i'm writing all small tonite. i feel a bit nervous.
i've been watching marisa at creative thursday with awe this week, sharing videos of herself that have a very vulnerable quality to them. i get butterflies when i watch them and i get them now just thinking about sharing my voice, not just in a tiny little embedded media player, but on a moving screen. along with my face. i've been RIVETED by marisa's e-course i've been taking this month, concerning the artist's online presence. The course has been delivered weekly via podcast, followed up with a video between classes. i've really enjoyed the flexibility of the media as well as having a new way to interact virtually that seems....virtually intimate.
i tend to avoid these types of things. since i was very small and got my first tape recorder [those hulky, black, boxes with the giant keys you had to depress two of at the same time to begin recording], i have cringed at the sound of my own voice. i can hardly watch my own wedding video. after eleven anniversaries, i think i've watched it three or four times because of how self-conscious i am about hearing my own voice.
this does not stop me from talking-i loooove to talk. its just that i hear myself differently on a recorded device and i don't like the way it sounds. i have a friend who is a broadcaster in radio and before clearchannel took a dump this year, she used to phone me frantically- "My five-at-nine cancelled last second and I need you to make 5 requests on air...right NOW!"
on the spot recording makes me just about want to toss my cookies bigtime. so i'm trying to decide if the butterflies are indicating that this is something i need to explore or if my gut is telling me to run. away. fast.
marisa sometimes says that she has had to do take after take. i fear it would take me all night and i am certain i would never be happy with it(the butterflies just took flight again).
what would i say? why would it matter?
hmmm. in the spirit of improving myself (facing fear=confidence) i want to try it, but in the spirit of cowardice, i want to dismiss it. i'm going to think on it.
i have to summon mondo cajones.
in only slightly related news, i did bother to finally figure out how to embed videos here and i can't stop listening to *and watching* nataly dawn.
sometimes, "there is only make".