Garbage can, Rincon Point, CA.
Being on any sort of path where we are trying to self-improve sometimes feels like an opportunity to show off what we know when things are going well. I've learned too many times that it is rather during moments of chaos and conflict that what I've really learned [or haven't!] comes forward. I feel like I've failed that test so many times.
When I feel "triggered" by something someone else says or does, it isn't my first instinct to give them empathy and wonder what it must feel like on their end. I go into protection mode and all of the feelings that had been quietly hanging out behind the scenes come bubbling up and I don't stand a chance of just talking about the issue at hand.
When trying create a life that generally feels peaceful, this is really frustrating. A little tool I picked up from one of my teachers is to have a conversation during a meditation with the person I'm in conflict with on a soul-to-soul level and ask them what is really going on. I can tell them what it felt like for me. If I can try to cultivate some empathy for them, I find that part of the chaos gets released. If I can journey down into the dungeon portion of my heart where I put people who hurt me, I can let them out into a garden of sorts and relinquish my attachment to the painful bit. This makes it easier to communicate in person when that finally becomes possible and I tend not to feel hurt or overreactionary anymore. It's also an opportunity for me to look at why what they did was so hurtful-was it tapping on an old wound?
I have this issue with my brother where I wish he were more "available" to my son, who adores him. But my brother, besides being sickly and tired most of the times we see him, doesn't really have the personality or energy to give to Miles. It's so painful to listen to M try to have a conversation with him and hear my brother blowing him off or sounding disinterested and cold. The way I've been handling it is to talk with M about it and make sure he feels seen and heard, and then try to resolve my feelings about it with my brother on more of a soul level. It's one way I can release my expectations of him to be the uncle I wish he was and accept that he doesn't have it to give right now[whatever it is I'm desiring of him].
Sometimes I even find that I am the one locked up down there in the dungeon-that's always a little unsettling, but it happens. Throwing open the windows and acknowledging what happens when I'm not being conscious feels like a relief. Accepting my own and other's limitations is part of eliminating chaos and moving towards an inner sanctuary that feels safe. Though I've been working with this for years, its a theme that is always with me and I regularly find it useful.
When I talked with M days ago about his uncle, he said, "Maybe Unc Doo has a broken heart and he needs someone to fill it up with love."
How do you eliminate the chaos of conflict and expectations within you?
