The Fine Art of Mending, Christine Mason Miller.
My January new moon card is the Six of Pentacles. It's lesson is knowing precisely how much to give without tipping the scales and balancing the inner scales when it is easier to give out than to give to the Self. Near the end of the year, I began feeling like I wasn't giving enough back or out. So I decided that in some way, I would like to be more altruistic than I have been. Or maybe I just needed to make it more official so that I would have a measured result of how much I gave. Sounded so healthy at the time.
Parenting is an investment that pays off in tiny moments of outrageous joy, just before it becomes a chase to keep up, or drudgery of managing a million emotions exploding at once. I can see where being so close to the children these early years has made a difference for all of us. But still, I sought to look beyond that little investment of my energies, because I suppose I have a tendency to think that what I'm already doing isn't enough.
I'm wondering if I'm wanting to be seen or recognized for my good intentions and positive energies. Could it be that's what was driving my willingness to make giving more a priority?
Currently, I'm invested in something that is mostly depleting to me. I rebel against the -holism by investing more deeply, because surely, it isn't feeding me because I'm not doing something right. Right? I see where I am struggling to control the outcome. I see where I crave a reward for my hard work. And I see that by doing this, I am failing to nurture myself.
Being overly generous isn't serving me in this moment. I want to keep my reserves close to my own hearth. I imagine my pantry being full of all of the jars of soul food I put up last summer. Should I give away my store so that I can try to fulfill this shadow need?
I think we both know the answer to that.
