Pink Coyote

I don't know where the time goes.  The days look so different now that I am working and a parent.  I don't think I realized how things like writing blogs and reading blogs would fall to the wayside, among other things.  The funny thing is that I blog in my head every day!  I will lie awake writing about my day or about a miraculous moment.  When I never get around to putting it here, I feel somehow like a part of that moment becomes lost in the flurry.  This format has become like a little photo journal of motherhood and creativity, airing my laundry and sharing plans for the future.  It is sometimes difficult to just let my blog float around unattended out here in cyberspace, knowing that I'm not keeping up on it.  Somehow just sitting in the discomfort of the things I can't get to is good medicine for me.  Being quiet with uncomfortable feelings is something I don't love.  This must be a big reason why at times I've filled my clock up with people and events and work and all of those consuming things. 

I am still doing too much.  I've got a retreat in April, one in May, a vision quest in June, a proper vacation in September, and clients who wish I was working more.  I don't practice what I'm preaching to all of them, which is to slow down!  I do try. It seems weeding in the garden is never done. I'm noticing what comes up for me when I put the brakes on everything.  The stillness makes me anxious.  A fear that I'm missing out on something or that life might just very well pass me by occurs to me.  Or lonely feelings from my childhood creep in, coupled with a boredom I don't fully understand, but it feels like life isn't working and that I must do something to make it work. 

Doing healing work has a surprisingly grounding effect on me in the middle of all of this "doing". While I'm working, I feel like the hands on the clock are moving slower.  Do you ever feel like this?  That when you are doing a work you are meant to do, that you are suspended in time?  Though the physical labor part of it exhausts me by days end, I feel of great value in my community and I come home to put my babe to bed feeling fulfilled.  Right now, I have time for little else (besides retreating with women, apparently).  Some items on my life list must wait for a while before I can nurture them into giant sunflowers, as now is a time to keep my nose to the grindstone and my eye on the prize.

Little Things

Hello, there.  It's been a little while.  My family and I have been off on more adventures, some exciting and creative and some tiring.  The superflu hit last week and took us down.  We're still coughing, but feeling much better.  Is it my imagination or are flus and colds getting harder to beat these days?  So much is swimming in the creative recesses, and I'm excited to tell you but I also like keeping things close to my heart right now, as my absence here sort of indicates.  I've never been a private person, but for some reason, I just don't feel like going into the details much lately.  I'm not sure why.  I've been working with armadillo medicine this new year and becoming aware of some armor that was so comfortable and lightweight I hardly knew I was wearing it!  My soul work keeps going deeper and deeper.  Striving to be conscious of what I do and why is not unique to me.  I see and hear that people everywhere are giving birth to new consciousness.  In my own little way, I love knowing that my family is changing, too.  Since Christmas, all sorts of little shifts are taking place around here.  I darned my own socks for the first time ever.  Patched some clothes that I might have ordinarily thrown out.  I made teas, baths and steam bowls from plants when we were sick. Some I made first time medicinal friends with, like yarrow and catnip.  We stopped buying shampoo and conditioner in plastic bottles and started using bar shampoo, which was strange at first, but now feels fine.  Little things need to change sometimes, too. 

I had a dream of a white bear recently, speckled with blue and cinnamon.  It was chasing me through a junkyard and I was carrying Miles and making many narrow escapes.  I finally climbed a giant pile of scrap metal to a high place where I could see everything below and the bear was much too big to reach us.  Making changes feels like this to me. I get to a point where I shove myself forward and then later I might be able to survey what I left behind with a little objectivity.  Hopefully.

Circling

I met with my mountain circle this weekend for our quarterly pilgrimage inward and into nature, and my heart always comes back feeling so full.  I LOVE retreats.  It is the way I  most love to formally recharge.  Each new year I make lists of how I plan to take care of myself better so that I'm a happier mom & partner, better bodyworker, savvier businessperson, fulfilled artist...often the lists include eating more whole foods, planning more creative excursions, taking workshops from people I admire and want to learn from and stretching my comfort zone in all areas of my life.  I find that retreating with women-for a day or for a week at a time-gives me the longest lasting and most inspiring results to step forward into my world with.  A shaman brings medicine to the tribe after journeying into the outer realms of consciousness for information and guidance.  When I come back from time away, I always feel like I've grown in some sacred way.  I always learn something valuable about myself and those I'm circling with.  I've come to rely on this time with other women.  I'm pretty sure my life depends on it.

Be Who You Are

"What blocks most people from manifesting their dreams in life is their fear of being who they are.  Sometimes this is a fear of non-acceptance from others.  Sometimes it is a fear of failing.  Sometimes it is simply because their whole life has conditioned them to live in a manner entirely alien to who they really are. 

Once you 'be' who you are, then you must do what is necessary to be you."

--Ted Andrews, Animal Speak

We Gather

Just a little conversation can begin a revolution.  Speaking from inside of ourselves or out loud with someone we know, we all have the seed lying in the center of our beings for love, transformation and growth.  When birthed into words, that which moves us from our centers can manifest into movement.

I love to gather.  I especially love to gather to honor women, and I leapt at the opportunity to assemble a small group of moms to initiate a dear friend into the mothership circle.  What began as a subtle, spoken yearning by Keri to be surrounded by "mama energy" before the birth of her son culminated in an amazing, whirlwind weekend of food, fall color, mommies and babes in Woodstock, NY.

I'm beginning to be at a loss for words, so visit Wendy who found a beautiful song that I think describes what happens when we gather perfectly.

What stands out for me most of all, is the mighty courage it takes for women to fly and drive great distances to support another woman in her rites of passage, and how this is a lost practice in our culture that is making a comeback.  It might be easy for someone to shy away from other women or artists for fear of being judged or thinking that they may not have much to bring or offer others.  Nevertheless, women are sitting on floors and couches, on the earth and on the chairs of their ancestors with each other, sharing stories, fears, and finding their voices.

We must all keep having the conversations, sending out the smoke signals for support when we need it, asking for what we want, listening for the drumbeat, and answering the call to quest.

Here's to four amazing mothers, two curious boys, one brilliantly growing seed, and two that are being dreamed of today.  You are all brave and shining. 

   

"If the world is to be healed through human efforts, I am convinced that it will be by ordinary people, people whose love for this life is even greater than their fear.  People who can open to the web of life that called us into being, and who can rest in the vitality of that larger body." --Joanna Macy

Good Little Deaths

It seems that everywhere I turn, the people in the various communities that surround me are experiencing little deaths.  From a shamanic point of view, we journey to undergo psychic death of an idea or something we just can't seem to figure out, in order to come back with the energy and perception of someone who has been born anew.

I find it exciting to know that I live during a time where people speak openly about what it is they struggle with, that healing comes to us when we refuse to repress our mistakes and weaknesses.  I am so thrilled that my son gets to grow up in a generation where many of us embrace that it is okay to make mistakes!

Like mythical heroes, we get to leave our challenges behind and plant our feet firmly on the path to our adventure of self-discovery and greater conscious awareness.  We can choose to be "unstuck" from the sticky mess the generations before us may have been mired in, and blogging, meeting with, and talking with friends helps this process unfold.  It seems that by exposing our stories, we find ourselves acting out or embodying the plots of the heroes within us and rising to heights up and beyond what we may have felt set up to do.  This is so inspiring to me.  I feel grateful.

Today seems time to move further into my journey. 

"Today there are support groups and twelve-step programs for almost everything.  Just a few years ago, people were embarrassed if they had to see a psychologist; now they discuss their therapists over lunch with their friends and colleagues.  We have seen a proliferation of self-help books that have avid readers. Ours is, in some ways, a culture that wants to get well, and one increasingly open to spiritual as well as scientific means for getting there."--Carol S. Pearson

GREAT JOURNEY RESOURCES THAT NEVER GET OLD:

The Hero With a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell (or anything by Campbell or Jung).

The Heroine's Journey, Maureen Murdock.

Swamplands of the Soul: New Life in Dismal Places, James Hollis. (sounds dreary, but really a good resource for any challenge any of us face-great, too, for anyone with residual anxiety, fear, doubt, angst, among the other depressed states)

Soul Retrieval:Mending the Fragmented Self, Sandra Ingerton (a good source if your soul was really abused by neglect, abandonment or trauma).

Way of the Shaman, Michael Harner. 

The Hero Within: Six Archetypes We Live By, Carol S. Pearson

and, of course, anything by Jungian analyst, Robert Johnson. 

How will you hear your truth speaking to you today? 

Untitled Perfection

It seems that "God" is often the hot topic where I work.  In this small town, religion rules.  B and I were pillowtalking about gnosticism, atheism, brights and other -isms last night.  I told him how I was just tired of labels. 

I am.  Would you judge me a better person if I told you I was an "environmentalist", a "vegan", a "liberal"?  I do make assumptions about someone's character when I hear their label, and I have put my own labels out so that people will make assumptions about me.  When I started to eat fish, I was hesitant to lay down my vegetarian label because it felt comfy, plus I still wanted to be associated with the positive ethical assumptions one sometimes makes about vegetarians.  But I had to, because it didn't fit anymore...it was a too tight sweater that had to be tossed in the donation pile no matter how I'd loved it.  I fell short of its expectations and at times seeped through it's seams.  It felt uncomfortable because it wasn't true.

God is no different.  Most assumed definitions of God make me fidget and do little for me spiritually.  Divinity, too, but I like the word better than the G-word.

Einstein referred to what amazed him as "the awe of the universe".  I clutch that phrase a bit because I am so amazed by life and emotion and people and miracles-it seems to encompass so much.  Some things are too complex, beautiful, and emotional to describe in language.  The little things that sparkle in the spaces between what we can talk about are the places I feel divinity dwelling, like in the suppression of air beneath my baby's hand as he is placing it over mine or the gasp between my neck and earlobe of my lover's breath.

I reach for my pen or my camera and find that this disappearing and reappearing piece of lovedust has escaped through my fingers again.

My friend SJ gives the greatest hugs ever, no one can duplicate them. She makes a circle on your back with her hands, but it feels like a swirl of warm energy on your soul.  Divinity.

That splithair second between a dividing embryo's cells-divinity.

Wings and wind lifting together...a fleeting pink and purple sunset...the subtle and sometimes surprising drive in each of us to act out of immense love toward another being...a sincere almost-tear floating in the corner of my girlfriend's eye...colostrum's magical antibodies...

For me, none of this magic lives in judgement of others, in the concept of a wrathful God, punishment, sin, or whatever the opposite of sin is, or in labels.

I don't know what to call it and I don't suppose it needs to be called anything at all.

Still Avoiding Self Improvement At All Costs

I'm busy...

Watching the herbs go to seed

Packing for colorful Portland again and dreaming of my yummy elements

Saying Arrrrrr because we're pirates

Enjoying Gina's pottery more than I can tell you

Jonesing for the tomatoes to turn red

Stripping the tiki mama of her old paint to reveal her true shiny, shiny nature

And pestering my man while he makes ill attempts to shower in peace (Bakersfieldian for "Leave me alone", not to be confused with namecalling British slang)

See you all when we return from our extended stay in the City of Roses for Princess Juj's wedding. I'm looking forward to having sweets from her second favorite Pix among other things....

Freedom: Day One

Today is my first day of officially celebrating International Freedom From Self-Improvement Day, created with love by self-care author Jennifer Louden.

Here is what I've got:

I have begun the morning doing what I am moved to do and nothing more. A *should* came up-that I should be responsible and balance the bank accounts. And I asked myself if not answering that *should* would make me an irresponsible person, because that is what a tiny but growing voice was hinting at. These still-existing voices allow me no joy. Of course I have to take care of the banking-but why must the thought of it be laced with judgement, cruelty, a nagging lack of love, negotiation with the terrorists within?
Today I’m saying fuck the terrorists. I’m going outside to put my feet under the waterhose and admire our new tiny trailer, the Tiki Ti.  (More about that vintage hottie later.)
I’ll get to that banking sometime today. For now, I want to notice all that is behind that simple task, and of course, get my feet wet in the meantime.
I want to be careful that in my thinking I’m not actually *shoulding* myself to stop *shoulding*.
Oh dear.

Freedom From Self Improvement Day

I'm super excited about the launch of Jennifer Louden's holiday: Freedom From Self Improvement Day on May 14th.

It means a great deal to me that Jennifer does the work that she does: actively and wisely leading women toward self-care.  It would seem that most of us were not taught how to take care of ourselves- I wasn't, so now I live forgetting to do things like EAT and SLEEP, and be nice to myself when I'm struggling. 

Jen says, "After all, I’m the perfect paradox: my mission in life is to help people feel how perfectly okay they are and I constantly struggle with evaluating myself for everything I’m not doing or didn’t do right".

This really resonates with me.  Being a parent has made my self-awareness and evaluation multiply by about a bazillion.  I really don't want to f*ck up my kid, so I second guess what I'm doing with him a lot, which leads to trying to improve myself every minute of the day.   Many times, it isn't very productive.

Some of my favorite non-self help writers will be contributing to this project, and I'm ecstatic about hearing what they have to say about all of this "don'ting" and "shoulding" that rains down in our inner ears.

I intend to fully embrace Jennifer's holiday, and turn that switch off next week!  Want to play with me?

Dancing Authentic

 

I think about and use the word "authentic" a lot. Lately, words that I have used unconsciously are coming to life within my cells in a new and strange way. "Authentic" used to feel like it meant to create my own self from my dreams, wishes and desires. I am feeling now that those dreams, wishes and desires are usually connected to an aspect that is not especially me, perhaps inspired by what someone else is doing with her life, or what may be striking my ultimate fancy in the moment. Today, "authentic" feels like it comes from my bones.

When we are infants, we learn to adjust. We read our parents' moods, fears and emotions. We develop a strategy for survival that often betrays our authenticity. We may protect mommy's feelings, stuff our own emotions if our parents' don't like them (especially the angries, saddies), and hide our curiosities, thereby controlling ourselves in order to please mommy and daddy and be "good". These coping strategies are essential to our survival, even moreso in homes where skins are thin and pathology is thick.

For me, a first born child, I took pleasing my parent's very seriously. I see that not every child cares to please their parents as much. And I do believe that I learned to betray my authentic self then and do still.

Here are my Do's and Don'ts for Authenticity today:

Do:
Remember the truth of where my struggles originate, this is my roadmap to healing
Take off all masks
Get angry, emotional, frustrated, sad without caring who sees
Make mistakes
Fill myself up with what my soul wants
Listen to the kind voices inside
Write for hours
Say Ouch when it hurts
Find safe people who want to see the real me
Recognize the shadow's impulses
See that what I received is easy to give
See that what I didn't receive is impossible to give without conscious awareness
Have an ugly cry when I need to
Remember that strange or out of proportion reactions are childhood talking

Don't:
Avoid feelings
Stuff feelings in
"Let go" until I'm absolutely ready
Stop feeling until I'm complete
Hide from others
Defend behavior
Overprotect the opening heart
Shame
Steal for my shadow
Take myself out of my feelings when the fear comes
Perform for love, approval or affection