I don't know where the time goes.  The days look so different now that I am working and a parent.  I don't think I realized how things like writing blogs and reading blogs would fall to the wayside, among other things.  The funny thing is that I blog in my head every day!  I will lie awake writing about my day or about a miraculous moment.  When I never get around to putting it here, I feel somehow like a part of that moment becomes lost in the flurry.  This format has become like a little photo journal of motherhood and creativity, airing my laundry and sharing plans for the future.  It is sometimes difficult to just let my blog float around unattended out here in cyberspace, knowing that I'm not keeping up on it.  Somehow just sitting in the discomfort of the things I can't get to is good medicine for me.  Being quiet with uncomfortable feelings is something I don't love.  This must be a big reason why at times I've filled my clock up with people and events and work and all of those consuming things. 

I am still doing too much.  I've got a retreat in April, one in May, a vision quest in June, a proper vacation in September, and clients who wish I was working more.  I don't practice what I'm preaching to all of them, which is to slow down!  I do try. It seems weeding in the garden is never done. I'm noticing what comes up for me when I put the brakes on everything.  The stillness makes me anxious.  A fear that I'm missing out on something or that life might just very well pass me by occurs to me.  Or lonely feelings from my childhood creep in, coupled with a boredom I don't fully understand, but it feels like life isn't working and that I must do something to make it work. 

Doing healing work has a surprisingly grounding effect on me in the middle of all of this "doing". While I'm working, I feel like the hands on the clock are moving slower.  Do you ever feel like this?  That when you are doing a work you are meant to do, that you are suspended in time?  Though the physical labor part of it exhausts me by days end, I feel of great value in my community and I come home to put my babe to bed feeling fulfilled.  Right now, I have time for little else (besides retreating with women, apparently).  Some items on my life list must wait for a while before I can nurture them into giant sunflowers, as now is a time to keep my nose to the grindstone and my eye on the prize.

Comments

[holli]

this really hit home for me tonight....it just makes me feel like we are going through things and thinking thoughts together in a way. we're connected.
i love you.

[Laurel]

I do miss your poetic ruminations. I blog in my head, too. It's weird, like narrating your own life. But I've always felt that when something funny or awful or great happens during the day, I haven't completely processed it until I've shared it with someone. And almost the only time I feel like I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing is when I'm writing. I wish I felt that way more often about being a mom!

[Gemma]

You wrote, "...lonely feelings ...creep in, coupled with a boredom I don't fully understand, but it feels like life isn't working and that I must do something to make it work."

This is right where I find myself when I stop all the daily flailing and stuffing-with-media. Thanks for the validation that this is a normal and common human response or experience, not an abnormality. Also the reminder that just sitting with it is often the thing that unlocks it, unlocks *me*.

[Goddess Leonie]

hey babeareeno,

just wanted to connect... say hello and g'day and hope yo are well dearheart :)

things in leonie land are gentle and sweet, like a big sea swelling and resting in emotion...
just got back from some adventures across the land with my man and dog and jeep... i could be a full time adventure queen i think :)

think of you often, as an archetype in my mind...

with love,
leonie