Works in progress for upcoming secret group show!
As I sit to write this, I feel giant sighs coming up and moans wanting to emerge. I don't know where to begin my entry. Shall I tell you all about the misery/hopefulness of last week's four doctor visits? I think I shall spare you and just say that the kids and I are taking a course of antibiotics, Ivy is also on an oral steroid for the wheezing, I have severely sore ribs and chest from the strange, urgent coughing that is still persisting and I'm generally just waiting out the meds to see where to go next.
My challenge is that I always feel like I should be doing something. And if I don't take some kind of major action, my self-judgement comes on strong because...I should be able to control this and make everything better, right? Aren't I superwoman?
While I practice surrendering deeper still and trying to improve my outlook, I managed to come into my studio inspired to complete a project I began a couple of weeks ago. The terrible reality of being ill more often than not, is that I've had to brace myself to have to back out of commitments I made when I was well for those five minutes back in March. Disappointing someone is one of my least favorite things to do. But with some luck, it looks like I just may be able to pull off the next show.
Healing takes time and while I have really felt like curling up in a ball and giving the finger to everything that could possibly be responsible for us being in this state (including my own neglectful habits), I'm attempting to be still and allow myself to heal without too much emotional whipcracking.
I turned back to the stories that sustain me last night, and realized that sometimes I am dancing in Red Shoes, exhausting myself on all levels. The question of the year seems to be "For what am I exhausting myself?"
Tonite as I worked, I felt the warm, familiar sensation of my soul filling up. My hope is that I can ship these pieces at the end of the week. But if it turns out that I simply cannot, I will remember the sensation, and allow it to be enough.
"[But] the wild nature teaches that we meet challenges as they occur. When wolves are badgered, they don't say, 'Oh no! Not again!' They bound, pounce, run, dive, scramble, play dead, go for the throat, whatever needs to be done. So we cannot be shocked that there is entropy, deterioration, hard times. Let us understand that the issues that entrap women's joy will always shift and shape-change, but in our own essential natures we find the absolute stamina, the necessary libido for all necessary acts of heart." p. 261 Identifying Leg Traps, WWRwtW.