working with my own shadow has been something i've been doing since i attended a retreat about seven years ago and became really familiar with what a shadow was. for me, being in a shadow meant that i was believing something about myself or my life that was essentially a lie, based on repressed bits from childhood, or fear of repeating mistakes i'd made in adulthood. if there is a part of me that i just really don't like, then it would likely show up, leaking-out-like in a shadow behavior or state. this is totally my rendition of what being in a shadow means to me, and of course master jung can fill you in properly textbook if you care to read any of his brilliance. (man and his symbols is still my fave).
my recent funkification has brought up a lot of things to look over. i'm weaning ivy, and that means that (any chance of oopsy not being considered here) when she comes off the boob for good, it will be my final goodbye to that particular stage of life where i am nurturing anyone with my body's precious natural resources. i fear feeling cut off from the archetype of the milky mother i have so come to identify with. for a cumulative time of nearly three years over the course of four and a half years, i have been nourishing and comforting a babe this way. and this is hard for me to let go of.
i find myself drawing inward to search out what is next for me beyond this stage. it's a little death, which i seem to experience so often. i'm at peace with the frequent turning over of cells here, but it wears me out, this path. though i have not been experiencing much typical shadow talk (from the "gremlins" so often referred to in bloggieville), i have been feeling very alone at the end of each day. not LONELY in the sense that i believe someone can fill this place, but on a solitary mission which can only be designed with my soul in mind, and surrendered to by me.
there is so much that's changing, as if with ivy's wean and summer solstice, the sky is opening up with possibility and transformation.
the photo makes me think of clint eastwood in the "man with no name" trilogy, and sort of captures what this past week has been like. the good, the bad and the ugly! well, just a little bit of ugly, retrieving messages from the oozing swamp hag :)
thank you all so very much for your love and comments as i fell down the hole again. though not frightening or dark feeling, it did cause me to leave my ordinary writings in the dust in favor of private time in my journal. it's been good to take in the air and re-ground. i think i'm ready to come back to the land of the living...
bless and so much gratitude...
