Pink Coyote

Sacred Space. Whenever Possible. Repeat.

Gifts from Wendy & Satch

I've been taking some time to read again, which is something I can do between Lodges, and in Winter, where the season lends itself to snuggling down and reconnecting with the writings I love. The four of us were driving in the car on New Year's Day, a day on which I made choices to do little bits of all of the things I wanted to have more of throughout the year. Such as:

• Sleep nine hours
• Make amazing coffee
• Huge breakfast
• Green smoothie
• Read with kids
• Take a nap
• Connect with close friends
• Hike in the trees with family, explore and play
• Pulled cards
• Wrote a bit
• Took a bath
• Didn't freak out about anything

The idea was to create the blueprint for what every day life can sometimes look like by inviting all of those elements in to play on New Year's Day. Kind of a new ritual for me, but it was lovely, and I've found myself wanting to take the whole of January to set the tone for the year-which has got to be about filling up as much as I give out. Because it's not so much what we do, it's about how we feel- how we remember our days, right? If I was conscious of my choices, I usually have a more satisfied feeling at the end of the day. It was really about choosing energy.

Tonight, I lazily flipped open my copy of Medicine for the Earth, my favorite of all of Sandra Ingerman's books, and read this passage:

One of the missing pieces to all healing today is understanding the power of creating sacred space. Creating sacred space, as I refer to it here, means the vast energy created by people's individual energies joining together in a room. Today many people create sacred space by actually designing a room, an office, or a house in such a way that allows more energy, vitality, and soul to inhabit that space, but this is not what I am speaking of here.

Over my years of teaching I have noticed what happens when I create a strong container for thie group. Miracles! Why? Because everyone in the group can feel safe in opening up to the power of love. Here is a definition of power that I like to use in my work: Power is the ability to use energy.

When everyone in a room is focused on using their energy to support, love and heal others, that is exactly what occurs, and this is the energy that supports miracles.

In the practice of cross-cultural shamanic healing it is well known that the power of healing for an individual or for a piece of land is multiplied exponentially by the number of compassionate family, friends, and community members present at the healing. This occurs because the community present agrees to put their personality and egos aside, allowing for a greater spiritual energy to be called forth and gather the healing work.

Her work has had a tremendous effect on me since I was handed a copy of Soul Retrieval in 2000, but this book is the one I come back to again and again. It's messages are seared into me. It's affirmed all that I have learned to do instinctively, all that I have learned to do from others far wiser than myself, and helped me believe in the power of energy-negative and positive, and how we can raise it, quiet it, transform it, and make something beneficial and useful of it. I'm a Virgo, so I'm big on *usefulness*, as in "Thomas is a VERY useful engine!"

What I think we sometimes don't realize in our virtual society, is that energy is created behind the scenes, in everything we do. An online living room, such as this one, shows you what I think is worthy to share, but I also come here to flesh out my mistakes and show a bit of underbelly from time to time. What I have learned within six months of Lodge and hundreds of amazing women doing the soulwork with me, is that we all have the power to raise energy, to transmute the negative, to inch ever more slowly towards love, beginning with ourselves. We must begin to trust that if we can transmute what works against us inside of us, then it will show up that way outside of us.

I'm not talking about perfect behavior or not having human flaws, clearly that's not what this is all about-but, how to love ourselves through our humanness by allowing the Divine in to shine down a bit of wisdom now and again.

I took a journey to the Upper World last night to see what my protective energy field looked like-I'm always afraid that I will create a brick wall when I need protection- and that has not served me well at all. I will keep the medicine close to my heart, but I will say that it was a magnificent show of clarity and imperviousness, while allowing for a vast flow of love around, in, and out of me. I felt held by the Universe, in a safe and beautiful container which allows me to do all that I want to, with the boundaries in place, and what I have to give moving freely. It was a gift from Source that made me feel, for a snapshot, able to deal with the human foibles that I create by being me every day. Like spinning in circles at an onslaught of breakfast commands with no coffee, and yelling to regain control in the kitchen (I dislike that I yell at or near my children more than anything else). The vision held me throughout the day as the eruptions that take place around here bubbled and spat. I didn't cease to raise my voice, but I also didn't flog myself for it.

And this is why I thought it was interesting that I opened the book to page 99 tonight and read the above passage. Community energy + heart intention x balanced boundaries = Sacred space. Integrity. Hope. Healing. Vitality. Inside and out. Whenever possible. Repeat.

 

The Perfect Creative Model

 

Desert Bird of Paradise.

Something about native plants reminds me of the innate power of nature to inspire the creative process. Traveling each week to Ojai and seeing the difference in flora from here in the Central Valley wakes up my senses, which have become a bit numbed by ornamental garlic and parking lot maples. The sycamores even look different there, hearty and creekside, growing at sharp angles and adapting to the course of the wind. Years ago, I had the opportunity to work for, and study under, a California native plant expert, and it transformed my relationship to plants, medicinal and otherwise. I came to know them by their botanical names and still enjoy speaking them as if it's a language only some can understand. Though it sounds all scientific-hoity toity and probably annoys the heck out of anyone on a hike with me.

I fell in love with Indian Paintbrush, Mountain Mahogany, Queen Anne's Lace, Owl's Clover, Sticky Monkey Flower, Coyote Bush, Yerba Santa, yucca, manzanita, buckwheat, yarrow, rabbit brush, mountain sage, juniper, poppies, lupine and penstemon that I could call out to on my drive to and from my sacred home in the national forest. I would listen for the ones that were launching their seeds out onto the wind, the legumes pop!ping and seeming so active in their creative process.

Why does being out in nature connect us to our own creative process? Why was Henry Thoreau at his peak of sacred writing when he "went into the woods to be alone"? And Anne Morrow Lindbergh by the Sea? Nature + solitude seems to bring out the best in us when it comes to distilling our gifts down, allowing us to return proud of our efforts.

For me, sitting in the wind, seeing the magical diversity of every plant, (even the closely related ones), claiming their color and their scent, watching them propagate at their own feet, experiencing the abundance and tenacity of plants and trees to come back year after year through merciless rains, droughts, prunings, and even the dormant years when the conditions simply aren't right for them to appear...it all leaves me feeling as if my own creative offerings are as useful, as unique, and as prolific.

When you go out into the wild, what transpires? How do you experience the plants and trees, the stones and sky in a way that exalts your relationship to your medium? How do you approach the work after an inspiring day in your natural environment?

 

 

SouLodge Virtual Retreat is Live!

I'm so excited to announce the details of this online class! I'm over the moon to deepen my work with myself, with my community, and to midwife you through your explorations of the parts of yourself that want to come forward with courage and wildness.

is up HERE.

I want to invite you to step into the forest, into a safe lodge where you can experience a rite of passage, an honoring of the feminine process, a place where the Four-Leggeds and Winged Ones, the Plant People, and Stone People, are waiting to greet you and help you walk through to the next level of intuitive self-care.

Thank you to all who have encouraged me to do this, for asking for the teachings, and for opening your hearts to the deeper work. I am in pure gratitude for all of you.

 

VLOG Sacred Tools: Working with Crystals

At long last, and thank you for your patience! Now that I have the kinks worked out, we can start talking e-course. Yipppeeeee! Awrooooooooooooooooooo!

 

 

The crystals featured in the video are a selenite wand, a chunk of raw rose quartz, and an amethyst formation from inside of a geode.

The Owl wing is from a Barn Owl, which I use in intuitive work because of Owl's ability to cross easily from one realm to the other, and because she brings magic and femininity to all that she touches.

I read from Sandra Ingerman's book, Medicine From the Earth.

 

Thank you all again for your love, patience, and curiosity for the Earth and her magical ways. Bless...

 

It Takes Instagram. I Mean a Village!

I came down with some kind of wicked tummy bug last weekend and it just about ruined a perfectly good week. An appointment with my acupuncturist determined that I must take copious amounts of "cleansing" herbal tea pills. The drama and pain was soon over and I felt much better in no time.

Still, I had to cancel a date on Friday with a friend, which we made up for with a two-hour phone call full of all kinds of catching up and also, Big Plans. Then, I consoled myself further by purchasing iPhones for Brandon and I, and got immediately sucked into the drug-like, cosmic vortex known as Instagram. Before I get caught up in singing it's praises, I want to make sure you know how to find me: pixiecampbell. I know that many of you do not do Instagram, so here are some of my weekend captures:

  Unsuspecting victims of my new toy.

It's an addiction, really, and it came at the perfect time, when I suddenly needed yet another distraction.

However, the really big news is not that I've come late to the iPhone party. The really spectacular news that I've been holding on to for weeks is that we are making a gentle transition out of California's Central Valley. And down and over to California's Central Coast.

It's a dream come true for us.

And we thought we already lived where the food comes from.

We'll be moving over the course of the year, with Brandon heading down first to begin working in his new position, and the children and I will follow no later than year's end. I have a project I have to finish up here, so we'll be visiting him mid-week for a few days and he'll be back on the weekends. It sounds crazy, but this is the kind of thing we're apt to do when we're co-creating magic with the universe. Now I have to tell you about magical Ojai.

Ojai is a lovely little art town nestled in the Ojai Valley, surrounded by the Los Padres National Forest, about twenty minutes from the seaside, and 40 minutes south of Santa Barbara. It was a very easy YES for us. An opportunity for Brandon presented itself and we've been trying on all of the possibilities and proceeding thoughtfully, knowing full well that if we could make it work, we would. We've loved our visits there and it's been on our dream list for ages.

The residents have fruit trees and magnificent gardens all over their yards, and local food is served in many of the restaurants, and sold in the beautiful marketplaces.

Ojai is one of those little villages that's very community-rooted, nature-absorbed, active, and peaceful. It has a lovely consciousness about it, with art and music at every turn, great schools for Miles and Ivy, and room for us to expand our hearts and our visions. Plus it's laid back, lush, and freaking BEAUTIFUL.

It's funny, we moved to Bakersfield over four years ago with every intention of leaving as soon as possible. Only in the last year or so, have I had to cut my hometown some slack. Things have been working very well here for us. Being here has given me an opportunity to experience many much-needed healings with my parents, and I knew when I came here my feet would be to the fire about that. But as I've softened and opened, so have they, and the work I came here to do with them has reached completion for now.

This home has been a safehaven. This crazy valley has unexpectedly been a place of healing, renewal, courage, possibility. My parents have given us so much support, helping us to create a home for our children and build something lovely for our family.

And the Universe! Something I learn time and again is that I suffer when I want something before it's time. This has been another teaching in surrender, loving what is in front of me, and doing the work I am meant to do. I am learning deeply, on so many levels, what it means to trust that all change comes just at the right time. That there is no need to push the Earth through her orbit by obsessing. That the wheel is turning all by itself. It's also a lesson in naming what I want in detail, and then stepping back, letting go, and confidently honoring my deepest human intent while it unfolds in right time. That's my job, and it's all I can do.

I love this world. I love this experience of being alive. Not because I am lucky or things are going our way, but because it teaches me. It teaches me to trust.

 

 

Beautiful Fuel: SAW Part 2

Deep breath. Tea and snack at my side. Many thoughts surfacing about how I can communicate the essence of my experience with you. I'm going to go slowly, okay? I really want to tell you so much...

Attending any retreat is risky. It asks us to stretch ourselves a little, gently, and it also brings up anxiety around our expectations. How will we be perceived? Will we be able to do what we set out to? What in the wild world will blindside us on our journeys there, such as flat tires, car rental snafus, getting lost, forgetting important items, separation anxiety? Just the beginning. How will we grow in our strength and confidence as we take these risks? How will we disappoint ourselves or let ourselves off the hook?

I've attended Squam Art Workshops two times before, once offsite with my family, and in 2009 onsite with my family. Both times, it was as a student. This was my first time alone, and...I was teaching. The week prior I was riddled with anxiety, but as soon as I pulled up through the "tunnel of trees", (as Miles referred to it when he was just about to be three), I felt the cramp and then the release that comes with initiation. I cried as I drove and it was cleansing. By the time I arrived on the land, that sacred land (!) I was fresh and ready to share my gifts, the very best of what I had to share right then.

I presented the idea that our Muse dwells deep within us and that we have to clear the way to access her reserves that eagerly await us, especially so if we don't already have a practice of doing this. One of my students emailed to say this:

I so enjoyed your mask class, that I was wishing I'd taken your medicine shawl class on the last morning.  I was intrigued to hear just a little bit about your Native American beliefs and culture, I'd like to learn more, such a different way of thinking and regarding our earth, our souls, our journey.  The best part of the class for me was the beginning time when we were sitting by the fire, you were "talking us out of our left brains", and into our right brains, talking about our animals, our energy centers - a real mental transformation, especially for someone like me who doesn't typically "color outside the lines"!  I think a little bit of magic was happening! -Karen

I felt an immediate sense of the women who blessed me with their trust as they showed up so open and ready to dig into their creativity in a way that they hadn't yet before. I don't quite know how to tell you what it was like to be in a rustic room, fire roaring, wind howling through the cracks of our workshop doors, and be surrounded by such divine willingness to risk comfort and limits in order to push into that fertile den of our spirits. While I want to be accountable for the space I held and the content I created, I want to assure you that something else was at work. It's my belief that something else always is at work.

Beverly followed her Muse into our kitchen where she wet felted watery, elemental colors of wool roving using a piece of found plastic netting and dishsoap.

The work with the mask was not about creating an alternate persona to hide behind, but a way to give "face" to the parts of us that reside in our spirits. I discovered somewhere along this road that our souls have work to do, lessons to learn, ancient history to overcome. I have come to love this messy, human soul-work. Souls are full of purpose and drive, sometimes with a blend of fear or courage. But our spirits are where we know from.

The best way I can think to describe it is to tell you about a vision I had while I was flying back home: If it's true that we are born in the very beginning as pure light, from the chaos of creative energy, then it makes perfect sense that our life's work, our soul work will begin to unfold the moment we interact with the world and the egos that surround us, including our own. But then, events occur that bring us back in touch with the light.

As the second half of my own life begins, I find that I want more access to that light. I found that the women in my classes had been through a lot. They shared. Some of us even wept. No matter what their ages, I heard again and again that they wanted access to, and were returning to that light for fuel, for confidence, for sanctuary, for messages about how to proceed. I imagine it like a well, and as we get older, we realize that it's always been there for us, from the very beginning, only now, we can get to it and draw up nourishment and luminous expression from it.

Tifanie topstitches and embroiders by the fire.

I'm still integrating many of the gifts that presented at this workshop. (One of which was a hearty donation of sewing machines from Singer, which made it possible for us to have an abundance of tools onhand to create with.)

I still have much more to share. This is a bit of a show and tell of what came up for me as I was entering this new realm of imparting what I know. It's a start.

I'm still getting grounded from the experience, but I feel safe here saying that it was very powerful. Sometimes, at large retreats I can sense a hiding out, and a protection among participants, but this was not my experience at all. And I heard similar murmurings all over camp during my time there.

The vastness of the heart-openings I witnessed infused me with a mysterious and profound trust in the feminine process, something I'd imagined could not expand any more. As I watched the hands of these wild women shapeshift into the hands of their grandmothers and ancestors, fueled by something greater than we could have foreseen, I became filled with a kind of security in our abilities to grow and expand in ceremony, in circle, and in creativity...together.

Terra Incognita

Seems I've been a pioneer since the day I was born. One of my grandparents' teachings, by way of their legacy of migrant farmworking, is learning to trust the unknown. The thought of it makes so many of us shrink back. An old medieval cartography term used was HIC SVNT DRACONES, or "Here be dragons".

The worst of the beasts, of course, are found in my mind, and so creating a habit of dismissing them to pasture seems to help me put one brave foot in front of the other.

I feel surrounded by heart-expansionists everywhere; how can anyone feel alone with this sense of collective courage? Now that so much of the outer world has been discovered, claimed...flagged, the next level is goldmining that fourth chakra. Testing it's colors.

Violet Flame, by Laurie of primalpainter.

I sat down to write about expansionism, about growing my vision as an artist, taking on homeschooling, moving into a studio space downtown...I generally come here to share what's going on in my head and heart, but I think what wants to be shared is simply the potential for the human heart to grow.

I wrote last about squeezing through the eye of a needle, and let me tell you, I did not see that coming. I'd put some layers of protection around my heart over the years regarding a very tender matter and I really never saw it coming off. I didn't see it needing to come off. I envisioned moving forward, but with these petals wrapped securely around. Some of the feelings were of disappointment, fierce independence, heartache, closed doors, lack of connection, soul loss, impossibility, doneness, fear, (I'm getting all weepy as I go through them) guardedness. I had not been specific about what I wanted for many years, and the universe and I were experiencing some static in our transmissions to each other. I'd sacrificed something I hadn't intended to by not being clear, and my heart showed me that it was hurting because of it. Hearts tell us everything we need to know, of course, but they can be so softspoken, lost among the brain's loud directives, in my case.

I'm still in a sort of shock about how the wind suddenly changed direction as soon as I named what I wanted out loud. All I'd been clutching had to burn to the ground right in front of me. That catalog of grievances had become part of me, comfortable, familiar. I unconsciously didn't want to release them, because they would take my protection with them when they left. But I wasn't meant to walk through life armored, even in rose petals or a really awesome poncho. I believe I am meant to risk more and that requires naked vulnerability. Each day I practice, I become a bigger fan of it. I do feel raw, and I do have to assess whether to put on a very temporary cloak in order to pass through a doorway, but it's as if I've already decided to immediately remove it once I'm through. Is this making any sense or am I just being too damn cryptic?

Walking into and through the unknown is a very personal and private frontierism. Dragons, lions...they are all still here breathing hotly at me. I am not fearless. What I want to say is that I am going forward in my life with a host of wonderful things-amazing creations and new space that I can't wait to share with you.

But what is flowing out today from my bubbling stream of consciousness is the message that will perhaps be woven into a more colorful story someday, one of dropping all that covers my heart in order to be green. Willingly ignorant.

Blissfully foolish.

Wild.

 

 

Turn to the Harp

There was a time when I was all about doing it right. When I had no other tools other than thinking it through, writing it down, hashing it out, forming opinions, making a decision and going for, or against it.

Again with this turning forty business- is it just me? Or is there a whole life that exists between the lines of logic?

photo by Terri Fischer.

Outside of helping my business test it's wings, paying the DMV their dues, and occasionally checking on my children's hygeine, I find myself hanging onto reason by a neglected thread. Books with decidedly un-western tales of where the divine feminine is hiding seek me out, and it is into these realms that I sail, diving deeper than ever into the place where there is no push, and even fewer answers.

When one side of human nature grows out of balance with the other, it becomes a tyranny on the soul. That is the tyrant Duke Morgan. It drives its complimentary opposite into the unconscious. That is Blanchefleur. But the unconscious will not tolerate this kind of imbalance; we have already learned that the greatest force in the psychic universe is the demand for completion, for wholeness, for balance. The feminine will return. Across the seas, Iseult is waiting. And when Iseult comes, the self-satisfied patriarchal world will never be the same.   --WE, Robert Johnson.

I read a thread of opinions recently that brought into sharp focus how removed I'm becoming from...well, strong opinions! As odd as that may sound. I did not even know how to respond or chime in. I think I would have had plenty to say about a subject like this a few years ago, but I checked in with myself and came up with...yep, nothing.

I'm not trying to come up with nothing. I'm really not. I see myself as having been overidentified with my own inner masculine (animus) for so long, that though I'm not trying to reject this part of myself- but rather bring it into balance with my healthy feminine aspects- at this point in time I have very little use for it. Perhaps because I'm gestating a big project? Maybe. It's quite like being pregnant again and reminds me of how ambivalent I've felt, even at election times-which used to get a hot rise out of me before I had children.

When we moved to the Central Valley of California four years ago, I was full of fear. It was all my rednecked, oil-field laden, pesticided, anti-creative, dustbowl nightmares come true. But something strange has happened, as I've come to realize that where I live is more like the rest of the world than the hidden hippie mountain communities I wish I lived in. What I think I'm learning is that the world needs the kind of healing that isn't happening through politics or lobbying. What I'm learning is that I'm surrounded by people who WANT to heal and who ARE healing, despite appearances that have long left me feeling suspiciously otherwise. Perhaps this is why I don't have many opinions anymore. Basically, I've learned that I don't know shit. *Logically* know.

On another level completely, the deepest recesses of Self that we can touch inside of us, a marriage is trying to take place. The lost and knowing feminine is calling up, and she is dark, mysterious, silent, and ocean wave-like. She is transmuting poison, transforming shadows, applying the salves of the ancients, reminding us that to begin in our own injured hearts is to allow the medicine to trickle out effortlessly. It requires a kind of trust that has, in the past, made me very uncomfortable, because I am a big ole control freak. I've had trouble having faith that I'm protected from within. But I think I'm getting it now. The control freak seems to be a one dimensional warrior who misses his queen and is drenched in longing for her to rejoin him. She is Deep Trust, and she is Unwavering Faith, and she has been all but missing for the first half of my life.

No wonder I'm so eager to embrace her.

Each of us needs the sword power. There are times when we need to be logical and analytical. At times, we must be assertive and strong. But there are also times when neither logic nor force will avail; then we need to turn to the harp.  --WE, Robert Johnson.

 

photo by Stacy de la Rosa.

Beltane Getaway and Interview with Stephanie Ladd

I'm off again to the central coastlands of my native California, this time as a magical group of eight to celebrate the season of Beltane, which begins May 1st and marks the mid-point between Spring and Summer. Light your own mighty fire for fertile prosperity and I'll tell you all about my adventure when I return.

The Goddess Maia, Queen of May.

I've interviewed someone precious to me to hold you over until I come skipping down the lane, flower garlands and maypole streamers clinging to my gown. I digress.

What I love most about Stevie Ladd, of Owl and Crow, is that she has fearlessly created something she'd always had in her. Her book, In the Lap of the Goddess: Connecting with the Divine Feminine, contains the meaty questions we've all been faced with-the ones that seem to come up again and again, but she takes you down into the deeper levels for new insights. I'm so proud to share her with you.

Enjoy!

 

What inspired you to create your SoulWork book, In the Lap of the Goddess: Connecting with the Divine Feminine?

Since I moved from California to North Carolina almost 3 years ago, I was determined to find a more creative way to do my work as a psychotherapist. I wanted to open up more as a writer and artist and find a way to bridge the two.

Both you and Leonie Allen have inspired me in the way you have built a strong following through your blogs and have created your art and other products that are so tied into who you are and your evolutionary process. It's so fun to watch and be a part of. I ordered Leonie's Creating My Goddess Year e-book and got inspired to write my own e-book about my favorite subject from an archetypal psychology point of view.

So I designed this book to be interactive, to help women plumb their own depths and find their way into the lap of the goddess by doing soul work.

Can you tell me more about what you mean by soul work?

I mean the deep questioning and exploration of our psyches, our purpose, life's meaning, our past, present and future. Ultimately, it is the work of connecting to our Self, with a capital S. And our higher Self is but a reflection of the divine feminine--the goddess of your choosing, or the goddess that chooses you.

I love the idea that a goddess figure would choose me to work with her. Which one called to you first as you went about beginning this book?

Well, when I got to North Carolina, I kept meeting Yemaya. Rob (my husband) had brought back a handmade Yemaya doll from New Orleans about 10 years ago and she had been packed away for a long time. I put her on my altar in my studio in North Carolina, surrounded by shells and other things I found at the ocean.

Yemaya is a mermaid and I kept being drawn to mermaids. At the same time, I was feeling this oceanic, watery energy calling me to create and flow. I made several dolls, SoulCollage® cards, and a shadow box, all with mermaids. I started looking into Yemaya's qualities and realized she was a Creator archetype and that's what was being activated in me. I started this book with her guiding me, acting as a muse. I feel I have gotten to know her quite well and have a relationship with her that helps me feel guided and protected.

What other goddesses make appearances in the book, and what drew you to them or them to you?

Kali was actually the first goddess I did a chapter on because I needed to clear out some old garbage before I could move forward with Yemaya and the book I had started. I had gotten stuck and needed help.

Remember how our teacher, Irene, used to say that when she created her retreats, whatever theme she chose she had to go through it herself, as she was preparing to teach it? That's what happened with me. I had to face some old creative blocks, so I worked with Kali, the Destroyer goddess, and she helped me burn up these fears and let go of some old ways of seeing myself and my work.

I've been exploring the Triple Goddess since I got here, too. I chose the Greek triple goddess represented by Persephone, the Maiden, Demeter, the Mother, and Hecate, the Crone because I love their story. The maiden and mother have been strong with me as I have watched Chloe (my daughter) transform from a 12-year-old girl when we first moved here, to a young woman of 15. There's been a little grieving involved with that, and I've revisited and healed some more of my own relationship with my mother in the process.

And then I've got one foot in the Mother and one foot in the Crone since I had Chloe late in my childbearing years. So Hecate has helped me own the wild woman and the wise woman. I love her magical, witchy, medial nature. She is truly the dragoman of the Soul.

What do you hope women will come away with by doing the exercises in your workbook?

I hope they will have an experience of how the goddess lives within them. I offer suggestions for rituals, totems, and altars so they can work with the goddess not only internally, but externally. It's important to create and surround yourself with likenesses of her when you work with goddess energy to make it a richer, deeper experience.

I've used a lot of pictures in the book because images are the language of the soul. Metaphor and archetypes allow us direct access to the soul as well. So I'm hoping women will have fun exploring some themes of feminine psychology through the goddesses presented in these pages. It's really a stepping stone, a way in. They can then take the relationships they develop as far as they want. I hope to expand on these goddesses more over time.

Who is likely to get the most out of your book? What does this reader look like? If I may be so bold to ask.

I think fearless women who like to journal and create will especially enjoy getting to know themselves better through these goddesses, and those who want to discover or explore their inner yearnings and their own divinity.

I'm starting to feel like Oprah here. How do we get the workbook? Because I want it now. It's Kali the Destroyer my inner wild woman needs to hang with. I've already been chosen! I know my wild self is tied to experiencing Kali as a creative-destructive-creative superhero, embodying the Life-Death-Life cycle I write about so much here.

It's available for download as a PDF on my blog, on the order page for In the Lap of the Goddess. You can buy single chapters, or the whole book to download and print.

I'll have copies ready to mail by May 20, and accepting preorders now, but if you order it before then, it's $22 instead of $24.

And there are 3 free audio versions of the guided journeys in the book that anyone can download and listen to available on my blog.

Ooh, I'm exploring your order page now-well done. Easy. I love it. I'm so excited about this book, and I'm loving that you're offering it as a PDF. All I need is more paper around here. Thank you for doing that-being as green as can be. I may want to print some of the goddesses images and hang them about, however. What else can you share with us?

I would love to know how women use the book, and what they get out of it, so feedback is welcome.

And thank you, my dear friend, for featuring me on Pink Coyote and sharing my book with your wonderful circle of wild, creative and fearless women.

Yip! Awroooooo!

Stephanie Anderson Ladd is a Marriage and Family Therapist, SoulCollage® Facilitator, and an amazing, awakened wild woman living her creative life in Chapel Hill, NC. I call her Stevie, as all of her sisters do. All I needed to know about trust, relationship and communication began with our longs talks and mountain walks, during what seems like a lifetime ago. Everyone needs a Stevie. I know I do. I hope you'll be as inspired by her work and stories as I am.

Ode to Hafiz by Christine Mason Miller

This was made when Christine and I were in Big Sur in January. I love the beautiful art she created from our time spent. Music is Andvari by Sigur Ros and poetry belongs to Hafiz.

Medicine Bundle Bender

I made a record number of bundles for the shop this weekend, because they seem to go so fast, and it requires a lot of set up just to make a few.  It was a bit crazy in this studio with so many creatures running wild at once. My hope is that you'll find what you're looking for in and amongst the herd. There are only a couple of them that didn't make it into this batch.

I'm also making lots of custom bundles behind the scenes, and it is keeping me as busy as a springtime Bee. I can't yet explain how fulfilling it is to work with some of you personally. As you entrust me to discover combinations of allies to help bring in the energies and changes you're seeking, I can't help but feel totally overwhelmed with gratitude for what I do.

Sending out a grateful hug to the world today. You are beautiful as you journey this winding road, gathering your tools, opening up to your deeper Self.

Spiral Slide

When I arrived at a recent destination, I relished the serendipity of what this point in my life feels like most often. I'd previously thought fifty was midlife, but now I realize that the center of the see-saw where I currently sit is the midpoint for me. It represents the apex of my lifetime of experiences thus far. While I hope to live far longer than eighty years old, there is something about the completion of fours that has me swirling into fives and landing smack in the center.

Five is the symbol of humans and of our sensory life. It often represents the opportunity to change direction. As a midpoint, it can denote mediation and adaptation. Fives can also signal a time of testing, and the presence of an inner struggle that will soon require a decision. They can encourage us to direct our sensory input and feelings into actual creative projects, or suggest that we regard our lives or activities from a more positive, satisfying perspective. Will we take advantage of the opportunity or continue to define reality in the same way as before? -Spiritual Tarot

Symbols of the crossroads are popping up all around me, to the point at which I just smile at each one. What else can I do but acknowledge that it feels as though I'm in the middle of a physics experiment?

I am most certainly feeling tested, in all areas of my life. I am absolutely struggling against tides that would pull me out of my ground and into the deep blue. I experience the full range of confounded to enlightened so many times in a day, that I often feel like I'm on a pre-menopausal ferris wheel at a carnival in the Bermuda Triangle.

I stopped at my favorite spot on the *central* coast on my way home to wander the shores, where at last visit, Ivy was soon to be born, as my belly was peaking at full moon.

The treasure that found me, like so many from the sea, spoke of the neverending cycle with no beginning and no end.  It showed me that the midpoint is really not a quantifiable place on a line, but a fleeting moment of joy on a spiral slide to be discovered over and over. It reminded me, in it's luminescense, of the color and light to be found all along the way from here to there and back again.

Hands in the air, I am determined to make the most of this ride.

Black Dog

Hey hey mama said the way you move, gon' make you sweat, gon make you groove...

Meet Morgan. Oh, where do I begin to tell you about my Morgan? How far do I back up into the story that began with a very special girly who is no longer with us?

I know- I first have to tell you about the mark Blue left on me. She was a goofy broad, by all accounts. Her musty, riverwater breath and ginormous, gum-revealing smile, and wild, laughing eyes brought Hank and I to life with her antics, in my lavender colored office where I ran a fledgling sleepwear company on Rowena Ave. It was 1999, in Los Feliz, CA, nestled under the Hollywood Hills, where I grew my first personal appreciation for the alpha female  personality.

Flash forward to November 2009, and we put our ten year old girly down with cancer. In the most ceremonial and sweet way that we could create, we offered her back to the earth, filled with gratitude for the gifts she'd shared with us. We would never be the same because of one meeting in the park, in the right place, at the right time. She had at least several lives, because even a rattlesnake bite to the nose didn't take her from us in '04. She was a tough bitch, and the most deeply loving one you could ever snuggle up to.

I've been searching the face of every damn stray dog within a hundred mile radius for months looking for her reincarnation. I've been dreaming of her and combing the ads of rescues prepared to travel to find the perfect blend of goofy and instinctually protective, arrogant and humorous.

Enter Morgie Lee. Morgie has big paws to fill, doesn't she?

When I drove home from circle just over a week ago, when the white light of illumination about a difficult subject came pouring into my car windows, the last thing on my mind was Dog. I was surfing the rapture of enlightenment, a much welcomed moment after a particularly transformative, yet illusory week month year. So imagine that I'm talking out loud to myself, and shouting "Of course!" and "Well, duh!" and "Oh my goddess, I'm so grateful for this piece, oh yes, thank you", as I approach the unspectacular dirt road that Ts into my own.

She raised her head up off of her paws to look at me. I pulled into the turn, pressed into the brake, put the passenger window down. "Are you the one?" and our first conversation took place. I got out of the car, walked around to her, she wagged her squiggly butt over and as I squatted down to extend my hand, she bypassed it and put her big, dark nose square into my heart and pushed.

I couldn't even cry at the thought that this was how Blue used to hug me. Her famous Dog Hug. I only laughed because I knew she was meant to be.

Up into the car where she found the ultimate treasure of a few discarded peanut butter pretzels, she made a round ball with her body and stayed low until we got out.

At home.

She's sassy and bossy and has a sly poker face. She hordes toys in her bed, hogs the food, howls when I leave, and chews through electrical cords. She's goofy and loving and gives a soft kiss like she means it. She is grateful. She is a spark of a moment of contrast between the immense light washing over me and her pitch, shadow-black fur.

She's a manifestation of patience, trust and the release of something old from my soul that had been looking for a way out and up, so that something else...something wonderful could come in.

 

 

 

New Year Tarot Spread

Please forgive me for forgetting where this was procured from last year. I did an internet search for New Year Tarot Spread after speaking with my friend Stevie of Owl and Crow about how much she was loving her reading. I did it on New Year's Eve and I have absolutely milked that reading ever single month of this year. It's really helped me with so much, particularly facing fears and staying open. I love the way the reading colored my experiences and guided me through the roughest moments. I started a fresh journal with a card for each page of each of the full moons (instead of the first of the month) and that made it easy to flip back to throughout the year.

I wanted to share it with you, in the event that you may be looking for some new year inspiration. I use a traditional Rider-Waite deck, but any deck will do, and it helps if the images really speak to you. As always, The Spiritual Tarot is my bible for interpreting the Tarot, if you need an awesome helper with a Jungian twist. I'd love to hear what your first card is-last year mine was the Wheel of Fortune, which kicked 2010 off with a surge of creative confidence. I'll be pulling my cards late tonight after an early party.

So here it is, and I send up gratitude for the source, which I cannot recall, but am eternally thankful for. Happy New Year, Healers, Seekers and Storykeepers!

Tarot Spreads for the New Year

**Each New Year provides us the ability to start anew, set goals and with any luck have a better, happier and more prosperous year than the last. However, the previous year may have been filled with challenges, obstacles and changes that have taken the zest out of life leaving some filled with apprehension as to what to expect in the coming New Year.

One way of getting a glimpse into what the New Year has in store for us is through utilizing the Tarot. There are various spreads available specifically geared towards the New Year. One of the most common is called The Zodiac Spread which provides a couple different options to obtain a yearly based reading. The typical Zodiac Spread is similar to the Keltic Cross. This spread looks at different aspects and areas of your life.

To do this spread, pull 13 cards placing them in a circle with the final card being the overall outcome or summary. The cards in each position are as follows:

1. deals with self expression, identity and how you see yourself.
2. represents tangible assets, personal income and earning capacity.
3. governs intellect and communication, family and relatives.
4. rules your home, property and the environment you find yourself in.
5. associated with pleasurable pursuits, romance and fortunate speculative ventures.
6. pertains to your job, working conditions, relationship with co-workers and circumstances regarding your health.
7. refers to partnerships, agreements, business relationships and close personal relationships including marriage and divorce.
8. governs death, rebirth, legacies, inheritances and new beginnings.
9. governs spiritual guidance and self awareness, travel, and often times denotes the best course of action for you to take.
10. describes your goals, ambitions, achievements, desires and success.
11. associated with friendships and affiliations that help to advance your personal goals.
12. denotes anxiety and hidden influences that can cause limitations and unnecessary suffering.
13. final outcome.

Another method of The Zodiac Spread is the month-by-month spread in which you pull 13 cards one representing each month of a the year and the final card indicates the overall general atmosphere you are likely to experience over the coming year according to the influences and elements present at the time of the reading.

Months that have a Major Arcana card land in that position will signify an important month. Any Aces that appear indicate a chance for new beginnings or a fresh start so pay particular attention to those cards and influences.

These are only a few examples but they are quite effective and informative in providing valuable insight into the New Year. And remember this is only an glimpse of possibilities as nothing is set in stone. Should you encounter a card that doesn't really provide clear insight, feel free to use clarification cards to assist the process.

To Your Divinatory Success! **

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

Blizzard

 

 

BLeSS tHe uNbeLieVaBLe mEsSeNGer*

Can you even digest in one reading how profound he was? I never can. Whenever I'm feeling lost, confused, alone or down, I turn to him. And he rescues me from my own distorted thinking. Do you think he knew that his words would reach so far into the future's hearts?

 

WHERE EVERYTHING IS MUSIC

 

Don't worry about saving these songs!

And if one of our instruments breaks,

it doesn't matter.

 

We have fallen into the place

where everything is music.

 

The strumming and the flute notes

rise into the atmostphere,

and even if the whole world's harp

should burn up, there will still be

hidden instruments playing.

 

So the candle flickers and goes out.

We have a piece of flint, and a spark.

 

This singing art is sea foam.

The graceful movements come from a pearl

somewhere on the ocean floor.

 

Poems reach up like spindrift and the edge

of driftwood along the beach, wanting!

 

They derive

from a slow and powerful root

that we can't see.

 

Stop the words now.

Open the window in the center of your chest,

and let the spirits fly in and out.

 

-rumi

 

photo by denise andrade

 

 

(I am opening the window in the center of my chest...to let the spirits fly in and out. I'll tell you how that goes.)

 

photo by denise andrade

What Happens Next

Straight ahead

On a crooked path

Which rises and falls unexpectedly

Promising no guarantees of up

Or down or when

How

Grey paint is on the board

Lines and scratches and

Paper towel marks have appeared

And smudges of teal and green-gold

Coloring instead of talking it out

They want to be born

The children are fed

Tapping, strumming and shaking

Booties to morning music

I don't know a thing

About what happens next.

Surrender

I get asked a lot about what this tattoo is a symbol of. Love? Harmony? Trust?

It's sort of all of those things, but I never find it simple to explain.

In 1998 I walked into the local Vermont Ave. tattoo joint with a copy of the Tao Te Ching in my hand and pointed to the symbol. I sat for about forty-five minutes while the artist inked and scratched the moving shapes into my left deltoid. This was a bold move for me, a tattoo on my arm; I'd hid the others below the waistline: the wolf's paw print in 1990 and the Warrior's spear in 1994. Earlier messages to my then self from my further-along self that I am still learning about. Funny how we reach back and teach ourselves from the future, isn't it?

The direct translation of Tao means, literally, the way.

Like so many things I've done, I have no real clue why I'm doing them until it manifests years later. I only know in the moment that it will be significant, though I can't say precisely why or how. Releasing and surrender have been big for me for a very long time, but I'd say that this year has been the token year of letting go. Letting it all go...

This piece, from the essay Surrender Into Mothering, by Chris Pritchard, says much of it for me:

What I know now about parenting is to "surrender." I've learned how childbirth brings with it self-discovery, self-healing, and adaptation to the new selves we become every single day of our lives. No one ever told me that, as an adult, I would keep on changing. I would have to move and flow with changes in myself, as well as all around me, for the rest of my life. No one ever explained that this process never ends, that it is infinite. Learning to surrender means learning to go with change. And change requires surrender.

From the first days of pregnancy, when the beautiful creature inside your body begins to puff out your belly and your breasts, makes you nauseated and tired, makes you have emotional depths and heights, radically affects your relationship with everyone around you, you are asked by this tiny new life to adapt to all these changes, If you resist you will suffer. You must give in. You do let go. You shed your old self. Perhaps pregnancy, more than any other period in a woman's life, enables her to understand the complexity of this requirement in life--to change and to adapt.

Pregnancy enables us to open a multitude of doorways--into ourselves, into our ancestral past, and into our future. Sometimes walking through these doorways can give us insights that can shift old patterns on this planet. The gift of childbirth challenges us to take nothing for granted, and to flow and to move like a great ocean, around any rocky obstacle.

 

I begin my fortieth year wiring in Coyote's way- to enjoy having without possessing, to revel in loving without boundaries, to delight in surrendering my defenses, to laugh when I might reflexively admonish myself, to freely release all that I create, to dance around the fire which burns up the old, to drink in breath without fear, to trust it all and take nothing for granted. To do less, to want less, to need less. To practice it over and over again.

To yield.

Whatever is soft and yielding

is a disciple of life.

The hard and stiff will be broken.

The soft and supple will prevail.

-Tao Te Ching

Lightbringers

I'm still having an inside laugh that this beautiful creature showed up when it did, and was pointed out to me by my friend with whom I'd just been having a conversation about drawing more light to us and having more to shine out. In other words, shedding some of the bullshit that crops up in thinking and relationships that have lived themselves out in order to welcome in new energy.

Here is my take on what Ted Andrews has to say about this magical fairy being:

Dragonfly's bright colors take time to develop, reflecting that with maturity our own true colors come forth. They inhabit water and air, and undergo metamorphosis when they change from nymph to fly. As they gain their big-girl wings (totally not Ted's words) they learn to balance passion and emotions with greater mental clarity and control. Because this transformation takes two years, Dragonfly may be showing up to indicate a two-year period of growth and full color emergence. Summer is the realm of light and Dragonfly thrives in the warmth and light of the sun. Being near sun and fresh water restores health, while the power of light infuses it with magic.

"Dragonflies remind us that we are light and can reflect the light in powerful ways if we choose to do so. Dragonfly can help you to see through your illusions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of colorful new vision."

I can't think of a better reading from Spirit and mama Nature than what our flaming friend brought, as we stood among the ancients in Maezen's garden.

It seems like there are such promising little scents on the wind for the rest of the year and the coming one, too. I feel more inspired than ever to allow the changes that are wanting to come in. I feel fearless about it, in fact. Many of the changes I thought would happen this year are not going to be. But others jumped up into my frame of vision, convincing me that there is so much that the unknown can show us when we are open.

If you are a woman with wild and colorful inclinations, this is the time for you to howl your voice and hear your pack. Summer's light and long days are ripe with possibility for you to find others like you, and bond and spread your magical light. All illusion can fall away, and you can feel safe just being you.

Full Moon & Hanged Men

This morning I received an email from a healing center about a class on depossession and clearing that really caught my attention. The reason for this is because I have been feeling for the past couple of days as if I've been thrown into an unknown, unstable waiting room. Something from my past, or something *hanging around* in my unconscious that isn't ready to let go yet?

It's a bit haunting, actually. It feels strongly of transition, more than fear. The moon is turning full tonite and according to my new year card layout (a card for every full moon during the year and then one overall card) I am entering the domain of the Hanged Man. This indicates a time to turn everything upside down and look at it that way. Except that I pulled it in reverse! Where in the heck does that leave me?

I'm assuming it means that I resist changing my perspective and seeing things differently. So I'm setting up to practice that. The whole idea has an Alice in Wonderland feel to it, so I'm going to try to have fun down this rabbit hole. Perhaps I'll have a tea party!

Last night I dreamed of a black car that wouldn't go anywhere, I couldn't get it fixed. Miles and Brandon even drove it (oddly enough, they could drive it) all the way to Orange County, but they arrived at 6pm (?) just after the mechanic had closed shop.

Suspended in timelessness, like the Hanged man, I feel little desire to do, or go, which is indicated in my dream, I think. Nothing seems literal at the moment. And it's lovely to sit in possibility, feelings, subtleties without feeling a need to act or take notions seriously. What a strange land!

I have crazy butterflies in my stomach. Perhaps the bright, full moon will throw my switch and illuminate my darkish inner sky and let me in on what's going on. I feel odd, as if I'm waiting for something. Anticipation is jumping around in my cells.

As I'm indulging in self-reflection this holiday weekend, tell me. How will you spend your precious life moments?

"Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't." --Alice via Lewis Carroll.

Medicine Wheel

 

While Miles and I played hooky from preschool on Friday, we made our way outdoors to the big basket of rocks that has been awaiting the perfect time for us to create our Medicine Wheel. We've been collecting rocks for years to be used in this project, picking up some at the beach and some in the mountains.

The rocks displayed at each of the four directions are of a specific color and I was picky about making sure these four were placed according to the colors that represent them. Miles chose all of the other rocks and heaved them into position as I instructed him from nearby, telling him a bit about what each stone and position teaches us. He seemed to really love learning about the wheel and took his time to choose a rock that seemed to fit.

Different peoples associate varying colors and meanings to the four directions, but I have come to know them in my own way based on my interactions with them, as well as other schools of thought, and based on the traditional teachings I've received. The oral histories of a tribe and their location also impacts the variations within the wheel.

East=Yellow, for the sun, Eagle, birth, illumination, the beginning of the journey.

South=Red, for fire, creativity, Coyote, the warmth of the earth, learning, material lessons.

West=Black, for the water, reflection, self-examination, Bear, emotions.

North=White, for the wisdom of the elders, the sacred circle of life, Buffalo, spirituality, rest.

I use the medicine wheel rather loosely, entering it at any place, any time, and working with the positions in it as things come up for me.

Today I sought help from position number 13, the large white rock just to the left of the red rock in the South position (about 7 o'clock in the above photo). This is the position of the Ancestors.

In some of the work I've been doing since we moved back to my hometown, many opportunities have arisen for me to heal myself in the context of my family and the unhealed stories that have been passed down for many generations. It seems like this year in particular has been pushing me to resolve, within myself, some of the deeper and more generational wounds that affect me.

As we plan our relocation in our third and final year here, I am being asked to make some vital changes that I will need to take with me on my journey. I am being called upon to cleanse, let go, cough up, release and leave behind that which does not serve. While I'm always eager to do this, it sometimes takes me a few trips around the wheel to feel the click, and wire it in. Ceremony always helps, and by the time I get to it, I'm ready to wave a confident farewell to the last of the loitering residue.

During the time I've been sick with the coughing, for example, I've been quarreling with each member of my family on some level. Louise Hay's, You Can Heal Your Life says this:

Bronchitis: Inflamed family environment. Arguments and yelling. Sometimes silent.

(If this doesn't spell out my experience of conflicts between my family members and I, then I. am. a. monkey's. uncle.)

Her new thought pattern is this:

I declare peace and harmony within me and around me. All is well.

Oh, Louise. I'm glad you're always handy to punctuate the incidents.

If you would like to create a Medicine Wheel in your garden to meditate with or as a tool for healing and going deeper within, I suggest reading a book called Medicine Wheel Ceremonies by Vicki Ray and C.V. Rodberg. Their simple pamphlet-like book gives an easy description of each of the positions and includes a set of cards for use with each position. 

Panther

Panther. Susan Seddon Boulet, Animal Spirits Knowledge Cards.

I am seeing a lot of women in my life take on physical activities that they've never engaged in before. Some are running marathons, cycling 50 miles at a time, dancing Zumba and Nia, taking trapeze lessons, and leading their bodies to the outer limits. I want to hear more about what is taking place with this. It seems to be beyond an ordinary seasonal shift into Spring.

I sat in circle with Sarah Jane (Auntie Sunjay) and the others on Saturday and she proposed an idea that if our daily system of life includes keeping a certain pace, then our chosen physical activities should match them. I think this sounds brilliant.

That is to say that running at a steady pace may be more suited for someone who really must have endurance in order to meet their requirements for the work they choose. It makes sense to me. Now to try to figure out how to move my body in a way that will help create energy and balance. Juggling? Obstacle course? Hmmm.

And I was also gifted a giant ball of onyx from my teacher this weekend, which she instructed me was akin to Panther. "Pace yourself in work, rest and play. Do not push too far or hard on one thing."

As I attempt to re-enter my studio and make plans for painting and creating, I am hesitant. I know that I cannot come back the same way I was here before. To do so would be to dishonor the many lessons of health and home that winter delivered straight to my doorstep.

I'm feeling much more myself; energized and ready to take some kind of action. And yet, something has let go and made room for a new way to come in. Except I don't know what that new way looks like. So I feel a bit like I'm fumbling through the dark trying to find my way to the new way. I feel renewed and full of potential, but also cautious not to step my paw into the trap of overdoing and obsessing about things which do not need to be obsessed about.

Creativity has many faces around here these days. I've begun creating a medicine wheel in my yard, so perhaps as I make my way around it, the answers will come.  Until then, magical, mystical Panther will be at my side. Perhaps together, and with my other helpers, I'll discover a new little offshoot from my path that is fresh, less traveled and pointed true north.

Remedy + Winners

*WINNERS!*

#12 & #20: Two LOVELIES! Rachel of 6512 and Growing and Christine C. of Lavender and Limes-please send me a message with your snail mail addresses and watch your magic curbside canister for card sets :)

******************************************************************

Still battling seasonal yukkies this week, I've been a bit of a kitchen witch when I've had the energy, when I really just want to remove my head for a while. From apple cider vinegar in warm water, to flushing with the Neti pot, swilling Botanic No. 3 by Synergy, and taking as many dead sea salt water baths as I can stand, I'm determined to steer clear of germy doctor's offices and chemical remedies. I'll stick to fermented healers and trust that eventually, my body will come back into balance.

I've also been juicing: 80% celery, 15% cucumber and 5% parsley is a great green mix any day, but parsley is contraindicated for breastfeeding because it's a diuretic. I substitute cilantro, if I have it, and also throw in a big nub of raw ginger. I'm sure it was the ginger that reduced my flu-like body aches on Monday night.

Sleep is still the main issue and Ivy fusses a bit at her magical hours, which cuts into my healing rest. I struggle with this because I'm still pulling her into bed with me sometime between midnight and 3 a.m. When she was sick a month ago, nursing her while lying down was the only way to clear her breathing up. This threw a wrench into what was shaping up to be a milk-free night routine.

Now that my sweet little Persephone is ten months old, I'm feeling the tug of a transition, and wanting to sleep some more. The expectations alone are a set up to cause me frustration on nights when she doesn't go along with the plan. For me, and this family, this usually signals a time to let go of expectations and surrender to the undertow of motherhood. An endeavor that already leaves me feeling raw and facing all of my own personality challenges at once, being a surrendered mommy feels better than being one strapped with frustration and expectations.

I've prepared myself to be even more selective about how I'm spending my time, not feeling like I can really pare back any more-but knowing that I can, I just don't want to. I have no idea what it might look like in the coming months or for the rest of the year, but I'm open. I'm wide open to the unknown unfolding in it's own time; surfing a bit instead of trying to shape the ocean into the form I think it should take.

True Celebration

Let time celebrate your presence. People usually make a wish for the New Year, but this year, make no wish. Let the New Year celebrate you. If the New Year wants to bring you nicer things, let it.

Usually you are lost in celebration. When you let time celebrate you, you are a witness amidst celebration.

This New Year is fortunate because you are living at this time. When you are living for the sake of the world, the world is fortunate. You are not living for yourself, but for the world. Whatever the world needs or wants, you are here for that.

-Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, celebrating SILENCE

a whole new way

coats are drying and i'm rambling.

 

i am realizing that fearless isn't what i need to be.

what i can do is feel my fears. be terrified by them. allow them to rip me to bits and leave me for the vultures. it could be okay that way.

perhaps then, pissing down my leg, i can face them. be in the same room with them without hyperventilating. envision a partnership in which i accept the ridiculous amount of protection they offer me, and understand why.

and yet, allowing the most intuitive and brave parts of myself find the path anyway. after all, i could wager, if i'm feeling the fearfulness, it's only a matter of time before i get to the business of where i'm going. if the past has shown me anything, that is. i suppose the difference is how long i choose to stand in a puddle over it, believing its all true.

the all white animal is a messenger of power over our fears, of freedom and the highest connection we can make. i'm needing the highest connection i can muster. though i'm not sitting in any pressing trepidation in this moment, i know i will be. and i want a plan. this year fear is not going to slow me down. there are plenty of things that might, but fear isn't going to be one of them.

 

the coyote, my dear companion of tricks and foibles, has never steered me wrong. as i worked on this piece, all of these pieces, it became clear to me that i need not be void of fear in order to live my life in courage. i need only to admit that i am in my own way and then undergo whatever process comes out of that, see it through until the end, in order to find the gateway to relief. to breathe again.

 

my fears have nothing to do with phobias or freak accidents. i fear being incapable, unable to overcome what challenges me in the moment. some are deeply planted in me from happenings i can and cannot recall. they are from hell and wreak havoc on my confidence as a mother, artist and business person. ordinarily i would say they must go. what if i can let them to be heard? stop fearing the fears. TRUST.

trust courageously. emphatically. not that i can do and be all that i aspire to, but that the anxiety about the fears aren't going to strangle me. they aren't going to steal my soul as i sleep. they do seep up, so impolitely, falsely urgent, contrarily, when i didn't want to get wrapped up in their discussion in the first place. in that sense, being fearful does feel threatening. and irritating to be taken off of my path whilst i skip merrily along.

if i could get over my frustration about them, that would truly be progress. beginning again always helps.

 

i'll be posting up some new paintings this week, quietly tending and filling my shop as the house sleeps.

this is my offering to you.

Manifesting Abundance

I'd forgotten something really important to me that I found in the archives of my brain this weekend about the days just before I conceived Ivy. I'm so happy I remembered! I'll share a bit of the story:

Last year I was lying out in the woods with my girls and someone had been drumming (was it me?) and we were all doing a journey. I'd been wanting to get pregnant with my daughter and the ptb totally weren't listening to me. I woke up first and lay watching all of the little crawling creatures and the beautiful earth with all of it's energy radiating out to the surface. So much life! In my journey, I was told that I would be having a daughter, but that she wasn't going to come on my watch. I'd need to exercise some patience. I love to hear this because I'm most certainly the least patient person on earth. Ants, the reminders of patience, shuttled back and forth with little grains for storage, twisting the knife and tormenting me, as they are often inclined to do.

Two weeks later, I was asked to smoke a peace pipe while on a vision quest. It's believed that the smoke carries prayers more efficiently up to the eagerly listening Creator Spirits that way. I recalled the medicine of Buffalo, which I remembered to be something like prayer aligned with purposefulness to bring about results. I'd surrendered, since my journey, to the possibility that I might have to be a mom to a daughter in a less conventional way than I'd previously hoped! I wondered things like, Would Miles marry someone who would be like a daughter to me? and all sorts of creative offshoots of that story. In the end, I prayed for lots of things, but I was sure to include that I had surrendered my expectations to get pregnant or have a daughter.

The concept of manifesting a dream fascinates me. It seems that sometimes one only need declare something in an open, yet surrendered way, and eventually, it comes around. I tend to forget, until I flip back through an old journal, how many intentions I've set that have materialized over the years. 

Which brings me back to big, beasty Buffalo.

Buffalo is a symbol of abundance, but not abundance without connection. Jamie Sams writes:

"Buffalo medicine is a sign that you achieve nothing without the aid of Great Spirit and that you must be humble enough to ask for that assistance and then be grateful for what you receive."

Ted Andrews takes it a little bit further:

"The bison also usually follows the easiest path. When we join the right action with the right prayers, the path is not difficult. We do not have to bull our way through. The path opens and flows easily. This is not a time to push or force. Follow the easiest path. Things will happen in the time, manner and means that is best for us if we allow it. This doesn't mean we should sit back and do nothing, but rather that we should do what we have to do and then let the events take their natural course."

As we get a little closer to the end of the year, my thoughts are shifting to my 2010 calendar. What do I want to plant seeds for? Am I ready for the things I'm asking for to come in? How might I phrase my intentions in a way that finds me open, yet not laid bare to any and all interpretations of my dream? (By those creator sorcerers who would totally misunderstand me!) How do I plan to feed myself?

It sounds superstitious, but there is something about the idea of being very specific about what I'm ready for that makes me feel like my dream is already coming true. I can feel the spark of synchronicity igniting, just by choosing my words carefully.

One of the things I seldom dare ask for is a nourishing home. But the words are leaving my lips more and more daringly. 

I'm making a point to ask for help in finding a community that supports us economically, nurtures us creatively, and inspires us visually.

So there it is. I'm officially declaring it- as I sit among seven teeny paintings, all of whom carry the energy of manifesting abundance. It is an act of self-care to open up and allow the highest good to come in...

 

How will you declare your intention?

Dismemberment 101

When I really need to let something go in order to clear out *space* for something new to come in, sometimes I'll take a dismemberment journey. Journeywork is a regular part of sitting with a medicine woman and asking her to her teach you all of the unorthodox traditions that lead a generally straight path to the soul. And the soul's [issues]. In a journey, in which a medicine person plays a trance-like drum rhythm to help along, one might travel into different "worlds" to seek messages or answers from soul guides.

In various dismemberment journeys taken, I've been gored by a boar, eaten by a lion, disassembled by ants, swallowed up by the earth, chewed up by a crocodile and a number of other strange-sounding experiences. The way it feels to me is very cleansing. Taking something apart and putting it back together again can result in leaving unnecessary bits behind and maybe picking up something new that is useful-a bit of forgiveness, a moment of peace, permission to be, whatever I need to get out of a stuck place.

Osiris is one such mythological figure, whose mean brother sends him in a box down the river to be rid of him, then later finds him again and rips him into 14 pieces. Poor Isis puts Osiris back together again, good wife that she is. And later, he is exalted to god of the underworld and eternity for many reasons, including his ability to regenerate.

It's this myth I've been thinking of as I've contributed my "page" 21 in the visual narrative for The 48 Hour Project. Without giving too much away, (have to save something to get people to come to the actual show!) I just want to share how meaningful it is to work with some of these themes while squirreling all energy into one piece. What other opportunity would I have to sit and ponder dismemberment, letting go, rebirth and renewal for as long as I have?

Tonite the piece is complete and I'll be happy to get back to my attempts at sleeping, eating and normal life as I know it.

"Therefore, when I saw darkness in myself I cut it from me and wept, for the pain was unbearable. Blind and mourning, I stumbled into the desert, scooping up the blue virtue of sky and setting it in my heart. Then my heart flew out and circled above like a hawk. It joined a thousand birds circling, serpents in their talons. And I wept, for without love or loss or pain I would not have known this happiness." --Normandi Ellis, Awakening Osiris.

Decomposure

Fox. Animal Spirits Knowledge Cards, Susan Seddon Boulet.

Funny how things decay over time. Some things get better with age and others fall apart, bit by bit, tooth after tooth, cell beyond cell.

Death and rebirth are on my mind a lot lately. I seem to be faced with the message of loss each time I turn around and I never quite know how to hold it in my small hands.

Grief sticks to me like tiny hairs on sticky fingertips; that no matter how i try, frustrated, to pick at it and extract it off of me, ignore it, or sit with it quietly, it often feels like I will never come clean of it.

I saw a beautiful red fox hit on the road today, by El Tejon northbound on I-5. She looked in perfect condition with her little pointed face toward the afternoon sun. She teaches me about preparing for changes and making my den comfortable and cozy. She is teaching me how to integrate all parts of myself. She brings with her the hope of freedom from fear and falsehood.

Decay seems lacking in grace, but perhaps it is the most graceful act of all.

 

Vision

Again, I recall the great

vision you gave me.

It may be that some little

root of

The sacred tree still lives.

Nourish it then

That it may leaf and

bloom and

Fill with singing birds!

Hear me, that the People

may once again

Find the good road and the

shielding tree.

-Black Elk

Medicine Soup

There seem to be an abundance of great retreats being hosted at the moment, and it makes my heart sing to see women sitting in more and more circles, connecting and awakening to the depth of their own souls.

My longtime medicine teacher gathers a group in the mountains once a year and I've missed the last few. So this time, dearest husband stayed five minutes from camp (thanks to Amazing Diane) and I was able to participate while he and the wees explored mountain tops nearby. Isn't it so good to have deep friends and rich nature all in one weekend? *happy sigh*

These are the times when I put myself on the hook to try to find the hang ups that  prevent me from creating peace in my life. Between the dreams, readings, healings, drumming, dancing, yoga, meditation, and time spent alone in the woods, it's impossible not to go into deep reflection. This is what I love about retreat, the renewal and enlivenment of spirit that one can come home with.

What came up for me, as I was flitting between activities and opting out of others in favor of getting outside to breathe the air of my favorite pines, is that... I am addicted to overwhelm. {stomach heave}

Here's what it looks like:

I tend to run myself a little bit late, and then I am flustered when I get to where I'm going. I fill my calendar just a little too full, spread myself to those in need a bit too thin, and therefore operate under a pattern of stress with all of the nasty sidecars: suppressed immunity, few emotional reserves, able to go short distances but wear out when endurance is needed.  I can seriously make any easy task into a tragedy if I'm unaware. It's not easy to admit this because now I have to do something about it. Shit!

Having children has made this pattern seem justifiable. Friends say things like, "You're under rested, you're a new mom! Of course you're only operating on half a brain!" Implying that the reddish-black circles under my eyes are all perfectly normal. The truth is that this was going on long before kids came into my life, but I was able to collapse for three days at a time if needed, or be sick, etc., stealthily hiding my *habit* a bit.

Being addicted to overwhelm feels victimy to me when I hold it up to the light. (There's that message again). I don't feel that I'm proficient about making decisions that are grounded in self care. I'm determined to find a way to turn it around. I feel a responsibility, not only to myself, to be able to teach Miles and Ivy how to honor and take care of themselves.

These are my lessons. All mixed up in a big soup with my joy, my love and my offerings to you.