(Taken with my Palm Pixi)
Lately I've been giving away far too much of my emotional energy, to causes that are not nourishing me enough to continue on with. I'm always surprised at how willing I am to give myself away in tiny bits until there is nothing left for me. It's like carving off little hunks of flesh and handing them out to every hungry stranger on the streetcorner.
When it became painfully apparent that I was doing this, I decided something drastic needed to be done. It's been six official days since Ivy hasn't nursed. My hormones are wandering aimlessly and my mind is unconsciously seeking out ways to fill that space...the space of my baby not needing me in that way anymore. It's created a host of triggers, all terribly unexpected.
A voice inside has been urging me to "RUN"...and after a bit of thought, I decided to take it literally. I bought a new pair of running shoes and hit the trail at sunrise twice this weekend. It seems the negative energy was piling up on me, and it almost feels like it's chasing me at times (along with a mad case of PMS).
I can't explain how lovely it was to be up that early, all on my own, to hit the ground running and meet a physical goal. Other than giving birth, I have had no real fitness aspirations in over five years! I can't do gyms because I feel like a hamster. And there is not abundant nature here. But there is a bike path that runs through town, past a lake and through some trees and a park, where bootcampers run obstacle courses at 5 am and cyclists buzz past on my left.
I was pleasantly surprised to see a Great Blue Heron, a Red-Tailed Hawk, a lizard, a jackrabbit, a family of ducks and ducklings and a whole barrage of ground squirrels chilling on the quarry-like busted up cement rocks that lie on the side of the trail. At that hour, birds were everywhere and it was not unlike a Zen meditation to walk and run along at the pace I felt comfortable at with nothing to very little circling around in my bean.
Rather than run away from the feelings that were surfacing, I felt like I was running straight into them, sweating them out of my skin and transmuting them into positive energy. When I left the path today, I began to evaluate how I deal with my reserves. It seemed clear that there are a few areas which need major improvement.
I give a lot of energy to the children, as all moms and women seem to give to their homes, families, and pets. This is the kind of giving that gives back, but not necessarily in energy. I also give a lot of emotional energy to friendship; and in most cases, this feeds me, too. And then there are some things that take without giving back. And after a while, the drain becomes more than I have noticed. It slips through the cracks of my awareness and I am realizing, with some urgency, that I have to bring that into balance. It is simply too easy to give myself away without replenishing the well.
This little lesson comes up again and again for me, surprising me with its varied masks and causes. When I do as I was taught, when stress is starting to siphon my tank, I come back to tending my own garden by giving my attention to what is in front of me, and to...my breath.
It is my simple confirmation of existence that needs no prompting, and it came to me that it is the only thing I truly have that belongs to me.