Pink Coyote

Coyote Parenting: Herban Sister

This girl. This persistent little outside-loving force bugged me for a week to take her to the local chicken house after we discovered it, so she could hold some chicks. She wants five chickens, as well as "lawts and lawts of rabbits". She yearns to garden and farm, and it's all been there since she was tiny- except then, they were "wabbits" and "hickens". Is there a gene for this desire?

I can see that a second-story flat isn't going to be enough room at this rate. In a thriving backyard-chicken and bee town, nearly anything fowl or buzzing is possible. Plants, and making medicine, are her other two favorite pastimes. She collects herbs and leaves on her walks and grinds them up, leaving them on the deck to dry. It's a game to walk the neighborhood and spot yarrow growing in the unmown yards and rosehips in parking lots. She said yesterday in an exasperated tone, "Mama. I will ALWAYS BE ON FIRE." I have no doubt at all about that.

She scored a wooden mortar and pestle at a local thrift shop, we're currently reading I'm a Medicine Woman, Too! by Jesse Wolf Hardin and popping into this local joint regularly...

Urban Farm Store on Belmont Ave., Portland where the baby chicks, lay mash, and friendly servicefolk are plentiful.

I can predict that A Chicken in Every Yard, will make the bedside table soon enough. Passionate little bedtime readers will be thrilled.

Sacred Space. Whenever Possible. Repeat.

Gifts from Wendy & Satch

I've been taking some time to read again, which is something I can do between Lodges, and in Winter, where the season lends itself to snuggling down and reconnecting with the writings I love. The four of us were driving in the car on New Year's Day, a day on which I made choices to do little bits of all of the things I wanted to have more of throughout the year. Such as:

• Sleep nine hours
• Make amazing coffee
• Huge breakfast
• Green smoothie
• Read with kids
• Take a nap
• Connect with close friends
• Hike in the trees with family, explore and play
• Pulled cards
• Wrote a bit
• Took a bath
• Didn't freak out about anything

The idea was to create the blueprint for what every day life can sometimes look like by inviting all of those elements in to play on New Year's Day. Kind of a new ritual for me, but it was lovely, and I've found myself wanting to take the whole of January to set the tone for the year-which has got to be about filling up as much as I give out. Because it's not so much what we do, it's about how we feel- how we remember our days, right? If I was conscious of my choices, I usually have a more satisfied feeling at the end of the day. It was really about choosing energy.

Tonight, I lazily flipped open my copy of Medicine for the Earth, my favorite of all of Sandra Ingerman's books, and read this passage:

One of the missing pieces to all healing today is understanding the power of creating sacred space. Creating sacred space, as I refer to it here, means the vast energy created by people's individual energies joining together in a room. Today many people create sacred space by actually designing a room, an office, or a house in such a way that allows more energy, vitality, and soul to inhabit that space, but this is not what I am speaking of here.

Over my years of teaching I have noticed what happens when I create a strong container for thie group. Miracles! Why? Because everyone in the group can feel safe in opening up to the power of love. Here is a definition of power that I like to use in my work: Power is the ability to use energy.

When everyone in a room is focused on using their energy to support, love and heal others, that is exactly what occurs, and this is the energy that supports miracles.

In the practice of cross-cultural shamanic healing it is well known that the power of healing for an individual or for a piece of land is multiplied exponentially by the number of compassionate family, friends, and community members present at the healing. This occurs because the community present agrees to put their personality and egos aside, allowing for a greater spiritual energy to be called forth and gather the healing work.

Her work has had a tremendous effect on me since I was handed a copy of Soul Retrieval in 2000, but this book is the one I come back to again and again. It's messages are seared into me. It's affirmed all that I have learned to do instinctively, all that I have learned to do from others far wiser than myself, and helped me believe in the power of energy-negative and positive, and how we can raise it, quiet it, transform it, and make something beneficial and useful of it. I'm a Virgo, so I'm big on *usefulness*, as in "Thomas is a VERY useful engine!"

What I think we sometimes don't realize in our virtual society, is that energy is created behind the scenes, in everything we do. An online living room, such as this one, shows you what I think is worthy to share, but I also come here to flesh out my mistakes and show a bit of underbelly from time to time. What I have learned within six months of Lodge and hundreds of amazing women doing the soulwork with me, is that we all have the power to raise energy, to transmute the negative, to inch ever more slowly towards love, beginning with ourselves. We must begin to trust that if we can transmute what works against us inside of us, then it will show up that way outside of us.

I'm not talking about perfect behavior or not having human flaws, clearly that's not what this is all about-but, how to love ourselves through our humanness by allowing the Divine in to shine down a bit of wisdom now and again.

I took a journey to the Upper World last night to see what my protective energy field looked like-I'm always afraid that I will create a brick wall when I need protection- and that has not served me well at all. I will keep the medicine close to my heart, but I will say that it was a magnificent show of clarity and imperviousness, while allowing for a vast flow of love around, in, and out of me. I felt held by the Universe, in a safe and beautiful container which allows me to do all that I want to, with the boundaries in place, and what I have to give moving freely. It was a gift from Source that made me feel, for a snapshot, able to deal with the human foibles that I create by being me every day. Like spinning in circles at an onslaught of breakfast commands with no coffee, and yelling to regain control in the kitchen (I dislike that I yell at or near my children more than anything else). The vision held me throughout the day as the eruptions that take place around here bubbled and spat. I didn't cease to raise my voice, but I also didn't flog myself for it.

And this is why I thought it was interesting that I opened the book to page 99 tonight and read the above passage. Community energy + heart intention x balanced boundaries = Sacred space. Integrity. Hope. Healing. Vitality. Inside and out. Whenever possible. Repeat.

 

OMG She Stole My Life!

Something I give a lot of thought to, consciously and abstractly, is the phenomenon of women comparing themselves to others. Do men do this? Honestly? It seems like nothing blows a hole in a nicely rolling tire more than the feeling that someone else is doing it better than us. Or, ever get that false sense of confidence from thinking you're doing it a bit better than at least one other person, so that carries you a mile or two, until they ride up on your ass and pop a hole in that flimsy theory, too?

There are so many things to stop a woman. Too many.

I remember picking up Spilling Open by Sabrina Ward Harrison when I was in my late twenties, (headed back to art school) and upon devouring it, thinking, "This young and beautiful artist stole my life! Tart!"

I don't know that I really believed it, because though I have stumbled over my perceived inadequacy many times, seldom have I been stuck in a creative quagmire for long. In the end- not long after reading Sabrina's works, whom I'd erstwhile fashioned a graven image of- I discovered that, indeed, she did not steal my life, and that my very own life and expression of it was waiting for me just up around the bend- and that I could feel free to meet it whenever I was ready to face that my expressive arts weren't really going to look like the work of those I admired. The whole process was going to be a bit rougher, more informal, messier, tattered around the edges, fumbling, frustrating, sometimes even foolish.

I am blessed to create what I create, to birth what I birth, to hold a safe container for others' messy processes to wriggle out into the world. My extremely original writerly comadre Marybeth told me that it's the midwife's job to sit on her hands and sing songs in the other room, while all-the-while trusting that mama can do it, that baby can do it, and that all will come into being just as it is meant to. I'm so grateful to her for this metaphor.

Sometimes we have to do this for ourselves. Ego and Personality can sit, godparentlike, in the other room, singing sacred and holy favorite hymns, while true path is born from the unconscious into the conscious realm. Shamans laugh at this reality we live in, calling it the illusion, while the inner realms- journey and transparent contact with higher dimensions-THAT is reality. It is that very transcendent place which birth occurs from.

No one can touch what happens in our dreams, in our journeys, our active imaginations, and meditations. The sacred realm is ours alone. And though we are all connected beyond space and time there, unified, spirit-wise, what is very deep within us comes forth when we make the journey inward to meet it.

What I mean to say, really, is that we can strike an agreement here. We can agree that we are not afraid of each other. We can agree to trust that my baby will not look or act like your baby once born. We can agree to do the innerwork to the best of our abilities in order to honor our one precious life and the expressions that beg to be birthed. You can do this, and so can your sweet, creative lovechild.

I'll keep the fire burning and the songs singing in the other room while you labor.

 

************************

Desire to Inspire winners are Laura and Joanna. Email me with your addresses, lucky ones.

Desire-able Giveaway and Live Lodge Day

Did anyone see the Moon last night? I can't recall such a Cheshire smile in a long time, if ever. Mischievous, full of rhetorical questions, and philisophical pontifications, I felt her nudging me into the new year as I sat under her. Are you feeling the nudge to take any risks in the new year? Broadening your vision and deepening your connection?

Maybe one of them is coming to Berkeley on Saturday, January 28th for a live-Lodge journey circle with me :) Teahouse Studio has graciously offered to host us for the day: catering our lunch and providing a cozy space for us to journey and unearth the little pieces of gold that will carry us through each season of 2012. It will be a relaxing day of communing in circle in beautiful Northern California. Here is a list of local hotels and distances from the event, as well as directions, if you want to make an easy weekend of it. Email me if you have questions about anything at all.

I have two copies of Christine Mason Miller's DESIRE TO INSPIRE on my desk, just waiting to land in one of your hands. The first chapter being, A Force of Good: When We Care for Ourselves We Care for the World, and one of my very favorite chapters, number seven: Plenty of Room for Everyone: Understanding Our Unique Place and Purpose. I was very lucky when I started my very first real business in 2000, to have a mentor teach me that I need never be frightened of any person of company imprinting my ideas or creating similar vibes or products as me.

He told me (bless you Drew Bernstein, pioneer of clothing for Fashion Freaks) that all I needed to focus on was staying true to me-that if my vision was what I alreay do and who I already am, I wouldn't ever have to worry about what anyone else is doing, in fact, I could freely help them-which is what he did, and what I learned to do and still practice. For those of you who are considering taking a leap with your art, your written words, whatever it is that is pulling to you-get some fortification under you so that you can feel confident that your expression is truly yours and impervious to being duplicated. Our visions are as unique as our DNA.

Two copies are ready for sending out. Tell me what the Cheshire cat is smiling about, or that you will take a chance on yourself in this upcoming year which I'm certain will set the record for Creative Fire. As women, just about everything we do can be a creative act. Taking a chance doesn't have to be externally big, risking it might look as simple as loving the Truth more than anything else, Trusting deeper than the Ocean, Loving, no matter what scares you about Love.

I'll select winners on Monday evening here in the wild West.

I hope to sit with you in Berkeley and see what comes to you: what peace, what comfort, which allies, what beautiful surprises are within you...

A Week for the Books

This is the week of all weeks. I'm pleasantly stunned by all that is being released around here and in the ripples that surround me.

This Friday, December 16th, is the day I'll be sharing the beautiful video made by twelve women and I to share with you as an offering for the Winter Solstice. The Mother of All Releasings Ceremony feels so big. There are so many women, tribes, and families who are stepping forward, lighting a fire and tossing in the un-needed, most of which is hinged on FEAR. This week I'll be baring my soul, making my request of the Universe, asking all women to open up and LET GO. If you are hosting a Solstice party or gathering this weekend, the video will put some swirl in your skirt and bring some sacred to your space in preparation.

I will also be giving away two passes to Winter SouLodge on Friday. You heard me right. Class begins January 16th. Tee hee.

This Thursday, I'll be attending the official launch party, with an enormous collection of my friends and community, to celebrate the release of Christine Mason Miller's book Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World. THE WORLD. Putting our creativity to work and living our vision has the power to CHANGE THE WORLD. Yes, it does. I'm so proud to have shared writings and a project in this book.

 

Christine and I have been friends for eleven or more years, when she was manufacturing a greeting card line (Swirly) and I was manufacturing sleepwear (Napcake). We collaborated on pajama designs then and I knew I would want to work with her for as long as she'd have me on her team. At the time, my mission was to create a beautiful permission to rest and Christine totally got it-we were taking big leaps of creative faith at the same time. Jennifer Louden, another super-shero from back in the day, has interviewed Christine at her blog, and reading it reminded me how far it's possible to come in such a short time. From artist to visionary doesn't take long when you line your head up with your heart.

Also on Thursday, the new Squam Art Workshops website is going live. Oh, yes. That is all I can say.

I've created a foundation course for SouLodge, which will be available as a PDF e-Lodge this weekend. Wheeeee and awrooooooo! I've been feeling called to do this since the Summer session ended, and because we covered so many wondrous basics, that I thought it would be really helpful to those just coming in, and answer many questions that come up around what's helpful to know while waiting for a session to begin, or to work the lessons in solitary before coming into the community fully present and accountable. For all of you who have asked for this, thank you. You push me to keep my muzzle to the grindstone, and birth what is ready to be received.

I'm also taking a really huge leap of faith. I will tell you about it when the time is right, but please hold a light for me as I release something I didn't think I was going to, and embrace something I thought I was going to let go of. I am clearing the way for something I once thought impossible. Crazy risky. But crazy good.

I have so much passion for this community, this sacred women's circle. I have a vision in my mind each time I come to this space: I see women with babies on their backs, bread being kneaded, water being carried, the sun drawn down, poetry sang to the rising moon, the fire in the center of it all, skirts swirling, women trusting, letting fly with the spiral dance...this vision comes to me every time I come to write here, and I feel flooded with gratitude every.single.time.

photo by Christine Mason Miller

 

Bright Grey Friday

 

I love this *extra* day, sandwiched between the holiday and the weekend...and today is grey, my favorite sky for cuddling under soft blankies and watching movies and eating leftovers. My mind is quietly stirring with ideas, things I've wanted to share with you, my upcoming video for the Mother of All Releasings Ceremonies, (to be filmed by the illustrious wild woman, Anne Carmack, of Folk and Fable) and little goodies I am eager to tell you about.

I'm really excited about the upcoming release of Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World, the book by Christine Mason Miller which I collaborated on with a number of known artists. I've become obsessed with Christine's inquiry into what it means to be a force of good in the world. One of my pieces of writing is based in the ritual that I created around Miles shift into becoming a sibling. It speaks of the rite of passages that we can celebrate in our own lives, and of those around us, to bring us back into connection with the meaningful stages of initiation we often forget to honor. I've had a chance to thumb through a copy of the book, which is packed full of mojo to lift your spirited work to a level of global relevance to be savored by all. Check it out! And check in with Christine's blog to find interviews with those of us who contributed and giveaways. It's slated to begin shipping on December 20th, but rumor has it that it may hit the post sooner.

If you'll be in Los Angeles on December 15th, please come to the book release party at the Ambrose Hotel in Santa Monica! Find details HERE.

Two creatives and SouLodge clansisters have added Lodge-inspired jewelry to their collections this season. Celisa Nalls, of My Soul Can Dance (who I had the pleasure of meeting at Serendipity Retreats) is featuring two versions of a necklace and earring set, which she is calling Sacred Soul Journey and Infinite Nature of Energy. She used leopard jasper (a stone which is used in shamanic journeywork) and copper, and element that aids in healing, flow and release of toxicity. I'm so honored that women are creating magic while they dig into their soulwork in SouLodge. I'll feature numero dos and her beautiful creations next week...

I've listed postcard decks again! They'll be shipping out on December 6th, so reserve your deck asap. This is my etsy store hotcake, you might say. Winter SouLodge is also blowing out, and the annual memberships are going fast, too. I'll have a comprehensive page up for what members will receive with the Four Session package in the coming week-you who are going this deep, and waking up to your wild in such a BIG WAY have much in store for you, in addition to just the seasonal session themselves. Wheeee!

As I counted my blessings all day yesterday, you know, officially, and out loud, this community came up again and again. It has become my lifeline, my place to be fully expressed. You who come to gather and offer up ideas, warmth from your kitchens, hope from your hearts, wisdom from your intuition, nourish me. My hope is to give back in 2012, for being able to live my dream, and for the joy of being alive and creative at the perfect time in history.

 

Dashing in to Share

This is beginning to feel like dropping into a party that's being held at my own house-how silly does that feel?! Think of it like I'm passing through on a Grand Adventure to somewhere from which I will soon return...(that Grand Adventure being the opening week of SouLodge and homehunting in Ojai this week).

Find me at The World's Biggest Summit, sharing a tutorial on Prayer Ties. Grab a ticket if you haven't already! There are now 31 days of archives to peruse with gold at every turn.

Find me at Christine Mason Miller's blog, sharing Sixty Seconds on core values. Twenty artists, including myself are thrilled to announce the arrival of Christine's book, Desire to Inspire, which we all are honored to contribute to. If you're in the Los Angeles Area in December, please come to the official launch at the Ambrose Hotel in Santa Monica on December 15th. Email me for more details- I'd love to meet you there!

Have a great week everyone!

 

Fear of Bees

A few weeks ago we took Miles to visit a little school in our new town of Ojai called Grounded By Nature. If you're familiar with Jon Young's Coyote's Guide to Connecting to Nature, or Tom Brown Jr., then you'll have a rough idea of where we want to go with our children's education. As soon as we arrived, I fell in love. It's set way back on an 8-acre property, complete with organic farm and a yurt for doing lessons in. The director was charismatic and sweet, as were her two sun-kissed children. For the first ten minutes, it was heaven.

Then, by the little solar-pump pond, Miles was stung by a Bee, and fell into my arms in a heap of sorrow for the remainder of our hour there. I didn't get most of my questions answered and felt helpless in the moment to do anything but try to transform his experience. To be clear, what I mean by that is that I wanted to control it. I really wanted him to move through it so that I could rest assured that this would be the right place for him. The director's daughter harvested yarrow for me to chew up and blob onto his wound. Her son came forth with an offering of clay to draw out the poison, and his story of how he, too, had been brought to his knees by a sting the week prior. Nothing would console my boy. And my gut was doing flips over it.

We left, making apologetic faces and receiving their full sympathy, with a promise to return on parent meeting day to hand in our paperwork and prepare for the school season. In the interim, I researched educational programs, surrendered my ego around conventional academics, agreed with his Dad to continue homeschooling for now, to supplement the loose, playful, exploratory, outdooring, experiential curriculum, and decided that this is what we wanted for him-that it seemed a good match for what his values are and also his love of the natural world.

Two days before meeting day, M came down with the chickenpox. Sign, or obstacle to overcome? My feverish analytics kicked in full force. Having passed on this vaccination and nearly all others, I was glad to see it arrive, as it offered insurance that he'd move through it at an age considered safe on the immune system and one hundred percent immunity from the virus in the future (as opposed to the 80-85% the vac provides, or so I've read). But it meant that he woudn't be able to come to the meeting with me, and wouldn't be able to attend the rapidly approaching first day of school until......"the last scab falls off".

Enter second stage control issues. He won't get to start with his classmates. What if he doesn't feel part of the group as everyone else does? WHAT IF HE FEELS LIKE AN OUTSIDER? What if, what if, what if?

Fear. Overreaction.

It gets better. I'd sent an email to the director the day the blisters appeared, to let her know that I'd be coming alone and that Miles indeed had the pox and were there any policies about contagiousness I should consider before driving two and a half hours to sit in on the meeting. She didn't get it, and so I phoned about twenty minutes out of town to check in and her response was that Oh, shoot, hmmm, dang, I should probably just drop off my paperwork and check, so that everyone else wouldn't have to worry about the satellite possibility of it creeping toward them. I caught her off-guard and then screwed myself. I agreed.

Heightened anxiety and confusion set in.

In that moment, I no longer knew what I needed, I sacrificed my needs to take care of others, I couldn't determine and ask for another solution-such as sitting way out on the sidelines or hanging around town to talk to her afterwards. When I walked away from the sweet circle of parents and children, having humbly slipped my papers under a grinding stone rock, I felt it hit me. I felt sad, angry, powerless. I sat in tears on the dirt road in a line of empty cars losing my shit.

My children had been in my mother's care back in the valley since six-thirty a.m. at a time when I really felt I should be with them. It was a truly frustrating experience and I couldn't let go. I gripped my big feelings like the inside of a boxing glove: I couldn't trust that we'd made the right decision without receiving their presentation. I couldn't trust that he would feel safe among the other children and families without observing them a little bit. It was all about me, and far less about Miles. Kids trust in the best of ways. Why can't I?

All I could do was shuffle to the local coffee roasters joint (because espresso and anxiety go so well together, right?) and sit in the park with a bagel. I came to a pivotal place, where my own trigger-happy immune inhibitors implored me to turn it around. That this was just Another Lesson in Letting Go. That was it-this is what I do. I talk about living in Trust and here I was sitting in it's rival: Fear. I had to make a choice.

My baby turns six tomorrow and I heard clearly as I walked back toward my car, texting a friend from my infant stage of clarity, that I am being asked to (crocodile tears as I write) let him go off into this new realm- to learn to ask for help from others, to find his way, to shine his light, to fail, and to succeed. The chickenpox cleanse, and a new school in a new town is a rite of passage for him. Yet I've failed to see, until now, that it's a rite of passage for me, too.

I got in my car and drove home to my babes. Later that day, the director was extremely apologetic about not helping me determine what it was I needed that day, and she dazzled me with her expert resolution skills- a bit of hand-holding thrown in. But I don't know that I even needed it. I have everything I need to begin, and my healing and transformation has always, and will always, require me to release my fear and take risks.

Coming back to Trust, always feels like coming Home.

Oh, and Bee? That little busy gal simply teaches us all about how to be part of a real community- working together, as a group.

I'm ready now. In order for my pup to grow strong, build immunity, find his community, and come to peace with her medicine, I've got to release my grasp on the only way I've ever known him.

 

Had I been looking, I coulda seen it comin' from a mile away.

 

There Is Only Make

Sometimes it's not until I sit down and take inventory, do I really know what it is I've been up to. Isn't it funny how we can run all year long and proects that have finally come to fruition start popping up. When you're busy making, it's kind of a fun game of surprises.

Here's where you can find me these days:

Teaching a mixed-media workshop and at a vendor night table at the sold-out Fall Session of Squam Art Workshops in mid-September. I'll also be celebrating my fortieth birthday while I'm there (on vendor night) so come by if you're in the neighborhood! I'll find some cupcakes somewhere and we can chat.

Inside the pages of the amazing book, Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World, by Christine Mason Miller. Which is now available for pre-order! Writing and creating exercises for this project was one of the most important things I have worked on this year. It's dear to my heart for many reasons-and it's packed full of inspiration from twenty artists I'm blessed to be in the company of.

Donating to a giveaway at dandelionseeds&dreams for Lis Hofmann's fundraiser for Half the Sky Foundation. There is a print and a card deck to be scored!

As featured artist this week at Creative Therapy, with a new never-before-seen painting, entitled, Faith.

Special Guest/Interviewee in the upcoming e-Course, by internationally known and phenomenally wild artist, Stephanie Levy, Creative Courage. The interview questions are so very juicy, this course is going to turn the world of art e-courses on it's ear. You may also know Stephanie from artistswhoblog, still one of my favorite blogs ever.

Teaching two days of mixed-media painting and a half day of journeying with totem animals in the mythical Outer Banks of North Carolina at Serendipity Retreats. I just found out that Mindy Lacefield has been added to the roster of instructors- and if you don't know Mindy, well...you might really like to.

Hope to see you face-to-face out in the world because a) I like to hug my kindreds and b) because it's nicer than type-to-type once in a while!

 

Wild News

There is so much wild seed flying out on the wind right now! An incredible spirit of creation and manifestation is taking place. This is just a little sample of what's fallen onto my path this weekend. Please share your finds in the comments and let's have a free-for-all!

I love Connie's new video AND she has two more sessions of BIG:: A Fearless Painting Adventure offered this year. She is a creative force to be reckoned with.

Stephanie Levy, the uber-talanted multi-tasker behind Artists Who Blog, has just launched Creative Courage, a comprehensive course in building your creative confidence, featuring twelve special guests (ahem) and a virtual trip to Venice, Italy. I'm so excited to see how Stephanie executes this- if anyone can do it, she can!

I might be a little late to the party, but I was very excited to flop onto the sofa at my parent's house, flip through a Land of Nod catalog, and see Marisa Haedike's piece, The Buddy System, jump off the page at me!

If you dig the rebellious work and spirit of Keri Smith as I do, you'll be happy to get out of your own way and Wreck This App.

If you tweet, you may know about Kinfolk Magazine. All I know is  that if Molly Wizenberg has her hand in the mix, I'm buying. She's got the magic gift of aesthetic and tasty eats.

I just downloaded Seeing in the Dark, by Dr. Estes, and would love to know if you've listened, and what you think. Clarissa P. is causing my weekly drives to Ojai to be another opportunity to ponder the mysteries of our shadows. Plus her voice is like a fairy godmother's, and who doesn't need that?

Postscript: Seeing in the Dark is much more about seeing with the eyes of a wisewoman, enlightened vision! Even better!

Unbound

 

Last night I did a healing on myself at bedtime. I had an old, old issue I needed to experience some more release with and I have a trick I use to perform soul retrieval on myself with (which those of you who are in the SouLodge will get to work with), because sometimes when I need to do some deep inner healing, I don't have time to schedule an appointment with a local practitioner and wait for it. It may require more assistance and deeper work with a trusted healer later, but to begin, I just needed to get the work moving.

As often is the result, I felt a big shift and the thing that was triggering me had a lot less energy behind it. What I think is miraculous is that we get to a point where we are capable of doing much work ourselves. I love to go outside of myself for feedback and help, bodywork, acupuncture, therapy, power conversations within my phone tribe...I've loved the tools I've been able to gather through all of the work I've found myself smack in the middle of, sometimes when I least expected it. Last night's retrieval left me feeling pretty open and clear.

First thing today, I got caught up in a conversation online about labels, judgement, politics, and fear, (and Dennis Hopper, who I never knew spent some time as  Republican, but as the story goes, was both radical and dynamic at the same time. I don't know why I was surprised, knowing wild him). On the heels of my last post, I figured it wasn't an accident that I'd landed here. The powers that be have a strange way of testing me faster than I can say, "One Love".

The messages coming through on many levels is that I'm not comfortable being in boxes, and neither were the women I was having the discussion with, though I got that we're probably polar opposites in the voting booth. Who knows? Maybe not. I didn't give a damn. I wasn't going to sit there under old previous umbrellas and see our differences. I consciously sought to see where we were the same. It wasn't hard to come from an honest place and feel comfortable without being accomodating. And they were doing it, too. It was enlightening and liberating on many levels. Not to go there-to differences. What purpose would it have served?

I've called myself all kinds of things in order to try to get to know myself better, to draw people toward me or distance them from me. This evolution that is taking place, for so many of us collectively, is that when we stand in our power as women, we don't need those ill-fitting garments anymore to protect us. We can trust that if we eat a piece of bacon we won't slide down a slippery slope and become dietarily irresponsible, or environmentally unconscious if we don't by a hybrid vehicle. The need to prove and appear put together- of value to onlookers - starts to wane as our hairs gray and fight for more precious real estate up there where all of the thinking goes on. Surrender to coming of middle age, hence accepting the staff of emotional maturity isn't as grim as it sounds. Think of Georgia O' Keefe, how even in her white-haired days, which is how most of us remember her, she was a wild, free Woman. And naked! She was beautifully unbound.

Many of us have our feet on varying stones of this meditative walk to getting clear, but one thing seems certain: It seems we are willing to become even more comfortable with who we are. There is no need to qualify our choices, offer disclaimers for the shape our homes are in, do it all right in the outer world, get the thumbs up for our casseroles.

There is bigger work to be done in the inner world, which in turn manifests more boldly in the outer. It's a long process, and each time the road rises up, I find I'm ready to meet it. When a piece of me feels like it's gone missing, I want to go back and rescue it and bring it back in, my way.

This old Earth moves and evolves so slowly, so patiently, rhythmically. My hope is that we can learn to be kind during our transitions, as she is. That we can create with intention and purpose, but without expectation to look like something that others might find agreeable. It's not about being ambivalent about what others think-rather it's putting what a woman thinks about *herself* first.

Ours is the heart we have to heal.

No ribbon, please.

 

Beltane Getaway and Interview with Stephanie Ladd

I'm off again to the central coastlands of my native California, this time as a magical group of eight to celebrate the season of Beltane, which begins May 1st and marks the mid-point between Spring and Summer. Light your own mighty fire for fertile prosperity and I'll tell you all about my adventure when I return.

The Goddess Maia, Queen of May.

I've interviewed someone precious to me to hold you over until I come skipping down the lane, flower garlands and maypole streamers clinging to my gown. I digress.

What I love most about Stevie Ladd, of Owl and Crow, is that she has fearlessly created something she'd always had in her. Her book, In the Lap of the Goddess: Connecting with the Divine Feminine, contains the meaty questions we've all been faced with-the ones that seem to come up again and again, but she takes you down into the deeper levels for new insights. I'm so proud to share her with you.

Enjoy!

 

What inspired you to create your SoulWork book, In the Lap of the Goddess: Connecting with the Divine Feminine?

Since I moved from California to North Carolina almost 3 years ago, I was determined to find a more creative way to do my work as a psychotherapist. I wanted to open up more as a writer and artist and find a way to bridge the two.

Both you and Leonie Allen have inspired me in the way you have built a strong following through your blogs and have created your art and other products that are so tied into who you are and your evolutionary process. It's so fun to watch and be a part of. I ordered Leonie's Creating My Goddess Year e-book and got inspired to write my own e-book about my favorite subject from an archetypal psychology point of view.

So I designed this book to be interactive, to help women plumb their own depths and find their way into the lap of the goddess by doing soul work.

Can you tell me more about what you mean by soul work?

I mean the deep questioning and exploration of our psyches, our purpose, life's meaning, our past, present and future. Ultimately, it is the work of connecting to our Self, with a capital S. And our higher Self is but a reflection of the divine feminine--the goddess of your choosing, or the goddess that chooses you.

I love the idea that a goddess figure would choose me to work with her. Which one called to you first as you went about beginning this book?

Well, when I got to North Carolina, I kept meeting Yemaya. Rob (my husband) had brought back a handmade Yemaya doll from New Orleans about 10 years ago and she had been packed away for a long time. I put her on my altar in my studio in North Carolina, surrounded by shells and other things I found at the ocean.

Yemaya is a mermaid and I kept being drawn to mermaids. At the same time, I was feeling this oceanic, watery energy calling me to create and flow. I made several dolls, SoulCollage® cards, and a shadow box, all with mermaids. I started looking into Yemaya's qualities and realized she was a Creator archetype and that's what was being activated in me. I started this book with her guiding me, acting as a muse. I feel I have gotten to know her quite well and have a relationship with her that helps me feel guided and protected.

What other goddesses make appearances in the book, and what drew you to them or them to you?

Kali was actually the first goddess I did a chapter on because I needed to clear out some old garbage before I could move forward with Yemaya and the book I had started. I had gotten stuck and needed help.

Remember how our teacher, Irene, used to say that when she created her retreats, whatever theme she chose she had to go through it herself, as she was preparing to teach it? That's what happened with me. I had to face some old creative blocks, so I worked with Kali, the Destroyer goddess, and she helped me burn up these fears and let go of some old ways of seeing myself and my work.

I've been exploring the Triple Goddess since I got here, too. I chose the Greek triple goddess represented by Persephone, the Maiden, Demeter, the Mother, and Hecate, the Crone because I love their story. The maiden and mother have been strong with me as I have watched Chloe (my daughter) transform from a 12-year-old girl when we first moved here, to a young woman of 15. There's been a little grieving involved with that, and I've revisited and healed some more of my own relationship with my mother in the process.

And then I've got one foot in the Mother and one foot in the Crone since I had Chloe late in my childbearing years. So Hecate has helped me own the wild woman and the wise woman. I love her magical, witchy, medial nature. She is truly the dragoman of the Soul.

What do you hope women will come away with by doing the exercises in your workbook?

I hope they will have an experience of how the goddess lives within them. I offer suggestions for rituals, totems, and altars so they can work with the goddess not only internally, but externally. It's important to create and surround yourself with likenesses of her when you work with goddess energy to make it a richer, deeper experience.

I've used a lot of pictures in the book because images are the language of the soul. Metaphor and archetypes allow us direct access to the soul as well. So I'm hoping women will have fun exploring some themes of feminine psychology through the goddesses presented in these pages. It's really a stepping stone, a way in. They can then take the relationships they develop as far as they want. I hope to expand on these goddesses more over time.

Who is likely to get the most out of your book? What does this reader look like? If I may be so bold to ask.

I think fearless women who like to journal and create will especially enjoy getting to know themselves better through these goddesses, and those who want to discover or explore their inner yearnings and their own divinity.

I'm starting to feel like Oprah here. How do we get the workbook? Because I want it now. It's Kali the Destroyer my inner wild woman needs to hang with. I've already been chosen! I know my wild self is tied to experiencing Kali as a creative-destructive-creative superhero, embodying the Life-Death-Life cycle I write about so much here.

It's available for download as a PDF on my blog, on the order page for In the Lap of the Goddess. You can buy single chapters, or the whole book to download and print.

I'll have copies ready to mail by May 20, and accepting preorders now, but if you order it before then, it's $22 instead of $24.

And there are 3 free audio versions of the guided journeys in the book that anyone can download and listen to available on my blog.

Ooh, I'm exploring your order page now-well done. Easy. I love it. I'm so excited about this book, and I'm loving that you're offering it as a PDF. All I need is more paper around here. Thank you for doing that-being as green as can be. I may want to print some of the goddesses images and hang them about, however. What else can you share with us?

I would love to know how women use the book, and what they get out of it, so feedback is welcome.

And thank you, my dear friend, for featuring me on Pink Coyote and sharing my book with your wonderful circle of wild, creative and fearless women.

Yip! Awroooooo!

Stephanie Anderson Ladd is a Marriage and Family Therapist, SoulCollage® Facilitator, and an amazing, awakened wild woman living her creative life in Chapel Hill, NC. I call her Stevie, as all of her sisters do. All I needed to know about trust, relationship and communication began with our longs talks and mountain walks, during what seems like a lifetime ago. Everyone needs a Stevie. I know I do. I hope you'll be as inspired by her work and stories as I am.

Wild Giveaway

The most common page-turners in my stash. I've been asked a lot of questions lately, which is kind of exciting because it tells me that all around me there is an energy about going deeper within and a kind of collective willingness to gather the tools right in front of us, in nature, to do that deeper work with. To reconnect with one's wilder aspects.

Knowing my environment and what it's gifts are have helped me feel more comfortable here, where I live, which does not really feel like my home. It's also made living here much more fun and interesting while I do what I need to do to thrive. Knowing my inner landscape has helped me navigate through the things I struggle with, as if carrying a compass, helping me find my way with relative ease over the bumps.

Wolves and other beasties have that beautiful inner compass which helps them make decisions that protect and honor them, without having to think about it all the time. They trust themselves. It seems like this is made up of instinct and senses working together with a well-tuned perception device. There is no right and wrong about it. Just...trust that they are where they are, and they are going where they are going. Something I love about the creatures is that they do respond to information coming in based on what has happened to them, what they've learned through experience- yet they don't use their defenses unless there is reason to do so. Observing the natural world teaches me how much *basura* I carry with me needlessly.

I watched a large ant cart a moth wing higgeldy-piggeldy toward his hill today. Of course, I thought of the rubber tree and what ants aren't supposed to be able to do and all. But it also occurred to me how present he was to dropping the wing, getting lost under it, figuring it out-he just kept moving steadily towards his goal. He didn't stop and ask himself if he should be carrying his prize to the destination. He didn't overanalyze how frustrating it was. He didn't look for someone to coach him through the process. He just knew he needed that wing *real bad* and so he claimed it, patiently working his little ant ass off to get to where he wanted to go. He trusted that he would eventually get there.

What does wild mean to you? How does it express in your life?

Share to have your name in the cauldron for a copy of the print, Go Wild Believing, the DECK-a FULL set of postcards (20), and a Rabbit medicine bundle. Three winners to be announced Thursday. Be sure to tell me which item you love the mostest.

 

 

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Ode to Hafiz by Christine Mason Miller

This was made when Christine and I were in Big Sur in January. I love the beautiful art she created from our time spent. Music is Andvari by Sigur Ros and poetry belongs to Hafiz.

All You Need

I love this boy, his wide open heart and sponge of a mind, his love of the natural ways of the earth and wind, his free spirit and compassion for living things.

I love waking up to intense sunshine streaming through the front window, even when she cries, "Too briiiight!"

I love growing-slowly, painfully, crooked at times, as a fool for love, and poetry.

I love my gloriously gifted friends and artists near to my heart, for their thoughts, their brilliant locomotion and originality.

I love giving someone a chance that could save their lives.

I love this giveaway.

I love releasing again and again, as there is always something to give back to the earth for transformation.

I love this book, by Sandra Ingerman.

I love hating something about myself and finding a way to be kind and love it instead.

I love our new tax accountant! A thousand blessings on Blake!

I love the promise of Spring, the gentle and light gift it brings on the breeze, mornings warm enough to open all the windows.

I love that love is enough, in so many instances. All of them, actually. If words and actions are done with love, from a place of love for humankind and this planet, everything would be possible. Everything is possible. Right now.

Vlog Sacred Tools: Medicine Pouch

Here's another informal backyard vlog on using sacred medicine tools. This time I take you on a quick tour through stuffing my pouch to get ready for an overnight trip. Can you tell I'm in a bit of a hurry to get packed and on the road? I still haven't sorted out how to set up the camera for the best view and so I'll try to work the kinks out there before I make the next one.

I also share a bit of the drum for a teaser of what the trance beat is like when one takes a traditional shamanic journey, as promised. The drum sounds a bit flat on the video, but it actually has a nice deep resonance. If you feel called to find a drum for yourself, be sure to play lots of them. There will be a sound and size that feels just perfect for you.

To learn more about shamanic journeywork, try Michael Harner's Way of the Shaman or Sandra Ingerman's Soul Retrieval. Both detail the purpose of taking shamanic journeys, as well as how they are conducted in a sacred manner. If you'll be attending Call of the Wild, my mixed-media workshop at Squam Art Workshops in September, you'll get a little taste of what the journey is like for yourself.

To learn more about animal totems and begin the path toward integrating the wild creatures into your spirit practice, check out Ted Andrews' Animal Speak or Animal Wise. There are a lot of great card decks that explore animal symbolism, as well, and a quick search at Amazon or your local metaphysical shop will produce colorful options for divining animal wisdom. If you have a great resource for animals, please share it in the comments. Sometimes I find old books at the library on a particular species and that gives a nice depth. We can learn so much from creatures just by observing them, as many of you already do.

I don't think you could see the beautiful purple earrings I'm wearing, but I'm wild about them. They were crafted by Celisa Nalls of MySoulCanDance and when I opened the package, I could feel joy leaping out at me. The adornments we wear, or talismans we're drawn to help tap us into our intuitive nature, too. The creations we make with our hands vibrate with the energy that we bring to the worktable, and that creates a ripple of light that never ends. It's such a blessing to have access to so many gifted and inspirited artisans.

The sacred Lakota corn was given to me by Lauren Luquin of Visionwise. One of the best things about meeting others on this path is that we get to share tools and honor one another with gifts to add to the ever-expanding toolkit for healing ourselves and the Earth.

On my travels to the coast this weekend, I might leave behind any one of the items in my pouch as an offering to the earth. It is traditional practice to leave tobacco as an offering or a tiny crystal, such as the amethyst one I tucked in there. The lavender buds or the corn would also be a nice way to thank the Earth and Spirit for the gifts and healing they bring.

Please consider the comments section a forum for questions and sharing of stories. We all benefit from hearing others sing with their authentic voices.

Thank you for honoring the medicine and howling up this beautiful Wolf Moon we're seeing!

Real Flowers

My mail is full of cries of hunger and they are really cries of hunger for experience in the deep and fulfilling sense of the word. If a woman has artificial flowers in her house, flowers that need dusting twice a year but never die, she is closing herself off from any understanding of death. And if a woman has to remain thirty-nine, she is arresting her own growth as surely as if she were a Chinese lady a hundred years ago and had bound her feet.  --May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

In some ways, I feel as if I could have written this passage myself. There is such a hunger for growth all around me, and I command it for myself, so I suppose it isn't to be a surprise. My fortieth year completes in the Fall and I find my thoughts occasionally drifting to what midlife will bring with it. I've stuffed this year full of things to keep me happily busy, and I wonder sometimes if I did it to make this year really...meaningful.

I, like May, have my father's work ethic that leaves me feeling a tad disappointed, though thankfully, not ashamed, if a day goes by in which I don't make something, do something wonderful, make a quality of it, seize it and call it mine. He still carries these expectations, for himself and everyone else, and it's a heavy burden to bear when life begins to slide down the other side of the peak. Those of us who are extremely driven may have trouble honoring quieter days when the time comes to do such a thing.

I see many lists when I'm crawling the webs late at night, of things to do before one has a birthday. A complex array of tasks and feats, which I delight to see crossed off. When I began having children, I decided that making no plans would be the best tact for me. This is the first year, even though it's my third in business as an artist, that I have made a sack full of plans, and big ones.

Last night as I was bundling away, Ivy cried out from her room. I wanted to see if she'd soothe herself back to sleep, but there was a desperate tone, so I went in and found the poor dear dangling from the end of her bed, feet near to the floor and little arms struggling to keep herself up. She was filled with anger, it seemed, from having to hang there for the thirty seconds while I made my decision to rush in. She raged and raged once I rescued her. I can sense such a strength and determination to take care of herself. But I sense, once she's given me all of her big feelings- shouted and growled, squeezed my arms hard and yelled into my face- when she goes soft and snuggles up into my cheek and shoulder, that what she wants most is care. Her personality is one who says no to help most often. But I was reminded again tonight that she, too, just wants a safe place to rest and put her feelings when the day is done. 

During the day when she determines to climb on every high surface, do everything her brother's doing, lick the bowl from the top step of the stool, brush her own teeth and rinse them, too...all of it, I see so much of my own sweat in her. She fights, this one. Her independence causes me to do other things besides hover around and adore her all day long, and yet, I got the feeling tonight that she was reminding me that she needs me so much, much more than I think she does. She needs me not to pause when she cries out, but to trust that because of who she is- when she calls for it, she really needs aid.

Her hunger for growth, to do it all seems like the same theory that I operate on when I create my life, my work. I want to do it all, my way, all of the things that matter and allow me to feel like I'm really doing something. I squeeze every drop of meaning and symbolism out of my experiences....and why? Unashamedly, I say that I do this because I want my life to matter. I want to take responsibility for it's quality. As Joseph Campbell said several posts back, I seek the experience of being ALIVE.

It goes without saying that whether we cross those things off of our long lists or whether we sit in lotus for the next forty years, it all matters. Without planning it, naming it, thinking it, designing it, coloring it, teaching it, it all matters without anyone ever even knowing about it. I am learning again the lesson of balancing my inner scales, teetering on the midpoint of my life, while choosing real flowers and shoes I can wiggle my toes in.

The Splits

Several times in my life I've felt as if a part of me was missing. The first time I recall it was twenty years ago, after the devastating loss of a mate, which triggered all sorts of abandonment injuries, or perhaps reinjuries, to my soul. I felt like the walking dead for many months and I can look back and see how it affected me for years.

Loss comes with regularity now, and each time it happens I can feel how something I no longer need strips away off of me and falls back to the Earth. It drifts lightly down, like a snakeskin. The letting go can be an exhilarating experience when the lessons become clear. When my Grandfather passed last year, it marked the beginning of shedding major layers of stories that had been paining my family for generations. Since I am the keeper of ceremony for my family, I processed those events for us, releasing the pain in solitary rites and gifting them to the Earth for transformation, like a fall dandelion releasing its featherlight seeds to be reborn.

I went to a circle on Friday night, my first with my treasured women since May. Our teacher had moved to the city and is now making her way back home. In an exercise with a partner, in which we stood face to face, then back to back, receiving readings and messages, I felt very open and vulnerable. I could feel the void within me. I felt like I'd been seperated from my twin and in this moment, I was reunited as a tree from which roots shot down into the deep Earth and arms extended to the Sky and grew taller, taller, until I could look down over all of the grove and feel my evergrowing commitment to this work.

I have to say that I left with a lingering feeling that my soul is in a bit of disrepair, and seeking a part of herself that got split off, as if scanning the rubble for the missing bit. I intend to ask for a soul retrieval from someone qualified, to bring in some insights, or I may conduct one by myself. My dreams and experiences this new year all seem to point in the direction of bringing a cleansed aspect back in that somehow got lost in all of that shedding. Since the exercise (that felt more like a healing) I already feel less exposed and more protected, but in a very soft, not-armored way. That thing that was depleting me feels less internally demanding, as well.

I'm enjoying the soft gust of information that comes from sitting in a sacred space, holding the questions and awaiting the download. As I deepen my trust of this process, and hold fast to my intention to allow my body and Spirit to lead the way, my mind is getting a much needed break. It feels a bit floaty-dreamy up here, but I'm in no rush to get back to the ground yet. Maybe when my Mercury goes retrograde on Tuesday. *wink*

Boxing Day Love

Someone dear, who apparently knows just the medicine I need, honored me for the holidays by sending me The Gift: Poems by Hafiz, The Great Sufi Master. It is translated by Daniel Ladinsky, who takes a few modern, snarky liberties with the Master's works, but conveys his desperate passion with good timing.

I read half of it Christmas Eve night while lounging in the bath, high on the bliss of watching my babies rip through paper and throw themselves screaming atop a telescope, a tabletop pool game, a baby doll, and a toy piano. I was stoned on the silence that fell over the house after they lay crashed in tangles of legs, blankies and stuffies; warm in the bubbly water and a window cracked.

I gasped appreciatively as I turned page after page, devouring enlightened passages in which the Sun and Stars, Light and Hearts are capitalized to indicate their holy quality.

 

THE GREAT WORK

 

Love

Is the great work

Though every heart is first an

Apprentice

 

That slaves beneath the city of Light.

 

This wondrous trade,

This magnificent throne your soul

Is destined for--

 

You should not have to think

Much about it,

 

Is is not clear

An apprentice needs a teacher

Who himself

 

Has charmed the universe

To reveal its wonders inside his cup.

 

Happiness is the great work,

Though every heart must first become

A student

 

To one

Who really knows

About Love.

 

-Hafiz

Wishing Well

 

Well of Grief

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source
from which we drink
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for
something else.

-David Whyte

 

I'm not hanging out with the Swamp Hag again, but this poem reminds me so much of my time with her. Today seemed like a good day to honor her riches, the very last day of the month of November, a month which seems to be gold like the treasure found in her haggy presence.

Have you ever read this book, by the way? I love it so. Starhawk was the very first author I read when I put my feet on this road out loud (The Spiral Dance), and she holds a special Grandmotherly place in my heart.

Reverence comes in and settles down for a comfortable nap inside of my bones these days. When I begin to paint animals, they all want to be white. They all speak to me of connection, family, stillness, divine mediocrity, the quiet quest. It reminds me of what it must be like to be a bear, cuddled up in a cave while awaking now and again to appreciate the snowy landscape outside before circling and falling again into dreamtime.

It's a beautiful time to count blessings and share love, unlike any other. I get very swept up in the giving spirit of this holiday. Each time we read a book featuring a likeness of Santa, I feel choked up. There really is a magic about giving and taking care of others warmly during the cold season. I'm still crying as often as my eyes will leak, keeping the seeds damp underground as they rest.

I've taken to sleeping with two Coyotes, a Silver Fox and the Black Wolf, the latter being a gift I will share about here soon. Sleeping under a pile of dogs has taken me to some lovely country in the dreamtime, again: white with snow and dormancy to rest in and sift through during the silent hours.

Winter is becoming like a religion to me. Come January, it will be much harder to show up joyfully for worship-but for now, I am pleased here in the desert, a soft, thick blanket of downy flakes on my mind.

Messy Loser + Shop Update

There are four original paintings left at Enormous Tiny (ahem...holidays are approaching) and there's a BOGO sale going on through Sunday in my shop on prints. And I'm finally sitting down to work on a new series. I've taken most of September (and up until now) off to regroup after Summer's feeding frenzy.

Ahh, it feels so very right to be sitting at the worktable again. I love the cycles of days and art. I get a particular thrill of seeing the work projected from my soul onto a screen in my mind and then beginning the process to help them come to life. They seldom look just as I'd pictured them, because they like to do the driving after a certain point- and I'm happy to let them boss me around.

 

 

I've been trying to read a book from beginning to end, The Courage to Create, by Rollo May. It was written in 1975 from a psychologist's point of view. I've loved every page, yet I keep losing the damn book! The first copy was from the library and I left it in the seatback in front of me as I flew back from Boston in early September. So I ordered a copy from Amazon, knowing it was one of few books I would return to again and again. I began almost from the beginning to re-read all I needed refreshing on, got about 50 pages beyond, and now I can't find it!

The TRUST portion of me has hooked into the idea that there is something important and timely in that book which I'm at this moment opening up to. It's so full of gems, so I'm prepared to have my socks knocked off. *If only I could locate it*. And the nastier voice that badgers, "Why are you always losing everything!!??" is the one I'm trying to sshh down like a babe who's cranky and needs a nap.

And then I put another bead in my goddessy mess of a rat's nest and allow the critical bits to go out the way they came. Because I just don't want to do that anymore.

 

*cluster dread bead by naessla*

Eyes Up

Warriors learn to trust their own judgment about what is harmful and, perhaps most important, they develop the courage to fight for what they want or believe in, even when doing so requires great risk--the loss of a job, a mate, friends, social regard, or even their very lives.

-Carol S. Pearson, The Hero Within: Six Archetypes We Live By

Surrender

I get asked a lot about what this tattoo is a symbol of. Love? Harmony? Trust?

It's sort of all of those things, but I never find it simple to explain.

In 1998 I walked into the local Vermont Ave. tattoo joint with a copy of the Tao Te Ching in my hand and pointed to the symbol. I sat for about forty-five minutes while the artist inked and scratched the moving shapes into my left deltoid. This was a bold move for me, a tattoo on my arm; I'd hid the others below the waistline: the wolf's paw print in 1990 and the Warrior's spear in 1994. Earlier messages to my then self from my further-along self that I am still learning about. Funny how we reach back and teach ourselves from the future, isn't it?

The direct translation of Tao means, literally, the way.

Like so many things I've done, I have no real clue why I'm doing them until it manifests years later. I only know in the moment that it will be significant, though I can't say precisely why or how. Releasing and surrender have been big for me for a very long time, but I'd say that this year has been the token year of letting go. Letting it all go...

This piece, from the essay Surrender Into Mothering, by Chris Pritchard, says much of it for me:

What I know now about parenting is to "surrender." I've learned how childbirth brings with it self-discovery, self-healing, and adaptation to the new selves we become every single day of our lives. No one ever told me that, as an adult, I would keep on changing. I would have to move and flow with changes in myself, as well as all around me, for the rest of my life. No one ever explained that this process never ends, that it is infinite. Learning to surrender means learning to go with change. And change requires surrender.

From the first days of pregnancy, when the beautiful creature inside your body begins to puff out your belly and your breasts, makes you nauseated and tired, makes you have emotional depths and heights, radically affects your relationship with everyone around you, you are asked by this tiny new life to adapt to all these changes, If you resist you will suffer. You must give in. You do let go. You shed your old self. Perhaps pregnancy, more than any other period in a woman's life, enables her to understand the complexity of this requirement in life--to change and to adapt.

Pregnancy enables us to open a multitude of doorways--into ourselves, into our ancestral past, and into our future. Sometimes walking through these doorways can give us insights that can shift old patterns on this planet. The gift of childbirth challenges us to take nothing for granted, and to flow and to move like a great ocean, around any rocky obstacle.

 

I begin my fortieth year wiring in Coyote's way- to enjoy having without possessing, to revel in loving without boundaries, to delight in surrendering my defenses, to laugh when I might reflexively admonish myself, to freely release all that I create, to dance around the fire which burns up the old, to drink in breath without fear, to trust it all and take nothing for granted. To do less, to want less, to need less. To practice it over and over again.

To yield.

Whatever is soft and yielding

is a disciple of life.

The hard and stiff will be broken.

The soft and supple will prevail.

-Tao Te Ching

He's A Mess

 

Miles: More Messing in Keri's fantastic book.

No one is having more fun letting go of control than me. But as Miles destroyed a Jet Puft marshmallow (his idea, I suggested the Agave syrup-easy, right?) and schmeared it onto the page, (which had instructed him to apply something sticky and then cover it with a powdery substance, then blow off), I could see the magic working on him, too. As the brewer's yeast (his choice) was taking flight, I could see him letting go. Keri's books, and I don't mean to gush here, help our family open up wide.

They open up my ability to parent my children in the way that I want to. Not the way I am biologically/psychologically driven to. Her instructions read like daring commands. So simple and yet many of them trigger a place within me that is always crying out to break the rules.

As we put the entire book into the microwave to melt the marshmallow ("one to eat, and one to melt, mama?"), I totally felt myself fretting. Would the book binding melt? Yes, yes, you can have another marshmallow...Some of the pages were already coming out a little...are we going to mess up... WAIT A MINUTE!

Missing the point, wasn't I? So her plan is working.

Working it's magic on me, from the inside out.

Just like I like it.

Do It All Wrong

 

Ivy, willing to make a Mess of things.

Fear keeps me from beginning. It keeps a person from putting one foot in front of the other and walking toward a desired destination.

When Miles was learning to say his first words, I noticed that if he couldn't say it the way he wanted to (the way we were speaking a word), then he would stop trying. As early as eighteen months I could see perfectionism already plaguing him. He didn't want to say it wrong, or in a way that was dissatisfying to him. He still suffers this, but we work a lot on risk taking and enjoying the process with him, and it seems to be letting up a bit. The lovely side to his perfectionism is that he receives a lot of praise from his teachers and the moms who work at school about how concentrated he is when he's cutting with scissors, painting, coloring. What I think gets missed here, though, is that while it brings him great satisfaction to make something that he is pleased with the result of, he seems less free-spirited in the process of creating. I, controlling mother that I am, want him to enjoy the bloody journey!

This may be more important to me than it is to him, so I just sort of let him do his thing until he really begins to suffer, and then I step in with a bit of coaching and "it doesn't have to be perfect... as long as you're having fun" sort of momtalk.

When I begin a new project, especially one that's out of my comfort zone or area of expertise, I can feel trepidation creep in. It requires a lot of trust, even stubborn faith, to face off with it. What it boils down to is that I don't want to screw it up. I don't want my vision to corrupt before my very eyes at my own feeble hands.

There are some of you who have asked me technical questions about printing your own artwork and creating an Etsy store- and I can hear the fear in your voices: you don't want to get it wrong. Maybe if you have a little bit more time, you'll feel more confident. At no point as an artist do I feel like I have everything I need to get started with full confidence. When fear of beginning strikes, I'm wondering if we can try be more persistent at fueling our tanks with pure vision and determination.

That being said, here are a few of my favorite creative business resources:

HP7280 Photosmart PSC: I use the same printer this year as I did last year. Soon it will be due for an upgrade and I do believe I'll buy the Canon 9000 series if I insist on printing hands-on. But this cheapie has allowed me to scan my work at high resolution, print on the heavier artsy papers like Moab and Hahnemuhle, and also use the copier to tweak the drawings and images that I use in my work-with minimal issues. The ink is archival (Vivera 02) and the thing was a steal on Amazon. (It seems like a lot has changed at HP since I bought my printer. I'd recommend making certain that the printer uses ink that's archival quality. I wanted to point you to something that already works for me, but it seems like your own research will be required here. I learned a lot by reading about printers in Etsy forums.)

Moab Entrada Rag 190GSM: I get this paper through Amazon, shipped by Adorama Camera and I love it's weight. There are nicer papers out there, but for some reason, this is the one that my brightly colored work looks and feels best on.

Shipping Supply: I get kraft no-bend mailers here. Love 'em.

Clearbags: I buy the rigid backing board and cello sleeves for prints here. I love their biodegradable options.

Overnight Prints: Business cards and postcards from here are the best. Love the rounded corners option. They have sales about once a month and postcards can be bought for up to 60% less than their list prices.

Don't let fear of doing it all wrong stop you. Be willing to do it anyway and screw it up! In the end, you'll be just fine.

Dusty Smelly Perfect

 

No one is here to guide me.

To engage full intuition.

Bounce against the fencelines.

Answer the unkind phonecall of the mystery.

Breathe the soot of my own limitations.

Cough forth the bitter-tasting old way.

Untangle invisible webs placed by my own hands.

Discover alone.

Hold possibilities (to my sternum) for which there are no language.

Anxious, mute and lacking glory.

Hands extended out front.

Instincts erect.

I listen.

"We are called upon to do something new, to confront a no man's land, to push into a forest where there are no well-worn paths and from which no one has returned to guide us. This is what the existentialists call the anxiety of nothingness. To live into the future means to leap into the unknown, and this requires a degree of courage for which there is no immediate precedent and which few people realize." 

-Rollo May, The Courage to Create.

Lightbringers

I'm still having an inside laugh that this beautiful creature showed up when it did, and was pointed out to me by my friend with whom I'd just been having a conversation about drawing more light to us and having more to shine out. In other words, shedding some of the bullshit that crops up in thinking and relationships that have lived themselves out in order to welcome in new energy.

Here is my take on what Ted Andrews has to say about this magical fairy being:

Dragonfly's bright colors take time to develop, reflecting that with maturity our own true colors come forth. They inhabit water and air, and undergo metamorphosis when they change from nymph to fly. As they gain their big-girl wings (totally not Ted's words) they learn to balance passion and emotions with greater mental clarity and control. Because this transformation takes two years, Dragonfly may be showing up to indicate a two-year period of growth and full color emergence. Summer is the realm of light and Dragonfly thrives in the warmth and light of the sun. Being near sun and fresh water restores health, while the power of light infuses it with magic.

"Dragonflies remind us that we are light and can reflect the light in powerful ways if we choose to do so. Dragonfly can help you to see through your illusions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of colorful new vision."

I can't think of a better reading from Spirit and mama Nature than what our flaming friend brought, as we stood among the ancients in Maezen's garden.

It seems like there are such promising little scents on the wind for the rest of the year and the coming one, too. I feel more inspired than ever to allow the changes that are wanting to come in. I feel fearless about it, in fact. Many of the changes I thought would happen this year are not going to be. But others jumped up into my frame of vision, convincing me that there is so much that the unknown can show us when we are open.

If you are a woman with wild and colorful inclinations, this is the time for you to howl your voice and hear your pack. Summer's light and long days are ripe with possibility for you to find others like you, and bond and spread your magical light. All illusion can fall away, and you can feel safe just being you.

shadowmama

working with my own shadow has been something i've been doing since i attended a retreat about seven years ago and became really familiar with what a shadow was. for me, being in a shadow meant that i was believing something about myself or my life that was essentially a lie, based on repressed bits from childhood, or fear of repeating mistakes i'd made in adulthood. if there is a part of me that i just really don't like, then it would likely show up, leaking-out-like in a shadow behavior or state. this is totally my rendition of what being in a shadow means to me, and of course master jung can fill you in properly textbook if you care to read any of his brilliance. (man and his symbols is still my fave).

my recent funkification has brought up a lot of things to look over. i'm weaning ivy, and that means that (any chance of  oopsy not being considered here) when she comes off the boob for good, it will be my final goodbye to that particular stage of life where i am nurturing anyone with my body's precious natural resources. i fear feeling cut off from the archetype of the milky mother i have so come to identify with. for a cumulative time of nearly three years over the course of four and a half years, i have been nourishing and comforting a babe this way. and this is hard for me to let go of.

i find myself drawing inward to search out what is next for me beyond this stage. it's a little death, which i seem to experience so often. i'm at peace with the frequent turning over of cells here, but it wears me out, this path. though i have not been experiencing much typical shadow talk (from the "gremlins" so often referred to in bloggieville), i have been feeling very alone at the end of each day. not LONELY in the sense that i believe someone can fill this place, but on a solitary mission which can only be designed with my soul in mind, and surrendered to by me.

there is so much that's changing, as if with ivy's wean and summer solstice, the sky is opening up with possibility and transformation.

the photo makes me think of clint eastwood in the "man with no name" trilogy, and sort of captures what this past week has been like. the good, the bad and the ugly! well, just a little bit of ugly, retrieving messages from the oozing swamp hag :)

thank you all so very much for your love and comments as i fell down the hole again. though not frightening or dark feeling, it did cause me to leave my ordinary writings in the dust in favor of private time in my journal. it's been good to take in the air and re-ground. i think i'm ready to come back to the land of the living...

bless and so much gratitude...

Coyotes & New Work

I've been creating away here in my studio for the past month, preparing for my next adventure with Nahcotta and the Enormous Tiny Art Show. I really feel so grateful to continue to be in this show-so many great artists all in one room-heaven to stand among. ETA 3 will be held in Los Angeles, at the Living Room in Silverlake- and I'll put the flyer up here very soon for more details.

Some common threads run through this work. I'm always amazed to see the themes emerge up from my own subconscious. In the end, my head wraps around the messages, seeking ways to understand the applications in my own life, while preparing to let the medicine go out into the world to work its magic.

There are some new aspects about my work that is leaving me feeling a bit more raw, open and vulnerable and so these pieces are special to me. I feel as if I'm connecting more with the medicine of the creatures and their energies. This is a departure from some of the smaller drawings I've created for my paintings in the past. Now the subjects are right up front and center.  (And I actually feel more centered, too)

I've made two of the new pieces available as prints so far in the shop.

This animals in this series are all intriguing to me, friends I've been working with for years, however, I've never seen the connections they share. All are considered to be pests, all are extremely prolific (ie. not soon to be on any endangered species lists), and all are a call to look at my shadow aspects, and turn my perspective upside down to get a better view. I've so enjoyed working with these creatures.

Today, as I journeyed for the messages that accompany each of them, I felt seriously weepy about how much they have helped me on my path. Such strong medicine, from all of them.

I will leave you with an image, my favorite of the group. My inspiration is a Coyote called Clyde, who lives at our local native creature rehab center. He is very special, yet very old. He comes to the fenceline and stretches each time I visit him and we connect and I thank him for his messages. He has a lovely partner, Poppy, who nervously trots about in the pen and occasionally stops to kiss and harrass him (that's her in yesterday's post). But Clyde is at ease in his surroundings. He is the king of his makeshift den and he seems to know that he is getting up in years. 

 

Makes You Stronger, 2010. Mixed-media on 6x6 board.

Coyote travels the rough terrain, establishing territories everywhere. He learns his lessons the hard way, keeping a sense of humor about him as he goes. He turns rigid thinking upside down, preferring to keep it light, while adapting in order to survive. He is a humble teacher, a blissed out fool, an accidental genius. His song carries over mountaintops to find his kind. He is persistent, enduring and prolific. There is nothing he can't do, nowhere he won't go. He is fearless. Coyote outlasts bad weather, yipping contentedly through his long days and many journeys.

And here is a photo I snapped of handsome Clyde earlier this year:

I'm so grateful for this space to share my work, and my thoughts. I'm grateful for this life-in which we are all so blessed to be awake and connected to each other.

Aho, sisters.

Healing the Pack

Works in progress for upcoming secret group show!

As I sit to write this, I feel giant sighs coming up and moans wanting to emerge. I don't know where to begin my entry. Shall I tell you all about the misery/hopefulness of last week's four doctor visits? I think I shall spare you and just say that the kids and I are taking a course of antibiotics, Ivy is also on an oral steroid for the wheezing, I have severely sore ribs and chest from the strange, urgent coughing that is still persisting and I'm generally just waiting out the meds to see where to go next.

My challenge is that I always feel like I should be doing something. And if I don't take some kind of major action, my self-judgement comes on strong because...I should be able to control this and make everything better, right? Aren't I superwoman?

While I practice surrendering deeper still and trying to improve my outlook, I managed to come into my studio inspired to complete a project I began a couple of weeks ago. The terrible reality of being ill more often than not, is that I've had to brace myself to have to back out of commitments I made when I was well for those five minutes back in March. Disappointing someone is one of my least favorite things to do. But with some luck, it looks like I just may be able to pull off the next show.

Healing takes time and while I have really felt like curling up in a ball and giving the finger to everything that could possibly be responsible for us being in this state (including my own neglectful habits), I'm attempting to be still and allow myself to heal without too much emotional whipcracking.

I turned back to the stories that sustain me last night, and realized that sometimes I am dancing in Red Shoes, exhausting myself on all levels. The question of the year seems to be "For what am I exhausting myself?"

Tonite as I worked, I felt the warm, familiar sensation of my soul filling up. My hope is that I can ship these pieces at the end of the week. But if it turns out that I simply cannot, I will remember the sensation, and allow it to be enough.

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"[But] the wild nature teaches that we meet challenges as they occur. When wolves are badgered, they don't say, 'Oh no! Not again!' They bound, pounce, run, dive, scramble, play dead, go for the throat, whatever needs to be done. So we cannot be shocked that there is entropy, deterioration, hard times. Let us understand that the issues that entrap women's joy will always shift and shape-change, but in our own essential natures we find the absolute stamina, the necessary libido for all necessary acts of heart." p. 261 Identifying Leg Traps, WWRwtW.