Today I am sending out an offering of my beautiful friend and her wisdom:
The Challenges of Parenting by Stephanie Anderson Ladd, MA, MFT
As a marriage and family therapist, it was not unusual for me to get a call from a frustrated parent wanting me to see her 4 year-old son for behavioral problems. He had recently been sent home from pre-school, first for hitting, then kicking, and on his third strike, for biting another child.
We set up an appointment and I surmised that the curious, smart little boy in front of me was taking out his anger at pre-school because his parents were operating at opposite extremes when it came to discipline. He had a new baby sister that was suddenly the star attraction and he was often caught treating her roughly when he thought no one was looking. Mom felt guilty that she didn't have enough time for him and tended to lecture him when he misbehaved and dad usually spanked him for his misdeeds. Both mom and dad used the same parenting techniques learned in their respective families and generally disagreed about the most effective way to parent their son.
The first thing I helped them understand was that their child had feelings of jealousy about being "dethroned" and needed help with these feelings as well as needing to be stopped from hurting his sister. The second issue was discussing more effective ways of discipline than lecturing or spanking. Spanking is an ineffectual mode of discipline that creates feelings of anger, helplessness, and loss of control that often backfires later when the child tries to take control of others. Lecturing doesn't work either, as children quickly tune out.
As I worked with them to learn what natural consequences might look like (see examples below), I also referred them to parenting classes at The Institute for Professional Parenting (TIPP) in Valencia, CA. Soon, these parents were on their way to trying new skills that allowed their son to express his feelings appropriately, resulting in a calmer, more secure child.
Parents at odds about how best to raise their children is not an unusual situation and was one of the impetuses for starting TIPP, a non-profit organization committed to teaching parenting skills as well as helping people heal from childhood pain and trauma. TIPP was founded by Dr. Faye Snyder, Psy. D. who has dedicated her life to understanding and teaching how personality is made, not born.
The causal theory is the basis for the 8 week Miracle Child parenting series offered five times a year in Valencia and West Los Angeles, CA. The parenting classes will soon be offered on DVD and audio CD. The next series of classes begins in Valencia on September 12, 2007.
Having taught and counseled parents for some time, I have noticed that parents ask more questions about discipline than anything else. They want to know what's too much, what's not enough, what is effective for what age and what is not.
Here are a few basic do's and don'ts of discipline:
Don't discipline in anger.
If you lose control, you appear weak to the child. It may be important to look at your own anger and determine if you are trying to get even for your own childhood and how you were parented (you may need to deal with your own anger issues first).
Do set a good example by modeling the kind of behavior you expect of your children.
Hitting children teaches them that it is okay to hit and that violence is a way to solve problems; not a message we want to send our children out into the world with. Parents need to ask themselves: Do I clean up my own mess? Do I admit when I am wrong? Do I keep my commitments? We can't expect our children to do as I say but not as I do.
Don't hit, yell at, name-call, shame, or otherwise demean your children when they misbehave. Give them a natural consequence for their behavior-one that is logical and naturally follows from the infraction.
A natural consequence for pushing another child is not being able to play with that child until he uses words instead of hurting and ammends are made. If the behavior is repeated, then the child will learn that no one wants to play with him and that his parents will not allow him to play with others until he is safe. (We also want to find out what the child is angry about and causing him to act out.) A teenager gets freedom equal to the amount of reponsibility she exhibits. If she doesn't do her homework and her grades slip, her privileges (cell phone, computer time, or other distractions), are revoked until the grades improve.
Do let your children know what you expect and set limits without guilt.
Children understand fair rules and reasonable expectations. Long explanations and lecturing imply that you don't recognize your childs ability to figure things out and learn from her mistakes. When children experience natural consequences they get the lesson and you never need say, "I told you so". (Pixie would add that this works with spouses, too-Hi Brandon!)
Don't set limits without following through with consequences.
Repeated warnings only tells a child you don't mean what you say. Weak or inconsistent limits with no consequences create a mean, inconsiderate, angry child who continually pushes the envelope. This child secretly wants to be stopped.
Do get help if what you're doing isn't working.
Children are our mirrors, their behavior is a reflection of how we are parenting them. It helps to remember that parenting is a learning process-for both children and parents.
Ongoing parenting classes are available at The Institute of Professional Parenting located at 28416 Constellation Road in Valencia, CA, for more information, call(661)-294-8477.
Stephanie Anderson is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Pine Mountain and Valencia, CA. She is available as a parenting coach by telephone appointment-call or email with inquiries: (661)-242-0719 stephanieladd@earthlink.net
Stephanie is one of my dearest friends and I want to thank her for writing this article! Without her encouragement and total faith in my ability to heal and create a healthy family, I would not be a parent today. She is pictured here with her daughter, Chloe and sweet mutt, Maggie.
