Pink Coyote

This Beautiful Week

My piece for CORE which is seen here missing a couple of elements, such as it's deer antler button closure and wooden cap. Her capelet is also unpressed. She was prettied up for her debut, I assure you.

This piece evolved from a very different idea into one which symbolizes so much to me. She speaks about integrating all of the parts: Innocent, wise, vulnerable, fragile, ill, reborn, enchanted, rescuer, shadow, wild; parts that we split off of and yearn for until we can piece ourselves back together. I'm sure you can guess which fairy tale I borrowed from to make my point.

Here she is in her glory. The Goddess McCabe Russell took this photo and I'm so grateful because I took only two pictures of the piece and they're both super dark. What you can't see in either of these photos is the fox tail that adorns her back bottom side. Perhaps someone got a good pic of her showing it.

CORE was an unbelievably fun night, filled with amazing music, familiar faces and art. I'm so proud to have been a part of it. The women who came to this venue were divine on so many levels and I've learned so much from them.

These are snaps from the show. I can't recall the titles of each one, so I'll just have to list the artists only! I wish I'd gotten more photos. Shame my hands were full of people and wine all night!

 

Christine Mason Miller.

Outi Harma.

Marisa Haedike.

Liz Kalloch.

Photo of Miles and Erin by the illuminating Stacy de la Rosa. Brandon braved the traffic with both little ones and came all the way to Los Angeles so Miles could see the display and meet some of the artists. I love my husband. He is so courageous and willing.

Sarah Ahearn.

Kelly Barton.

I have to thank Anne Carmack ONE MORE TIME for her vision, her energy, her grace and her unfaltering sense of glee at organizing this show. If you were able to come, thank you for your support! It was a lovefest, man.

And I can't mention the week without raising my tea mug to the finest Alpha Goddess to walk the earth, my Girly Blue. You my love, are what dog history is made of. How I miss you and yearn to kiss you and sniff you nose to nose. I'm remembering all you've taught me, recalling your beautiful, gentle strength. We love seeing you in our dreams, so please visit often. Peace to your ever joyful heart, sweet hound.

It's Only For Now

Thank you all for your comments about Blue and our loss yesterday. Such heartfelt messages have kept us warm through the night. Bless!

It's odd how this whole thing has hit me. I hadn't known what to expect when Blue was diagnosed and I had almost two months to prepare for her leaving us. The oncologist gave her one to four months, the day after we returned from Squam. Time is so deceitful when you're waiting for your loved one to die. What is a month? A tiny blip on the screen.

I've felt guilty some. When I look at the many photos of her I've snapped in the past few weeks, but especially those from yesterday, I try to read her face to see what she may have been saying that I didn't catch. She stares back at me, laughing in some of them, pained in others. How could she be so full of grace and dealing with the unholy takeover of her body at the same time?

Tonite, during snuggle, Miles told me he was ready for her to come back and sobbed and said that she was never coming back. I'm thankful he can discern his feelings. We talked about where or what she might be, as he's always had this spirity way of asserting his ideas of reincarnation, something we've never discussed with him. He thought she might be in another galaxy, a scrub jay, a rainbow, a falling leaf, kissing gophers. As he mentioned these possibilities, his mood seemed to lighten. Mine did, too.

When I asked him about where he got the notion that when beings cross over they come back as something else, he said, "This is what I know". It is EXACTLY what he said when I asked him the same question about a year ago. And what I find peculiar is that he seldom repeats himself verbatim. There's always a fresh twist. Except with this.

 

It's Only For Now You Know, Hidden Eloise.

Vegging out on Etsy tonite (my kind of painkiller), I came across this item from my favorites and stuck it right in my cart. I love Hidden Eloise and have bought from her before. She's a delightful little spirit and I love the emotion of the characters in her paintings. I also bought one from Amy Blackwell, who's work I can't get enough of. I'll share it when it comes in. 

November is an easy month to be grateful in. The heart seems to settle in contently for a short time just before the Christmas rush, doesn't it?

I'm so grateful for the way Blue loved me. I'm so grateful to know that I am not alone.

Sweetest Dreams

Tonite I lay snuggling Miles in his bed after storytime and he said,

"Snuggle me," in a way  that suggested that my nose wasn't touching his quite enough.

My eyes were closed and I said sleepily, "I'm so tired, I think I'm fading out."

His sweet reply, "Well it is snuggling when you fall asleep next to someone you're loving on."

After all.

 

Blest

We must laugh and we must sing,

We are blest by everything,

Everything we look upon is blest.

-Yeats

Wild Thing

My little Wild Thing is 4 today. We are going out to search for lemon cake with lemon frosting with caramel poured over the top, at his request. He has also suggested we eat lunch at his favorite creamery, followed by dinner at his favorite Mexican food restaurant- where deep fried bananas and ice cream will be his dessert of choice. He has a plan. He always has.

Sweet Monkeys, etc.

A long, fun weekend was had...

Swimming

Birthday pizza-partying and bouncy house jumping

Reprioritizing

Letting go

Eating sea-salted tomatoes from my dad's garden with breakfast

Loving on new baby heads

Drool-dripping toddler kisses

Changing out dining tables

International video-Skyping (practicing, you know)

Making snow cones

Doing the Boom Boy dance

"Snuggles not struggles"

Finding teething gel that works

Packing without panic

New embroidery thread

Picking more peaches

Ivy finally takes a bottle of pumped milk (triumph!)

Comforter Ghost and foam ball fights

Girlfriends as neurotic about some things as I am

Not sweating that I don't know what to wear to east coast wedding next week

Drawing cottages, drawing breakthroughs

Buying mail lubbins on etsy for snail love

Tissue paper flowers not unlike the ones I made from toilet paper squares as a child

Sweet monkeys all around me

 

Southern Retreat

Escondido is beautiful, with a morning marine layer that makes having coffee on the patio so wonderful. The view from Terri's & Mark's home is incredible. Apparently the lake can be seen from one of the twins' room, but I haven't crept in there with my camera yet. I've not taken very many photos, but I wanted to share a couple of Ivy and Miles by the pool. We were here a year ago and I was just, just pregnant with the dumpling. I'm noticing how very much life can change in a year. I mean, look at that! A smiling person that resembles chubby candy!

 

 

Both of them have been sleeping so well here. I think it must be all of the playing we're doing. Miles isn't grieving bedtime like he does at home. He mourns sundown every day as if it were his last. Many nights he's said that he wanted to "start over the days", woefully, carrying that grief, wishing for one more moment to live before surrendering to the sandman.

I think I approach my work this way. Since I'm such a night owl and set to work long after the chickens have retired and the owls are out hoot-hooting outside my window, every minute counts. I love having uninterupted time to problem solve and mix my colors and flip through my notebook trying to trigger the exact way I saw it in my mind. If I only had more time, there's so much I could do!

 

Giveaway

I'm giving away two SANCTUARY prints which feature a dashing rhinoceros. They misprinted by about 1/16 of an inch and my eye just zeroes in on that stuff zap. So they are slightly imperfect, but lovely for those who are not into symmetry! Leave your comment and I'll announce the winners next Monday! Easy peasy.

Rhinoceros is associated with discriminating senses, ancient wisdom and solitude. They can teach us how to be comfortable in our own thick skin. This is good medicine for anyone seeking to make the quest into greater self reliance and less dependency. Rhino is called upon by those manifesting quietude and sanctuary within. This handsome fellow is temporarily departing the conscious realms and making the journey into deeper, wilder places...

 

I'm now including a little mini card version of all pieces of work with the *readings* written on the back. If you made a purchase from me prior to this fly bonus and would like me to send you one of these in your print post-haste, email me at pixiecampbell@gotsky.com.

Meantime, I'm totally inspired by tiny art galleries on wheels & you are beautiful.  YOU are beautiful.

And loving these eyelashes. He is beautiful. ME SO LUCKY!!!!!!!

 

 

Some Mighty Good Stuff

It's been a crazy couple of days at our house. Ivy took about an ounce of milk from a bottle tonite while Miles and I were out gathering a couple of jingly things to help her with the car ride northward where we'll be visiting with friends this weekend. Our little mermaid doesn't like riding in the car, and until tonite she would not take any pumped milk-she only digs the real thing. So we're making a little progress, so that Miles and I can have a date together now and then. When I arrived home she and Brandon were the best of friends in a way I haven't seen them before. So yummy. Daddy's mermaid girl...

She still thinks her bedtime is somewhere between eleven and twelve at night and I've created some habits out of exhaustion that I'm already regretting-like nursing her for an hour until she passes out. At a certain point, I just lost my ability to creatively problem solve. I'm working on it, but I think it's pretty safe to have "Frustrates Easily" tattooed on my forehead, as I've planned to for many years now.. I'm only staying up until 3 am a couple of nights per week to paint and do all of those things I wrote about last post. *sigh* The new mama sleepies are starting to catch up with me. I'm having some trouble keeping up and it kills me (my ego) to admit it. I wish I weren't one to spread myself so thin all the time. Balance.

Balance, Balance, Balance. Balance!

Enough kvetching. Here's a cute bag I sewed for one of Miles little friend's birthday last weekend. I had a lot of fun making it and it was super easy. The applique part did not turn out as um, professional as I wanted it to. But I don't think the handsome Cole minded. It's got a little vintage leather coat button secured to it for snazzy looks, but I made a velcro closure for easy ripping open when collecting treasures in a hurry. I stuffed it with healthy (er) snacks and a couple of little books and off we went. No wrapping required!

Below is a pic of M wearing his dinosaur hat, which I think looked like a cross between a fez and a pharoah, (fezroah?) in this shot. I snapped it right after he finished his slab of chocolate cake and captured the drunken euphoria at once. I love pictures like these, the ones that haunt you for a lifetime. We have a snap of my cousin from about 25 years ago making the kookiest face and no one ever forgets it. It's seared on the memory. I hope M won't hate me for this someday. I'm going to take my chances and live for the moment.

 

The absolute best news I've heard all day is that my dear, dear, sweet comrade Wendy over at MotherRising is having great luck and fully booked her first Mighty Girl Art Camp, an amazing week-long day camp for girls to live out their creative dreams in a rad tipi with goodies galore. I do believe my friend is the best qualified person to make a difference in a young girl's life. Hands down. If you are located in the D.C area, go find out more about enrollment! If you're inspired, create your own neighborhood goodliness this summer! If you'd like to make a contribution to share with the girls, contact Wendy! She'd love to hear from you! Thank you, Wen, for sharing your light with those who really need it. Your work is so important!

Have an inspired weekend, already. xo

Music in the Park

A couple of weeks ago I got the hook up from Mati Rose on Facebook about a little folkish duo, Renee & Jeremy, and their KEWT video. I immediately clicked over and bought tickets to see them play at a little nature & music festival in the park. The funny thing is that they played at the creepy old zoo site at Griffith Park in historical Los Feliz, literally 2 minutes from where we lived in L.A. before we headed for the hills nine years ago. An added bonus is that Tom Freund played and we loved he and his funky band. (He played a medley of You Are My Sunshine and This Land is Your Land and I got all choked up. Why do  songs like this cause such a tug? Or am I just a sentimental dweeb?) Both bands were great and it was so wonderful just to be lying on the grass outside under the sycamores!

It was a really sweet show and though the craft booths were pretty lo-fi, it was an amazingly beautiful day and Miles thought it was the "most funnest day" (to quote one of his friends).  

We did a little snugglin',

 

 

A little jammin',

 

A little snackin',

 

A little drinkin',

A little more drinkin'- my kinda drinkin'!

 And finally... a little sleepin'.

 

It was a very good day...

In other news, I do believe I've changed my mind. I would like to go to Squam Art Workshops this year. Before Ivy arrived, I didn't know what I'd be up for! But now I know. Except, I don't quite know how I'm going to pull it off. Being jobless with a noob doesn't exactly lend itself to cross country travel to connect with likes and deepen one's craft... Hmmmn. I'm determined to find a way to make it work.

Meantime, I've added one more painting to the shop (+ prints) and there will be three more added by weeks end. Pinky swear!

;)

 

Block Print

It seems like our craft room is undergoing a major shift-everything Miles and I set out to do must be done in little segments. We have to actually plan to be interrupted non-stop as I manage Madame Moo (because she's milky, not because she's a cow....c'mon!), gather snacks, supplies, clean up, and put out little fires all. day. long.

So today's project fit well within those limitations: block printing! This morning, I received an Etsy email with a tutorial in it from ArtMind, and I had all of the supplies on hand-synchronicity! It was so much fun, and now I plan to block print on anything I can get my hands on. It's all I want to do!

Here's what we did:

Miles drew a picture, "Happy Raincloud" (he signed his masterpiece after I scanned it):

I shrunk it down by 50% on the copier and then traced the image with a soft lead pencil. I placed that face down on the block and rubbed with a harder lead pencil to transfer it onto the block. A burnishing tool or a spoon would have worked just as well. It was surprisingly easy, so next time Miles will be able to do this part. I went over the lines with a sharpie once it was transferred onto the block to make carving it easier. Next, I washed the whole block in warm, soapy water.

Then I carved out the lines (not the negative space, that would have taken forever on a line drawing like this one) with a #2 lino cutter, and the block was finished.  The round eyes were a a little bit of a challenge, making the turns might be a bit better with a firmer block like Dick Blick's Blick Blue Easy-To-Cut. We squidged some block print ink out onto the paper palette and ran the small brayer through it until it was totally covered.

 

Both of us practiced applying the ink to the entire block and then pressing it on to different cardstocks and papers. Our favorite was plain old, white cardstock because the blue looked good against it and the image came through the most crisp on white. We'd be wise to glue it down on a piece of wood for easier, stamp-like application, but we were too excited to go to the trouble today. When we might only have 5 minutes to create, we have to cut to the chase. (Note to self: buy a bottle of ink extender)

The clean-up couldn't have been more simple, just water and a little bit of a paintbrush in the small cuts rinsed off all of the ink in seconds! Now we have some spiffy cards to send to the grandfolks and far away friends!

         

 

 

Being Mom

 

Holding JOY

Containing sacred tears

Loving 

intensely

Sacraficing willingly

and

unwillingly

Showing up for work

imperfectly

Seeking the right words

messily

Changing my mantra

daily

Delighting

regularly

Staying connected in the rough moments

Honoring

souls

Nurturing

people

Trying

Growing

In total gratitude

 

 

Love to all mommas!

Going to Seed

Scene: Storytime at bedtime tonite.

Miles, (sorrowfully): But I don't like it when the beyoofull flowers die and all of the seeds blow away!

Me, (assuredly): I know. Mother Nature gave everything it's season, babe. And don't you love to blow those blowing flowers into the wind and make wishes as they sail off to land on the earth to make more beautiful dandelions?

Miles, (almost crying): No and I...um...! I just want them to stay golden and beyoofull and... not die!

Me, (almost crying): Even if one small flower can send out all of it's tiny seeds and make a hundred dandelions?

Miles (calming): No, mama.

Miles Lighthorse, 3 1/2 years. This morning was his first day of preschool.

My little guy is growing up.  He's been wanting to "go to school" for almost a year now and today he finally set sail into the world into a two half-days-a-week program after being under my protective wing for this long. It was a bit rough on him. The teacher, Miss Lupe, finally created an inroad for herself by showing him how to put paint in a pizza box and roll a marble around in it over a fishie cutout and create some colorful swirls.  But she also confessed that at one point he pulled his hat over his eyes and clamped his hands over his ears.  I phoned after he'd been there for two hours and they put him on the phone.  "I'm tired of being here", he'd said, woefully.  Ivy and I piled into the car and drove immediately to pick him up.  I found him on the playground looking a bit overwhelmed. The other kids seemed to be moving so fast. He looked like someone in a movie scene, caught in slo-motion while everyone else races around. He's a very conscious and sensitive fellow and when my eyes met his, he looked at me with such relief, as if just the connection to someone who knows him was all he needed to find his light again.

He wants to try again on Thursday and B and I agreed that it will be good to keep trying as long as he wants to go.  I may end up picking him up after two hours for a few weeks, but I'm willing to do it so he can decide whether this environment is nourishing to him. I can see the potential at this larger preschool for him to have fun and learn how to integrate into a group.  But part of me yearns for a little intimate setting which is slower paced and more thoughtful. I don't know of a place like that here.

While we wait, painfully, to see how he will adjust, I'll keep looking for a place that might be better suited for him. It was so hard to send him off today. Part of it felt like I was throwing him to the wolves, not knowing what loneliness feels like to him or if he was being heard. He speaks so quietly and softly, my fear is that he might have felt invisible there.  But perhaps that wasn't the case.  It's really the first time I've ever had to wonder. 

*sigh*

Tiny seeds all eventually blow out into the wind to find their own way in the world.  Knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

Captain's Log

 

all of the elements came together and stars aligned

 

and all of hollywood shined its favorable light upon our first daytrip

 

and we weighed ourselves on each different planet

 

and found that we were just as clever in heaven as we are on earth

 

and we hearted it all and it was good

Alumi-nated

Miles and I decided to collage some robots yesterday morning.  As the sunshine streamed through the window, and Ivy slept-giving us precious one-on-one creative time together that we've been missing terribly-we cut, pasted and chatted away. Mostly chatted about the amazing things that robots can do-like "build glass" and "just talk by squeaking".

 

 

He put a heart on her torso-for love, of course. (Wall-E has definitely had an impact)

 

 

He decided to call her......wait for it.......ALuminNa, because "she's made of aluh-mih-nuhm fole". Again, no excited coaching from me, believe it or not-he came up with this all on his own.

 

Today I won a trophy for Largest Bags Under Eyes Since the Beginning of Time. [Oops, was that a scoop of caffeinated coffee grounds that accidentally fell into the filter?] Not that Ivy didn't sleep a nice 5 hour stretch last night-she did. But the colicky evening began at 7pm instead of 8pm and took its toll on my confidence after a time.  The  thing I want to do most is to be able to soothe and comfort my baby. Inconsolable crying for several hours (a hallmark of the early days with both of my children) undermines my ability to believe that I'm doing everything I can. I just keep asking myself-what else should I be doing that I can't see right now???  And that really messes with me! It seems not to matter that I know this dance very well and I know it passes just before I crack.

Oh, it still totally messes with me! And I've been as ungraceful as I can possibly be at times, feeling sore, haggard and tired plus all of those things Oriah Mountain Dreamer writes about in The Invitation.

I'm YEARNING for some creative time just for me.  You might remember that I was on fire in the weeks leading up to her birth. There's an Etsy store announcement in my future (Earth Day? Too ambitious?), a new banner stirring in the pot-if only in my head, and some block prints to be carved. She will only be this tiny and needy for such a short, bittersweet period of time. While I'm enjoying her immensely, I realize that all of life is about balance-about finding those things that cause glittering, dripping-with-honey manna to appear before me so that I have some sort of reserves to draw on in the most delicate moments. Creating anything makes everything right for a while.

 

My little Ivy sweetpea, climbing up into her life at 4 weeks old today.

 

Written on the Body

   

One of the many faces of Ivy-crashed out, mouth open.  We're so happy she's sleeping today.  Yesterday was from hell. I don't think she slept twenty minutes in a twelve hour stretch. And believe it or not we are still wrestling with that cockamamie virus that has been plaguing us for three weeks now. So I'm in crazed momma mode-is it colic? Is it reflux? Could it be that her throat hurts like mine does? Maybe it's just her immature digestive system...or what if it's her neck out of alignment from birth????

If I only knew what it was, mommy could fix it all up right. Right? Today we took her out for her first day out of the house. At sixteen days old, we decided it had better be the creamery.  I had coconut sorbet made with coconut milk since I'm kicking dairy to make sure she's not allergic or lactose intolerant. I had an oatmeal cookie to make myself feel better about it.

She rode in the car like a pro and crashed on me in her sleepy wrap sling while we were there, jamming out to Kim Carnes and Betty Davis Eyes and watching the dinner crowd slowly filter in. Miles had cookie dough with chocolate sauce. It was all I could do not to take pictures the entire time.  We were out-as a family of four, in our new life with each other.

Once home, we bathed and crashed ourselves. It had been a very fancy day.

I'm Just Sittin' Here 12 Days Old

 

Life with Ivy is good. She is a very easy baby-the only complaints she has are about gas and burping. Seems she can suck in quite a bit of air-perhaps her latch could use some work.  Easier said than done in the dark in the wee hours when it's just she and I tapping out the soft rhythms of the new mama/new baby dance when the world is silent and sleepy. I actually had to go online to try to find some new burping positions and to be reminded that it takes some time.  I love how tiny the details of life get when a baby is born...

I gave her her first bath tonite. She kicked her little froggy legs back and forth and I told her stories of swaying jellyfish and songster dolphins and she fell asleep as I poured cups of water on her back. She's a total goddess and I love it. I love treating babies like the sacred little buddhas they are-it makes me feel so honored to be one of their guides. It's odd to think of how babies come to us, in their own perfect time, not to be possessed, nor as our property-but to be guided gently into their individuality so that they can be healthy people in the world.

We chose her name, Ivy, because it symbolized climbing, a certain verdant growth-far beyond us -and because it had the feeling of a cool and magical forest where moss grows on all of the tree trunks and rocks, and little streams trickle through.

I keep finding myself saying to Miles over and again, "I'm so happy to be yours and Ivy's mommy!", and I'm sure he thinks I'm perfectly insane.

 

These are some little legwarmers I knitted for the babette yesterday-super easy, using organic cotton yarn that is beyond soft for as cheapo as it is.  I cast on 16 stitches and split them somewhat evenly over three 10.5 double-pointed needles, knitted 8 rounds then knit two together on stitches 1&2 then 8&9, then knitted 22 more rounds.  (I did knit two more together just two rounds before I bound off, but then I undid it because it wasn't easy enough to get them over her feet.) They're totally no-frills.  Might have been lovely with some stripes in other colors and the yarn does come in green and an earthy tone that actually grows that way. These things keep her little stems toasty, yet I don't have to wrestle every time she blows out her diaper-which is often.

And the most magical, proud magnadoodlerific moment of the week was this:

 

"Mawma, this is your big fat TB from when the baby was inside. And these are your stretch marks. And this is your VAGINA."

Can I hear an "Amen" ?

Full

 

2.5" x 5", Mixed-media on reused plyboard from a cookie box, 2009.

One of my favorite things I've ever heard Miles say: "Why are those foxes putzing around at night?" (while reading a book about Sonoran desert wildlife).

Putzing around is a term I use with him when he is stalling at bedtime, lollygagging about when I'm trying to dress him...typical impatient mom lingo.  When I started inking on the surface of the above tiny piece, that's what it felt like to me-putzing around-where am I going with this?  In a really fun way.  I tried some crackling paint and a few different kinds of pens.  My rotring bled a bit on top of all of the layers of paint, even with waterproof ink-so problem solving that was a little frustrating. I ended up using a Staedtler that was a bit cleaner than I was really going for, but I do think I'll keep using it. 

So in the end, it didn't matter where I was going-just that I was enjoying the crooked path, full of mistakes, dead ends and U-turns.

We had friends come in from northern CA yesterday afternoon, to squeeze in one last visit before baby comes. We so enjoyed their company and felt so FULL when they left that I'm still feeling really rich from it.  We love this little family so much-a family who has had some rough bumps-and still are experiencing some.  But the capacity for merriment and closeness was....delicious.

After they cleared out today, I had a living room full of women for monthly medicine circle.  We've been working with excavating the unhealed parts of the mind, transcending self-imposed limitations of the rational mind, and unravelling years of allegiance to thoughts that certain things simply cannot be healed.  We explored the question: What do I believe cannot be healed? I found that there is still a great deal of putzing around to be done in this neighborhood.  At the end of the day, I want to create space within myself to clear those obstacles and remember the mysterious potential of the heart to rise above the mind.

It was a very full day!

 

Miles and Mari, bedhead buddies.

 

It rained all day today, but not so yesterday. It was so sunny and warm! I was glad to take the outing to the local "zoo park" with Miles.  We didn't walk the entire park, but sat down on our bums and had an ice cream sandwich after we'd seen the couple of familiar faces we came to visit.  We buy an annual membership so we can wander in and enjoy the scenery whenever we please without having to make a big committment out of it. 

 

I'm not sure why this bear is playing with an egg box, but she had her head in it most of the time we were observing her! 

     

It's nice to see things blooming again! I know I can't complain-there were leaves on the trees here at Christmas.  I can hear my northern friends moaning and rolling their eyes.  I do take much for granted here, mostly because I haven't ever lived anywhere else and I suffer major wanderlust.

The rain kept us in today and when the UPS truck came, I ran out without much raingear thinking he was delivering my new printer and some Blick supplies.  Alas, it was just a wool puddle pad for the babe. *snooze!* I'm so anxious to keep working, my momentum is insane with the knowledge that I will be taking a baby break very soon!  Of course now is when I'm all fired up to paint!

I'm loving this print called "Ebb" by Melissa Moss and this little cutie bird by Ashley Anna Brown.  If either B or I were willing to give up one of our creative studios, there would be a perfectly good nursery to put these items in!  ...She's going to have to bunk with us for a while. :)

Levitate

 

Garbage can, Rincon Point, CA.

Being on any sort of path where we are trying to self-improve sometimes feels like an opportunity to show off what we know when things are going well.  I've learned too many times that it is rather during moments of chaos and conflict that what I've really learned [or haven't!] comes forward.  I feel like I've failed that test so many times. 

When I feel "triggered" by something someone else says or does, it isn't my first instinct to give them empathy and wonder what it must feel like on their end.  I go into protection mode and all of the feelings that had been quietly hanging out behind the scenes come bubbling up and I don't stand a chance of just talking about the issue at hand. 

When trying create a life that generally feels peaceful, this is really frustrating.  A little tool I picked up from one of my teachers is to have a conversation during a meditation with the person I'm in conflict with on a soul-to-soul level and ask them what is really going on.  I can tell them what it felt like for me.  If I can try to cultivate some empathy for them, I find that part of the chaos gets released.  If I can journey down into the dungeon portion of my heart where I put people who hurt me, I can let them out into a garden of sorts and relinquish my attachment to the painful bit.  This makes it easier to communicate in person when that finally becomes possible and I tend not to feel hurt or overreactionary anymore.  It's also an opportunity for me to look at why what they did was so hurtful-was it tapping on an old wound?

I have this issue with my brother where I wish he were more "available" to my son, who adores him.  But my brother, besides being sickly and tired most of the times we see him, doesn't really have the personality or energy to give to Miles.  It's so painful to listen to M try to have a conversation with him and hear my brother blowing him off or sounding disinterested and cold.  The way I've been handling it is to talk with M about it and make sure he feels seen and heard, and then try to resolve my feelings about it with my brother on more of a soul level.  It's one way I can release my expectations of him to be the uncle I wish he was and accept that he doesn't have it to give right now[whatever it is I'm desiring of him]. 

Sometimes I even find that I am the one locked up down there in the dungeon-that's always a little unsettling, but it happens.  Throwing open the windows and acknowledging what happens when I'm not being conscious feels like a relief.  Accepting my own and other's limitations is part of eliminating chaos and moving towards an inner sanctuary that feels safe.  Though I've been working with this for years, its a theme that is always with me and I regularly find it useful.

When I talked with M days ago about his uncle, he said, "Maybe Unc Doo has a broken heart and he needs someone to fill it up with love." 

How do you eliminate the chaos of conflict and expectations within you? 

Day at the Beach

     

     

He who bends to himself a joy

Doth the winged life destroy;

But he who kisses the joy as it flies

Lives in Eternity's sunrise.

                            --William Blake

Life is moment to moment more than ever for the Campbells these days.

What juicy joy did you kiss this weekend?

Just For Fun

 

We've been having lots of fun this week playing with a new toy, the classic favorite of Louis XV: the Ball n' Cup. Truth be told, we're having a little too much fun.  I thought it would be a great toy for Miles: made of wood, good for hand-eye coordination, hip multicultural origin, requires some dexterity, favored by kings, you know, proper Renaissance-style amusement.  We've all taken a few whacks, but no one has ended up in tears and we are each becoming edgily competitive about mastering our techniques.  Miles is mostly just swinging it around, then picking up the ball and plopping it in the cup-(makes a most pleasing sound!).  I'd say that 3 is not the age a child will enjoy this toy the most-though it's rated for 3+. I'd wager a guess that he'll love it when he's about 5. 

I love sharing resources for natural toy companies that offer interesting alternatives to all of the plastic, lead coated, noisy, no-brainer toys that are available at toy stores and megastores-most of which end up broken and in a landfill before the year is up.  Down To Earth's selection of Natural Toys offers tons of affordable, well-made options that pose no chemical harm to our babes and they're the kind of toys you'll want to pass along to other kids later on. 

The other thing is that playing with this toy makes you look dangerously cool.

  

 

Miles loves sporting his Mati Rose Original tee shirt.  She has a cute entry up featuring a montage of babes wearing this shirt which we bought for M at the art sale that followed Squam Art Workshop in New Hampshire last Fall.  If you haven't heard of this magical, creative gathering, check it out!  Sessions are in June and September this year-treat yourself to some creative resources and downtime in the gorgeous NH forest on infamous Golden Pond.

My psc has been acting out lately, preventing me from making color copies and enlargements to create with-so after a bit of research, I chose a cheap HP all-in-one rather than the Canon that I think will do a better job of making prints of my work.  The HP will aid more in the process of creating, which is more of my focus at the moment.  It does use archival quality ink, so I may be surprised at the quality-I know so little about this sort of thing. If you are a printer expert, feel free to throw your $.02 my way!  Be sure to tell me if you use a model like this for printing your own artwork.

I may treat myself to the Canon later on down the line when it makes more sense-it accepts those lovely, thick, fine art papers that look so juicy when printed upon.  In the meantime, I need my copying and scanning capabilities!  I'm running out of time, here! 

I hit the jackpot at one of my favorite antique store haunts-a collection of 1950's cityscape postcards that I'm excited about collaging with under the paint.  The bright pastels are inspiring me as Spring draws near and they grey of winter is being chased away.  I am digging the way the yellow sun spills across our floor and warms the house.  Everything seems bathed in amber light.

It's been a rather lazy day-I haven't given one thought to alkalizing food (my new obsession), instead I've been eating comfort food (avocado and cheese sandwiches, bbq chips, buckwheat pancakes...)and lying around on my duff watching Sesame Street with Miles.  I did scrub the kitchen up and down this morning, which could be part of that frenzied nesting one does when babe is really wanting out.  It's a game of anybody's guess as to when this little elf is going to arrive!  Shall I start taking bets??

Ceremony

I'd been wondering lately if it might be interesting to Miles to learn a bit about what it is I do when I'm off sitting in the "circles" he has become so familiar with me leaving for.  He seems curious when I return, full of questions and sniffing me, etc. I imagined taking a few short, private moments of us connecting to the elements as a family and honoring him with medicine that will help him on his journey into becoming a brother, and introducing him to a few of his helpers.

When I walked around the property looking for a good place to set up the rocking chair Brandon found for him, I spotted a hawk feather on the ground-pretty rare find, though we do have a mating pair that nest very near here, so I took it as an auspicious sign and added it to the bundle I'd made for him. Then I adorned the chair and assembled a few sacred items and fetched the boys to meet me outside.  I placed the chair facing the East, symbolizing a new journey, a beginning.

 

 

He wanted to open the package immediately, and in it was a medicine bag (and he exclaimed, "It's a medicine bag! It's what I've always wanted!") containing objects representing each of us in our family, including the new little one on her way.  He put it on right away. I made a cornmeal circle around him and we asked the directions for their blessings with sage and herbs and then we gave him a jar of birdseed to scatter as an offering to the winged helpers that assist with medicine of the East.

 

It was short and sweet and we felt it would be meaningful to him later in life to know that not only are we here to help him along with any struggles he might have, but that he has wisdom within and around him that he can access at any time to guide him when he needs to call upon it.  I want him to feel the support of his relations as he travels his path.  It was very special to have that time with him, and it's made me look forward to incorporating more ritual into our lives to mark special transitions-I have always included it for myself, but now it is time to involve my family a bit more.

 

Tonite we head out to feast with friends in honor of our baby boy growing up-and you should know his prerequisite for choosing a restaurant was that they offer "a lot of chocolatey desserts." 

We love you, Miles Lighthorse.  May your path always be illuminated, son.

Neptune's Daughter

     

Months ago, when we found out that our little bean was going to be a girl, Miles glommed with all of his heart onto the name "Triton" for her, because he loves the solar system and Triton is one of Neptune's moons.  We tried to entertain it, even for a middle name, and to his deep dismay, we shan't be using it for our daughter.  We have a little party planned at a local eaterie this Sunday in honor of his rite of passage into big brotherhood and one of the gifts we gave him this week was a little Waldorfy Cuddle Doll, which he quickly named... you guessed it: Triton.

Today he wanted to take her out into the world and share her in his silky sling (hand-dyed by the amazing Wendy Cook).  He has been nurturing her and practicing all of his big brother skills since we presented her to him.  (She is a fair-trade cotton and wool Peppa Cuddle Doll and we got her on ebay, but they sell them at Down to Earth).  He got a lot of positive little coos from the grandmotherly types, but can I tell you, in that hat, everyone thought he was a girl.  Are boys who nurture that unexpected??  I have to ask.  Maybe it's his eyelashes...

It has been really fun preparing him for this change because he is so nurturing and STINKIN' SWEET. He tells us how much he can't wait to help with the diapering, holding and nursing (!) and it just makes it even more exciting that he's so into it.  There have been times where it's felt like this baby is more for him than for us.  I know I have a few who will fight for the right to this title, but I'm pretty sure I'm the Luckiest Person Alive.

  

I want to attack this child with kisses every moment of the day.

The ultrasound went very well yesterday, and I do not have the rare and dangerous vascular disorder my doctor was afraid of on my placenta.  Thank goodness! There are two strange looking "lakes of blood", which are funky sacs filled with fluid on the underside of the placenta that faces her head and chest, which the perinatologist felt were completely non-threatening.  My placenta is marginally low-lying, just like last time, but is about 2mm from the birth opening, and is much more likely to move away from it as pregnancy progresses, than toward. Whew!  At this point it's unlikely that I should face a placenta previa, a condition I slightly brushed up against when I was pregnant with Miles.

Yes, it is a GIRL!  He was able to confirm that indeed she is a she and that presents me with joy and anxiety galore. I had this mostly unconscious fantasy that having another boy would mean a pretty easy and similar experience to what I've already had.  I'm sure I was just bullshitting myself, because no two babes are the same! But it was the story my mind had spun for me. Now here I am looking at 6 giant sacks of wonderful boy things that are tagged to be shipped to our favorite boys (and I indulged in some really nice stuff back then) round the country and it seems a bit metaphorical that this new experience is going to be totally unique.

Having a daughter brings up all sorts of things for me.  Many of which I've sifted through before and some of which are brand new thoughts and fears. I want my little mermaid to have so much more confidence, guidance and security than I had.  I want her to be the tallest tree in the forest, or at least much taller than we are.

I'm creating a little altar for her to begin naming my hopes and anything else that comes up between now and forever as her mother.  So far I've placed her ultrasound photos on it, a teeny little crocheted hat made by the amazing Gina Garoogian, and a beautiful Indian jasper heart I picked up from a gemologist this weekend- which I clutched all the way to my appointment yesterday.  I'm pining for this piece, which is one of the loveliest mama jewels I've ever seen.

It finally feels like I can take a deep breath and embrace this new little being wholeheartedly.  Ahhh...

Honoring the insect community, Miles and I decided to dress as Mama Butterfly and Spider Boy for Halloween.  Sooner than later, I'll have to quit matching us up (a boy's best friend is his mother...), which was done slightly unconsciously! Try to ignore the scary mom factor.

 

Much yarning going on here today, but too busy to stop and take a snap.  Lots to share very soon!  I got a box full of Ozark Handspun yarn and the table has exploded in color and texture-I can't wait to put photos up. 

The Master likes to break his fast at the counter these days, preferring to move right from stirring his oatmeal to eating it seamlessly.

   

In other news, I taught myself to knit in the round this weekend, and not on those cheating circular needles, either.  I'm rather proud of my wristwarmers in the making.  And, of course round is the predominant theme here in babyland.

   

It all happens on four needles at a time, which just about put me off of knitting forever with much cursing and finger cramping at first.  But once I got past the first few rows it is really easy and I definitely recommend it over circular needles. What a headache those tangled things can be!  I bought three pairs thinking they would make it so easy.  Perhaps for hats later.

I'm really happy with how the legwarmers turned out last week, but I got bored about half way through, knowing I needed to increase the width a bit (because who needs patterns, right?) so I stopped short and made boot toppers out of them.  I see cute youngsters wearing ballerina flats with legwarmers over skinny jeans, but I'm more of a boot girl, weather permitting.  I may make some more and see what you think.  These were stitched up the back because I hadn't yet learned to knit the fancy above pictured tubes.

 

Whoops, I suppose I could have dusted off those boots...

We had our "anatomical survey" on Friday and the results regarding gender were somewhat inconclusive.  I'll keep you in suspense until I know for certain.

Party in Pictures

Miles third birthday party was almost rained out, thankfully not- though we were standing by with plans to move everyone inside of the bouncy house, cupcakes and all.

Here are some of my favorite moments:

   

Stoic Knight with PawPaw

 

Dig the crouch, man.

 

Still life skillfully designed by Tim

 

Doo being a dirtybird for the camera in my snowboarding hat-loving the basketball court lights antennae, a black sheepskin could not have been more fitting.  Do not invite him to your child's birthday party.

Loving you out there.  Hope your weekend was as thrilling!

Beautiful Boy

   

Dearest Readers,

My sweet thing turned three today and we hearted many birthday moments starting early yesterday.  We even went to dollar scoop last night at Baskin Robbins and ate chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream, the very kind I devoured too much of the night before M came knocking on my cellar door at four a.m.

We looked at pictures of his birth, in which he pointed to his head poking out of aforementioned cellar door and said, "What's that thing?!"  He knows what "that thing" is, it was his moppish conehead he was curious about.  I'm kind of dumbfounded when I speak about motherhood.  I don't want to say it's the best, most important thing in the world-but it is to me.  Read this post because she says it so, so much better than I do.

B and I have been up late recent nights creating a banging wall as our gift to Miles and we finished it up tonite, just in time to let him have some whacks before the sun went down.  Whether the idea was the pure genius of Amanda Soule or not, I credit her for the inspiration-page 197 of The Creative Family.  What magic comes from clanging away uncontrollably on 8 feet of pots, pans, and a copper fish mold!  (I'll snap some better photos when there is light and share some of the kitschy items, such as the brass cat that I'm betting was at the Salvation Army for years).  I'd been longing to try out one of Amanda's more complex projects and M's bday was the perfect opportunity with a deadline.

 

After we snugged him into bed, far past his bedtime and hopped up on peanut butter cake (as pictured above and compliments of M and Nana), I sat down to assemble a mixed cd party favor for his friends.  I stumbled onto Ben Harper's version of Beautiful Boy and even though I nearly go through a whole $1.79 box of kleenex, I had to listen to it a few times.  Stinkin' John Lennon keeping us in tears long after his departure...

I have tucked a letter to M, about all that he's doing now and how he amazes us with his curiosity, kindness and gentle ways, into the metal box I keep such things in.  The container spills over with sweetness from friends and family and it fills my heart to know that there is so much love in this life to share with all those who really need it, if we can take the time.  A kind gesture goes a long, long way deep into one's heart and stays there like a talisman for when a time comes that we need to remember we are worthwhile and sacred.  I, and my family, are so blessed to be so full-and to have extra to share with others.

Hugs into cyberspace,

pix