This is a little multimedia portrait that I did of the sweet Goddess of Leonie a bit ago for our chocolatey drippy afternoon at the Portrait Party. The photo is a bit flashy, but bear with me, people. L, your original is on the way!
Thank you to the amazing Rama and Christine for creating this adventure!
These are two paintings I recently finished. It has taken me about a year to complete them but I am satisfied... I began them as a diptych but they sort of became their own entities as my work has a way of doing. They are hanging together in our hall at present and I have no idea what the future has for them!
I've been calling them Mako and the Dragon:
I think about and use the word "authentic" a lot. Lately, words that I have used unconsciously are coming to life within my cells in a new and strange way. "Authentic" used to feel like it meant to create my own self from my dreams, wishes and desires. I am feeling now that those dreams, wishes and desires are usually connected to an aspect that is not especially me, perhaps inspired by what someone else is doing with her life, or what may be striking my ultimate fancy in the moment. Today, "authentic" feels like it comes from my bones.
When we are infants, we learn to adjust. We read our parents' moods, fears and emotions. We develop a strategy for survival that often betrays our authenticity. We may protect mommy's feelings, stuff our own emotions if our parents' don't like them (especially the angries, saddies), and hide our curiosities, thereby controlling ourselves in order to please mommy and daddy and be "good". These coping strategies are essential to our survival, even moreso in homes where skins are thin and pathology is thick.
For me, a first born child, I took pleasing my parent's very seriously. I see that not every child cares to please their parents as much. And I do believe that I learned to betray my authentic self then and do still.
Here are my Do's and Don'ts for Authenticity today:
Do:
Remember the truth of where my struggles originate, this is my roadmap to healing
Take off all masks
Get angry, emotional, frustrated, sad without caring who sees
Make mistakes
Fill myself up with what my soul wants
Listen to the kind voices inside
Write for hours
Say Ouch when it hurts
Find safe people who want to see the real me
Recognize the shadow's impulses
See that what I received is easy to give
See that what I didn't receive is impossible to give without conscious awareness
Have an ugly cry when I need to
Remember that strange or out of proportion reactions are childhood talking
Don't:
Avoid feelings
Stuff feelings in
"Let go" until I'm absolutely ready
Stop feeling until I'm complete
Hide from others
Defend behavior
Overprotect the opening heart
Shame
Steal for my shadow
Take myself out of my feelings when the fear comes
Perform for love, approval or affection
