Photo by Kate Inglis.
Holy mackerel, it's been a long time since I've written anything here. The Squam season kicks my ass and this year has been no exception by a long shot. I'm not leaving home for a while, and that will settle things tremendously.
Oh, sisters. There's so much to say, and yet I feel so quiet and withdrawn. Autumn SouLodge is rocking my socks off and also pulling me in (and down) to look at my shadows and what's lurking around down there in the swamp.
#1 I keep going to a dry well to quench my thirst. It's so far down there I hardly recognize it. And I resent it. The thirst.
#2 Overfilling my plate with commitments is not the same as overfilling it with Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. There is no end to it. More like Halloween candy.
#3 Vices vices vices. I am not immune. I just bought a case of chewing gum at Costco to feed my restless jaw. I don't really like chewing gum. It has strange chemicals in it.
#4 Old issues of how to do relationship bit me in the rump last week and that one really stings. My days of throwing babies out with bathwater are over (I think) but the need to run comes up from time to time. I put on my running shoes for the first time in two years and literally ran, instead.
My inner voice is very coachy and sometimes borders on shame-y. In a Come On Now, Aren't You Over That Yet? sort of way. I sometimes feel like I'm having a round robin in my head-one is cracking the whip and one is coming in to dose me with compassion and nurturing.
One says "The medicine is on the road, go walk it."
The other one says, "There is no Eagle outside of you who can save you."
And such is the clusterfuck of the shadow season: one part all alone in a frightful aloneness and one part supported by every living thing on this planet.
I have risks to take all by myself and I'm not wanting to look at them in the face.
Black Panther is by my side in Lodge to walk and stalk the shadows with me. To meet my own anxiety head on and break it's tyranny. I am looking for what truly is, and the rest can burn away. I have my circles, those gracious formations of women, spirits, mystery and magic. And I have my Self. My sacred self.
What would it be like to know that you are sacred, even when the shadows cover you over?
I've updated my Resources page, have you checked it out lately? James Hollis is my Shadowlands companion when the ride gets bumpy.