see many parents in my community whose child is crying out for them and I hear them saying: "Stop crying!", "Don't cry", or they never even look down into the handled baby bucket or stroller, leaving the child to continue painfully crying out for comfort.  Heartbreaking, this shut off valve.

It's alarming to me.  Why do we have such an aversion to our negative feelings?  Is it because we fear the original source of the feeling?  As I continue to trudge the rutted road of my healing process, I have to look at where my willingness to shut off my authentic kvetching comes from. 

My idea is that once I heal the old thing which causes the low feeling to kick in unconsciously, I will cease to have to try overriding it with an affirmation-I don't think my brain cottons to rewiring without this step.  Talk about using excess energy negatively!  Fighting my own negative feeling is much more detrimental than soothing it with false positives. 

Is it possible that many of us were once in a bucket, crib, or circumstance, crying out in some way for comfort or help and we were ignored by those people who were supposed to be taking care of us?  Could a mechanism be created out of this pattern where a child who had to do too much self-soothing grows into an adult who soothes herself with positive thinking (material stuff and other fake helpers)-because going back into that place of not feeling taken care of is really scary and potentially dangerous to her? 

Before I continue this rant, I'm going to have to watch the film.  Collectively speaking, we could enthusiastically accept the Secret's belief of attracting material success without ever wondering why it is so many of us deeply, in our bones, need that success in order to feel full.  I have to wonder how the empty feelings got to be so devastating motivating.

May 02, 2007

The Do Nothing Garden

Doing nothing is a future goal of mine.  I have not begun to get close to doing nothing at this point in my life-but I see it up the road a bit.  Keri's Tuesday entry inspired me to talk about my garden here, and my hopes for it, and how the philosophy spills over into the rest of my life. 

We live on 2 1/2 acres of washed out desert dirt in the south central Whitelavender_1_1

California valley.  It's where I grew up.  My parents live 2 parcels down on their 2 1/2 acre piece.  The chunk we live on belongs to them, and my dad built this house we live in.  The soil is pretty barren; a test I did showed that there is literally nothing in terms of nutrients in the soil and that it is highly alkaline.  In short, it needs major ammendments to become really fertile.

There are some pretty bright minds out there, tackling the issue of where the world will be in 10-50 years, but the ones intriguing me the most at this time in my life are those who emphasize learning to feed ourselves.  Psychologically and collectively speaking, we are a very dependent culture.  Many of us do not know the difference between food grown at home and food grown far away-what is in it, at what point it was harvested and by whom, whether the farmer and his workers were paid enough for it for them to live on, whether it was irradiated or not... 

With that in mind, I wanted to explore growing some food around here.  I started a compost pile to cut down on landfill contributions, though it's gone a bit crazy at the moment.  I read some books.  I've considered adding chickens to fertilize, weed and eat my leftovers, but haven't gotten to that yet.  What we have done is begun some little experiments called "guilds". 

I'm so excited about guilds because they are a model that could effectively do all of the work I would normally have to do: fertilize, water, feed, kill bugs, draw pollinators, create habitat for beneficial sorts, crack open hardpan, and mulch.

I've created four guilds and will begin another three in the next month or so.  I have no idea if they will really work, but here is what I did for one of them:  All guilds begin with a simple tree, preferably one that has a few functions such as fruit, nuts, shade, or flowers.  Then around it I planted these guys:

*Nasturtiums-this flowering, fast grower is a soil fumigant-she keeps scores of destructive, plentiful-in-my-bad-soil organisms off of my tree's roots.  I planted scads of these from seed packets.

*Root vegetables-also from seed packets-radishes, rutabaga, carrots, mainly.  These break up the hard soil.  In fact, what we don't want to pull and eat, I can snap off the greens and eat them or toss back into bed for instant mulch and let the root rot in the ground, feeding the soil and providing food for worms.  Radish1_1_1_2

*Beans and snow peas-these fun vining varieties feed my lacking soil with much needed nitrogen.  From just a few plants, we munch on sweet, raw beans while we're out inspecting plants and removing weeds.  We haven't had enough to cook yet, but we will.  You can just poke a dry bean into the soil and have a plant in a few days.  Beanspeachguild_1_1

*Artichokes-these plants totally rule.  I bought some tiny cheapies at the nursery and they are going nuts.  Their big, spiky leaves fall off on the underside of the plant and create lots of mulch for the tree and the guild.  Artichoke_1_1

*Strawberries-for groundcover-to shade the spots where the sun beats down on the earth and sucks away the nutrients.  Clover is also great for this and is a nitrogen fixer, too.Strawberries_1_1

Though I putter around out there, nurturing the newer plants and asking them what I can do to help, soon, most of my work will be done.  These little communities have been created to take care of themselves so that I won't have to, except to eat them, smell them, or enjoy them visually. 

If the guilds flourish and become jungle-like, this will be the best thing I have ever learned and executed in my life.  I say this because it seems to come much easier to me to make my life more busy, difficult and overwhelming than to do things that make it run smoothly.

May 01, 2007

For Nina, Whom I Heart

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This photo was inspired by Nina who sometimes takes pictures of random rated-X findings.  I love her.