Pink Coyote

Blood Moon::Cleansing and Breaking Through

Photo gifted by Amy, Medicine Keeper

On Saturday, I had the high privilege of circing in council and in a sweat ceremony with a group of SouLodge sisters at the Ojai Foundation. I decided to sweat this Fall to embrace the energies of the West and cleanse, which for me means to feel my feelings. I don't know if it's because as a mother, I hold the container for so many feelings at home, and also in Lodge, but I have a difficult time accessing the recess of emotions. My clue that the time has come to do such ceremony is when the feelings are leaking out this way and that and landing on my unsuspecting loved ones: pile up.

I love the lodge that Elissa holds so much because she is a woman who shows up out of ego, in all of her glorious human power and spirited connection, fully connected and committed to the women she's pouring water for. The integrity of the lodge is so high and the quality so impeccable, it's what has made me feel safe to go as deep as I require to access and connect.

I got what I went for, hearing messages of opening wider, expanding more vastly, breaking down resistance, and revealing the bare core of me, as the Earth swallowed me whole in heat and moisture- and in her love, because a lodge is a womb. When inside, it is as if being inside the Mother. I can't even describe how it feels except to say that it is a profound holding and healing.

Crawling out of the lodge onto the Earth after round four, the sensation of being born was overwhelming, as always. With sand caked to my legs, the night air cold on my soaking-wet dress, the scent of copal heavy in my hair, in the darkness in front of the altar and the fire, it is impossible not to feel unbelievably light and brand new. The offerings, songs and journeys given and taken are a blessing to the Earth, to humankind, to the magnificent All That Is.

Thank you to all of you who offered prayers and held space for those of us journeying inward. Thank you to Elissa and Paul, and the firetender, Adam, who serve generously and nurturingly. Thank you to the spirits who joined us and for all that was given back to the Mama so that we could emerge fresh and clean for the season. Thank you to the four women who joined me from SouLodge, all brave newcomers to the ceremony, all who hung in there and pressed up against their own resistance in order to break through.

The veil thins to paper this week with Samhain, and the energies of the ancestors come forward; I'll be setting intentions in front of this evening's Full Moon for all that's in my heart. Blessings to all of you walking the medicine road, and to all who are carving out their own meaningful path. I hope to see you in the Lodge someday or meet up at a crossroads when the time is just right.

Know That You Are Sacred

Getty images

As I sat in the marriage counselor's office months ago (feels like a lifetime) she asked me what I wanted.

"I want relationship to feel sacred. I want to feel held as sacred."

She turned to my husband and said, "She wants you to pay attention to her. Notice her."

No...that's not what I said. SACRED. One definition of which is "regarded as too valuable to be interfered with."

Every day in my line of work, I interface with women who are coming to a realization that they are sacred. I often say to them, "Know that you are sacred." What does that mean? To me it means that there is a holiness about every woman that has everything to do with her mystery, her magic, her receptiveness, her likeness to a vessel, her creativity, her fertility, her nurturing ways that come from invisible sources of Love. A sacred relationship might look like one in which a real or imaginary altar containing precious symbols of love and friendship rests upon it.

Sacredness within is a birthright. It is not to be questioned or judged. Check in with your body right now: Do you feel it in your bones? Do you trust it?

White Buffalo Calf Woman, Cher Lyn.

I struggle with the patriarchy. It's not a secret I keep. When ancient goddess culture faded, so did the sacredness of Woman. The balance has not been restored, and I am energized with the work of women who are working to restore it. Having a daughter, I realize that I want her to know what it feels like to be sacred in body, mind and spirit. She will live in her humanness, just as we all do, and I don't resent that for a moment. But deep knowing goes a long way. And a long way we have come away from it.

Rhiannon, Susan Seddon Boulet.

What does holding Woman sacred look like?

How can we come to honor ourselves without society's or anyone's influence, but in a way that will ripple out, as all soulwork which we commit to does?

Journeywork has been my most effective tool for receiving medicine about myself, mankind, the Earth, and my place here. When I am unkind to myself, or forget, I turn on a form of remembering, by going down into my own depths to retrieve the ancient memories. I love to drum for women who wish to do the same for themselves. 

This past week at Squam by the Sea, fifteen women were circled and drummed into a remembering state. I do believe that what it takes for any of us to feel sacred is simply the desire to remember. That we can give to ourselves with no outside help at all.

 

Back in the Saddle: Shadow and All

Photo by Kate Inglis.

Holy mackerel, it's been a long time since I've written anything here. The Squam season kicks my ass and this year has been no exception by a long shot. I'm not leaving home for a while, and that will settle things tremendously.

Oh, sisters. There's so much to say, and yet I feel so quiet and withdrawn. Autumn SouLodge is rocking my socks off and also pulling me in (and down) to look at my shadows and what's lurking around down there in the swamp. 

#1 I keep going to a dry well to quench my thirst. It's so far down there I hardly recognize it. And I resent it. The thirst.

#2 Overfilling my plate with commitments is not the same as overfilling it with Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. There is no end to it. More like Halloween candy.

#3 Vices vices vices. I am not immune. I just bought a case of chewing gum at Costco to feed my restless jaw. I don't really like chewing gum. It has strange chemicals in it.

#4 Old issues of how to do relationship bit me in the rump last week and that one really stings. My days of throwing babies out with bathwater are over (I think) but the need to run comes up from time to time. I put on my running shoes for the first time in two years and literally ran, instead.

My inner voice is very coachy and sometimes borders on shame-y. In a Come On Now, Aren't You Over That Yet? sort of way. I sometimes feel like I'm having a round robin in my head-one is cracking the whip and one is coming in to dose me with compassion and nurturing.

One says "The medicine is on the road, go walk it."

The other one says, "There is no Eagle outside of you who can save you."

And such is the clusterfuck of the shadow season: one part all alone in a frightful aloneness and one part supported by every living thing on this planet. 

I have risks to take all by myself and I'm not wanting to look at them in the face. 

Black Panther is by my side in Lodge to walk and stalk the shadows with me. To meet my own anxiety head on and break it's tyranny. I am looking for what truly is, and the rest can burn away. I have my circles, those gracious formations of women, spirits, mystery and magic. And I have my Self. My sacred self.

What would it be like to know that you are sacred, even when the shadows cover you over?

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I've updated my Resources page, have you checked it out lately? James Hollis is my Shadowlands companion when the ride gets bumpy.