Pink Coyote

Coyote Parenting

On many occasions I've considered my own intuition to be faulty. But for many years I've been testing a theory that is grounded in the notion that there is no such thing as a mistake, or no wrong path. 

I credit parenting, and my personal journey with Coyote for this, because Coyote is one who does what she does and lives through it. There is no such thing as a wrong turn. We may disapppoint or hurt ourselves or others on the path of life, however, what happens, happens. There is no denying it. And no amount of shaming or guilting ourselves about it will bring about justice or balance. It seems that the antidote for life's mishaps and wrong turns is simply to Trust: to trust that there is a reason, that there are valuable teachings on the dark roads. And that none of them have to do with medicating the feelings around the lessons. When open, insights always flow in eventually.

Charlie

Aren't guilt and shame just medicines that don't work very well? The ethic seems to come from very old and ingrained religious ideas about penance, profuse apology and punishment for being human. They seem to be more leg traps that can take years or even lifetimes to recover from. The human condition seems so desirous of being divine or divine-like, that there is no room for actually being human.

When raising children, this ethic can do so much harm. I don't understand punishing religion and thought. It seems counterproductive to encouraging life. I mean, can you see yourself pouring boiling water on your plants that don't flower on time or produce the sort of crop that you want? With children, punishment also just doesn't make sense. It results in a shrinking back from life.

For women, it has been said that esteem does not come factory installed. If this is true, then I can imagine why it is easier to loiter in a leg trap of shame or guilt, rather than fight one's way out in order to live. What I find again and again, is that women are willing to fight for life. Not just the breathing part, but the thriving my-life-is-a-gift aspect of living into full expression and freedom. Seems it's typically shame, guilt, old punishing values, and comparison to others' flourishing lives (unworthiness) that usurps the process of life. When my mom became sober over ten years ago, everyone in my family felt a huge heave toward life. It was intense and palpable, really uncomfortable. And took a very long time to grow into, even for those of us around her.

What can be born when we release control of past mistakes and decide to live with the present is Faith. When we believe that our goodness and truth will find their own way, we can relax into being. A great peeling away from old ways is occuring. I say grateful prayers every day for being able to be a part of it.

It is a great injustice

and a monumental

act of cruelty

for any religion

to make someone fear God.

-Hafiz

At Cliff's Edge

It was nine years ago last month that I took myself to Big Sur for the first time. I disorientedly rang up my friend Swirly and asked her where she loved to go when she needed space away from it all, and this is where she directed me.

I'd had a second trimester miscarriage two weeks before I phoned her and those around me were worried that I would go up there and fling myself off of a cliff. Which, interestingly enough, was where I received the healing I required to move forward in the light, and in a new kind of strength that I'd never before experienced, alone.

Traumatic and blindsiding loss made me feel as though I was standing on a precipice. I packed some art supplies and my journal, and took the curvaceous drive up the California coast to the place where artists have been taking sanctuary for a hundred years or more. In many places the road comes very close to the edge of the Earth, reminding me of my fear of heights, my stomach flipping over as I snatched glimpses of the waves crashing on the rocks below.

The room I stayed in had nothing but a bed and a bathroom. No phone, no tv, no cell service. I painted, journalled, slept long hours dreaming of this baby spirit that had chosen to gift me with this experience before gifting me with motherhood.

On my last day there, I decided to stand at the scariest edge I could find on the roadside and rage out my grief-all of it-all the way back to childhood. I recalled what I'd heard someone say about heights reflecting fear not that we will fall, but that we will jump. I wonder if, for me, it was a fear of soaring...despite what was happening in my body and in my injured soul at the time. I remember feeling a tremendous comfort-that the sea was like a big bowl, a container that could totally hear and understand my rage, my disappointment and hold my tears for me. I grew louder and bolder, and still she rocked me softly. The sea lions below barked and cheerleaded. The turkey vultures circled overhead, not in wait for me to lay down and die so they could pick at my bones, but to take from me all that would become toxic if I held it inside. The scent of sagebrush wafted up and cleansed me. I can't remember a time where I felt more held and safe. I closed my eyes and felt the rubble moving under my unsteady feet, and learned to trust for the first time in my life. Tears of rage turned to tears of gratitude for my life, for all that was possible. I felt it for the whole world.

Often I am asked how it is I came to this work-to my connection with the Earth as a healer, and to the creatures. I suppose in some part, it began with this loss, and then an emptying. The void inside of me filled with light and I felt a strange commitment to want to give back to the Earth for the gift of being held when no one could hold me. I wanted to know I could always come here as if to an altar and find my illuminated self waiting at the edge, trusting.

It was lifechanging to discover that between just she and I, a relationship existed that could keep me in the light. That every part of her was rooting for me. Crumbling, barking, splashing, crashing...daring me to live well, to thrive, to be fully expressed.

I travel back every year to revisit the cliff's edge and to reconnect with my own light. Oddly enough, it only rained that year, and I visit in January or February, ritually. Twice I've been pregnant. Every time, I am rebirthed.

Major Foxy Changes

When I created this painting in 2009, Ivy Tallulah was just hatched, nursing up a storm on my front, and hanging around on my back while I launched my Etsy store and fed my creative fire with all of that juiced up mama hormone I'd experienced with Miles, but had been shy about working through then.

Change, the graceful gypsy.

I was feverishly connecting the dots between my art process and my spiritual practice, and so a sixty-piece series was born over the next three years featuring creatures departing colorful cityscapes, and headed for the wild woods- as we who practice journeywork experience each time we relax into the drums and depart consciousness for wisdom that resides deep within us.

What was so important to me was to integrate all of the separate categories and classifications of my life and roll them into my everday muchness. I'd been practicing shamanic journeys once a month in circle, painting on rare occasion, when Brandon would take Miles out for a walk, and mothering in a compartmentalized way that was unbalanced, and yet I was so wholly absorbed and in love with. I don't think I realized that I could do them all at once and not one of them would go hungry.

It was a very big three years. Today I sat looking through some old journals, tearing out pages on which I'd written letters to the babies in my belly, to put in their special tin boxes for later. I'd written all of my dreams down, and my journeys too, and I could see now, seven years beyond the first page of baby notes, how I'd been planting those seeds of integration back  then. I don't know why it surprised me, how it all matched up-why is it that we wake up each day and think that what we're building and growing is something new, when in fact, it's been unfolding all of this time? I suffer a bit of Groundhog Day syndrome sometimes, I think. In actuality, life is rolling along like a bicycle wheel going forward and also coming back around to the same place over and over...

Tomorrow is a very big day. As was prophesied in the pages of my journals, I'd yearned for our family to all be home together then, working and living under one shelter. Yet with the past year being the toughest ever on my fourteen-year marriage, I believed that I'd be releasing the sacred contract on the Winter Solstice just past. I'd known for some time that a very old something needed to be let go of. But Superdad and I made an entirely different decision, on the turn of a dime. We resolved to bring him home from his day job and put our family firmly together, rather than stretching it apart. The old way is the model that most of our parents showed us, which reminds me of the post-war television show Mad Men: that Dad is away from home about fifty hours a week, missing out on being a parent for most of the babes' waking hours and too tired to nurture his own creative dreams while turning someone else's crank. This family/work/life model has never worked for us, and it's caused us much grief to be out of alignment for this long.

That crafty vixen of change has shifted directions again, making her way out of my dreams and into Ordinary Reality, as my own multi-faceted processes have integrated into one, so she has come forth to appear right here for the whole, in real time. I share this somewhat vulnerably, as there is plenty of risk at hand. Though I must say, that nothing is worth more than taking it. Deeeep breath.

Another page is turning in this story- as my partner will arrive home tomorrow evening after the last day of a twenty-two year career in industrial design, to champagne and children full of anticipation-a piece of emotional parchment that I have held close to my chest (like aces).

It seems we'll be pioneering a new model from scratch (like cream biscuits).

***

Fox is graceful change. She begins her process by opening up to new patterns she may not have considered before. Fox changes herself to bring about a desired situation, not unlike shapeshifting. She may use camouflage or invisibility to burrow under and blend in if necessary, in order to find out how she fits in. She listens carefully, creates comfort all around her, and tunes into her instincts. Her keen perception serves her well when the time comes to make a decision. Fox cozies up and protects herself before she trots off into her new adventure- expecting the unexpected, and willing to be guided.

Solstice Goodness: Keeping the Fire Burning

It's a blessing like no other to feel so connected to you all this Solstice. As I sat tending fire from sundown until sunrise this morning (intermittently snatching catnaps), I felt immersed, trancelike, in prayer for many hours. I called in the four directions for guidance and protection around the fire, walking the wheel around the firepit. It's with so much gratitude in my heart that I stand in the sunshine today, knowing how many have been affected in this community by the Mother of All Releasings Ceremony. Thank you for doing it your way, creating your own, inviting your tribes, putting the call out to people in your community that you may not even know well, and having the courage to be positive Lightbringers at a time when dark energies attempt to cling. Stepping into a new paradigm of consciousness can be as simple as choosing it in this moment, or as ritualized as days of preparation and a roaring fire to commemorate the occasion in which you let go of your burdens. Whichever way you have chosen to celebrate-thank you for choosing the Light. There is so much fun and creation to be had in 2012.

Here are some warm and yummy Solstice related posts for you to enjoy:

Creative Living Experiment

Gypsy Forest

rich hippie farm

Owning My Truth

Deeper Than All Roses

Love and Light

One More Time

Owl & Crow

Goddess Guidebook

Journey by Lampelight

 

 

 

 

 

Letting Go by ericatheartist

I have to share this with you. For those who are starting your fires tonight, or burning them tomorrow, I wish you light, ease, heart and love.

Thank you, Erica. I'm awestruck.

 

*The actual moment of Winter Solstice is supposed to occur on December 22 at 5:30a.m. Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). PST to GMT is -8 hours, so here on the West Coast it occurs on December 21 at 9:30pm. Many celebrations took place this weekend, but if you want to make your fire on the darkest night of the year, the 21st or the 22nd would be the best. My calendar says that the first day of Winter is December 22nd. However the sun rises at 5:25am and sets at 5:15 on both the 21st and 22nd, so they are equally short days! The 20th-25th are all equally short days, according to sunrisesunset.com.

Giveaway to Winter Lodge

In my haste and delirium last week, I was not clear about WHEN the drawing for two passes to the upcoming Winter Session of SouLodge. Thank you, Jodi Crane, for bringing it to my attention! I indicated last week that I'd be giving the passes away on Friday, when what I meant to say was that I'd announce the giveaway on Friday, drawing to be done on Thursday of this week.

Sweep, sweep the den. Housekeeping details!

So yes, please do share the video at your blogs and comment to enter. I'd also love to know if there is anyone who would like to sponsor another woman's journey around the Medicine Wheel. Winter's Session focuses on Restoration, recharging and drawing energy up from the deep, warm Earth. I expect it to be...cozy, fluffy, winter nesty, warm, supportive, elemental, wise, centering.

 

There has been such a tremendous response to this video of ritual and letting go. My heart is bursting with joy at the thought of women on a path together-that so many of us are unified by how we gather and release, receive and give away-the cycle that bonds us in many different ways. I have loved hearing how your partners are sneaking their slips of paper into your bundles before they surrender and just make their own, how your children stood by fires this weekend, patiently awaiting the magic moment to let go of what was holding them back-to speak this to you is a huge gift in itself. I have loved seeing your altars, your feathers, your magic tools, your faces firelit.

 

Mother of All Releasing, Arizona from Latisha Guthrie on Vimeo. Thank you, Herbmama, for shining your light and sharing your gathering with us!

I'd love to share some of your images, if you would like to point me to them.

Photo courtesy of Mother Rising. Wendy, you give beautiful Solstice gatherings!

A warm and cozy Monday to you...

Women In Circle: THE MOTHER Of ALL RELEASINGS CEREMONY

Thank you to everyone who made this video come to life. My hope is that it brings vitality and energy to your Solstice ceremony, sacredness to your season, Trust in your process, and a shared belief with the women who participated that Women deserve a circle.

Ritualizing release is a way to "bind the medicine" of moving beyond the past, the pain, the obstacles, the resistance, the old traps, the excuses. I'm so grateful to lead us into the new year and into the flames to be rebirthed for 2012.

Please share this ritual in your tribe, with your family and friends, or enjoy it in sacred solitude. If you share the video with your online tribe, please comment here so that I can enter you into the giveaway for one of two seats in the Winter Session of SouLodge. It is my gift and pleasure to circle with you.

Aho, sisters. Blessings to all my relations.

 

 

A Week for the Books

This is the week of all weeks. I'm pleasantly stunned by all that is being released around here and in the ripples that surround me.

This Friday, December 16th, is the day I'll be sharing the beautiful video made by twelve women and I to share with you as an offering for the Winter Solstice. The Mother of All Releasings Ceremony feels so big. There are so many women, tribes, and families who are stepping forward, lighting a fire and tossing in the un-needed, most of which is hinged on FEAR. This week I'll be baring my soul, making my request of the Universe, asking all women to open up and LET GO. If you are hosting a Solstice party or gathering this weekend, the video will put some swirl in your skirt and bring some sacred to your space in preparation.

I will also be giving away two passes to Winter SouLodge on Friday. You heard me right. Class begins January 16th. Tee hee.

This Thursday, I'll be attending the official launch party, with an enormous collection of my friends and community, to celebrate the release of Christine Mason Miller's book Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World. THE WORLD. Putting our creativity to work and living our vision has the power to CHANGE THE WORLD. Yes, it does. I'm so proud to have shared writings and a project in this book.

 

Christine and I have been friends for eleven or more years, when she was manufacturing a greeting card line (Swirly) and I was manufacturing sleepwear (Napcake). We collaborated on pajama designs then and I knew I would want to work with her for as long as she'd have me on her team. At the time, my mission was to create a beautiful permission to rest and Christine totally got it-we were taking big leaps of creative faith at the same time. Jennifer Louden, another super-shero from back in the day, has interviewed Christine at her blog, and reading it reminded me how far it's possible to come in such a short time. From artist to visionary doesn't take long when you line your head up with your heart.

Also on Thursday, the new Squam Art Workshops website is going live. Oh, yes. That is all I can say.

I've created a foundation course for SouLodge, which will be available as a PDF e-Lodge this weekend. Wheeeee and awrooooooo! I've been feeling called to do this since the Summer session ended, and because we covered so many wondrous basics, that I thought it would be really helpful to those just coming in, and answer many questions that come up around what's helpful to know while waiting for a session to begin, or to work the lessons in solitary before coming into the community fully present and accountable. For all of you who have asked for this, thank you. You push me to keep my muzzle to the grindstone, and birth what is ready to be received.

I'm also taking a really huge leap of faith. I will tell you about it when the time is right, but please hold a light for me as I release something I didn't think I was going to, and embrace something I thought I was going to let go of. I am clearing the way for something I once thought impossible. Crazy risky. But crazy good.

I have so much passion for this community, this sacred women's circle. I have a vision in my mind each time I come to this space: I see women with babies on their backs, bread being kneaded, water being carried, the sun drawn down, poetry sang to the rising moon, the fire in the center of it all, skirts swirling, women trusting, letting fly with the spiral dance...this vision comes to me every time I come to write here, and I feel flooded with gratitude every.single.time.

photo by Christine Mason Miller

 

Mother of All Releasings Ceremony, Winter Solstice 2011

Elke May, releasing fear.

Who: YOU, and if you wish, your circle, tribe, family, or village.

What: A fire ceremony, to release the old year and shift up into the new.

Where: In your backyard firepit, on a bonfire beach, around your fireplace, (even in your kitchen sink if you can make it scout-safe with a fireproof container).

When: Winter Solstice, December 22nd, 2011.

Why: We release what no longer serves us on the Winter Solstice, because it is the darkest day of the year. We let go so that we can step freely into what is waiting for us, as the light begins to grow brighter with each day. We're doing it as an extended community to raise the energy level of letting go, together!

How: Make a releasing bundle. Gather friends and family around a hearth (or do this in sacred solitary), set the bundle safely aflame, and let the alchemical element of fire transform the old, as it knows how to do so well. Feast on Solstice treats and celebrate the return of the light. Tune in here after December 16th to see the video created around my tribe's ceremony.

2012 is a powerful year to let the old ways go and step fully into creative self-expression and abundant support for our dreams from All That Is. It is a time for visionaries to create reality.

Thank you, sisters. I'm so grateful that you and your energy is rippling out into the world!

 

 

What I'm Releasing: Lacking Full Expression

In sticking with this theme, and preparing for big changes to come, I'm going to keep pitching out ideas of any and all areas ripe for letting go. Here's the latest:

 

Letting go of things: I've been holding onto an entire shelved closet full of art supplies, which has continued to accumulate since I've been in this studio. When I go to do a clean-out, I save things that I think the kids might like to play with later, or that I enjoyed making a certain piece with. Fabrics, wool roving, paints, leaves and twigs, found objects and hardware, glues of every shape, size, and tackiness, collage papers... So I ask again, what's going on underneath it all when I know I want to slim it down by over half and I can't seem to do it? The feeling that comes up is, Oh, hello, fear again. My thoughts around this one is that I won't have what I need when I have an ignited idea and need to execute it with urgency. I'm going to let go of my fear of Not Being Able to Be Fully Expressed.

What bit of skin is sloughing off of you today?

What I'm Releasing: Scarcity Thinking (among other things)

The video for The Mother of All Releasings Ceremony is almost complete, and I'm so excited to share it with you I can hardly wait. The incredibly artful and meticulous Anne Carmack is in the final editing stage and we're chomping at the bit to talk more about releasing and raise the energy around this auspicious Solstice day on December 22nd. I'm imagining what it will be like to have fires burning all around the world, with women and their tribes tossing in what is absolutely not invited into 2012. Find out how to make your releasing bundles here.

I've been enjoying reading about conscious transition over at 13moon, and really love hearing what Mayan elders are saying about this time in history. Doomsday prophecies are a real bore, and Eden Sky has a bit of positive spin on the hype around the Mayan 2012 prophecy that takes the fear out of change.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if a huge congregation of us could step more consciously into unity with each other and harmony with the Earth, even if we're just inviting baby steps into this new way of being? Leaving fear and worry behind, we can truly risk our dreams if we can see them extending out and beyond us for the next hundred years.

What changes for you when you put down the five year plan, or even the twenty year plan, just momentarily, and embrace the idea that what we do now, what we're already doing, and what we're capable of, is to leave a legacy that ripples out from our core and into the future beyond our lifetimes?

I've been busy here, as per usual, -this is my scurrying time of year, nesting, holidaying, sending out orders, and planning retreats for soaring into the new year- but in the crevasses I step outside and breathe in the chilly air and consider what it really is I'm letting go of. I hold even when I don't think I'm holding, and I see it showing up quietly, a bit sneakily, and so I'm wanting to call it out and ask what the heck these little inner weights are really about. I'll start with a biggie for me, and share some more as we draw nearer to Solstice.

Letting go of this house: I catch myself switching on the light in my big ole pantry that we designed six years ago and thinking, dang, I'm going to miss this thing. Bit of grief, and longing attaching itself to me. While it's not wrong in my mind to anticipate *missing* something or someone meaningful, this is a pantry. What's it really about? Why am I projecting into the future unconsciously? I think that I'm carrying fear that I won't have enough space in our new digs, which we'll be moving into just after the Christmas holiday. And maybe that's really about general scarcity worries. This pretty much happens in every room of the house, when I do my banking, when I work in my calendar: space, time and money flow. So I'm going to let go of Scarcity Thinking to make room for clarity and abundance.

I'd love to hear more about what's coming up for you!

Make Your Own Releasing Bundle Instructions

I'm all goosebumpy writing this. It's with all of the energy I have that I ask the women (and maybe one or two men with heart?) who gather here to honor the Winter Solstice this year by creating a ritual at home or in circle with others in order to release what is of the dated, outmoded ways. Winter Solstice is the shortest, darkest day of the year, which holds the promise of the Light just on the other side of it. On this end, I'm calling it The Mother of All Releasings Ceremony.

If you'd like to make a releasing bundle, as I did for this season's SouLodge participants' kits, here's what you'll need:

A 5x5" square of cotton or hemp fabric

An offering of loose tobacco (I used a very small pinch of tobacco and also some white sage and lavender buds-such small amounts-a little goes a long way.)

Many tiny slips of paper to write your releasing wishes on

A natural fiber cord or string to tie it up with

1. Assemble your plant material on your square of fabric (I chose tattered black linen to represent the imperfect beings we are and also the shadow aspects)

2. Add the slips of paper that you've written what you'll be burning up and away, and roll them up nice and tiny before you add them to the pile.

3. Gather the corners up and tie tightly with hemp twine. It will look like a little ball with pointy tips, or a little black ghost if you turn it upside down.

4. When Solstice arrives on December 22nd, set aside some time and build a fire. If you do not have access to an outdoor firepit, or barbecue, you can burn it outside, in an open space, in an earthenware bowl or abalone shell. The flames will rise, so DO BE CAREFUL and take expert girl scout precautions.

Know that your sisters all around the globe are collectively releasing alongside you, and that we are a tapestry of Women who are paving the way for ourselves to move clearly and confidently from our intentions with this ceremony. Yes, please share what you feel called to at your blog and in your public spaces! I believe that the Earth is ready and willing to take on our emotional dreck and compost it up for us for new and wonderful things to be born from it. Consider making an offering to the Earth of a tiny stone or crystal to thank her for all that she carries for us.

I think it's possible to make this ceremony a biggie. One of the reasons I believe this is because I've been conversing and working with the women of Autumn SouLodge to name (privately and publicly) all that they want to let go of in order to greet 2012 and a shift into greater consciousness with clarity.

I've put my personal circle of women together and we'll be making an AWESOME video to share here to inspire women everywhere to throw the tattered aspects of being into the fire. We're all very keyed up over this and I'll be nailbiting from now until share day. My intention is to raise energy all over the world on December 22nd and make it a celebration of release. I'm seriously laughing as I write this because I feel so strongly about what we are capable of when we can alchemically transform:

Fear into Courage

Not Enoughness into Plenty                   

Old patterns of behavior into fresh responses and vulnerability           

Anger into Cleansing Breath

Sorrow into Hope

Grief into Rebirth

Loneliness into Circle and Support

Disempowerment into Confident Action

Creative Dormancy into Full Expression

Superficiality into True Being

Masks into Love of What Really Is

Shortsightedness into Eagle's Vision

Limitations into Possibility

Projections into Conscious Ownership

Stuckness into Movement

Depression into Light

Bondage into Freedom

Control into a Loose, Flexible Grasp

Obsession into Letting It Be

Anxiety into Flow

Fragmentations into Wholeness

Duality into Oneness

Shame into Acceptance of the Processes of Life

Mistrust into Trust

Judgment into Allowing

You know, the little things that keep us sitting in our own dungeons, stagnant and hungry. There's so much more to name. We've been engaging in a lot of processing around healing, voicing the truth, allowing support/asking for help/asking to be held in silence, and declaring freedoms in the Lodge, and it's been a honor to witness and hold space for the women who are tucked inside, talking, creating and working, and shaking it out. While none of us is walking around living these negative forces all of the time, when it comes time to take action, or when we stumble a bit, these shadowy aspects come rearing up like a viper to keep us inactive. Or maybe shimmying up like old, icky skeletal remains to convince us that we are powerless over that which holds us back.

Imagine if we felt held enough by the Universe, by All That Is, and could shed the old skins to allow a rebirth when the light returns...imagine if we could hold our visions for ourselves as visions for the world and see how what we do as visionary women ripples out and is in alignment with the new consciousness trying to awaken everywhere.

I'm looking forward to carrying the wood to the fire and freeing the stuck bits within myself!

Please tell me if you'll be doing this ritual or your own version of it. I'd like to carry the vision of all of us as we draw toward letting our burdens down. Continuing in the legacy of my teacher and pipe-carrier, Bear Who Dances With the Sky, I'm thrilled to honor the medicine teachings and share them with you here. So much gratitude.

Aho!

Winter Session for SouLodge + Releasing

Good Monday morning, sweet readers. I'm so grateful for this space. I know I say this ad infinitum, but it's so true. It's really hard not to bow to the screen every time I come here, because I truly am living my dream of creating and connecting in exactly the way I know I'm meant to.

I'm working hard behind the scenes to create a beautiful ceremony for the Winter Solstice that I want to invite all of you to be a part of. (Yes, I'll do a button and all of that yummy stuff for you who are so deliciously button-hungry :)

It's called The Mother of All Releasings Ceremonies, and I will perform the ceremony live and share the video here on December 21st, the day before the Solstice, the darkest day of the year. You and hopefully thousands of others can do the same on the 22nd and raise energy and consciousness around this, if you feel called to, which I hope you do!

The reason I feel so strongly about this day and this ceremony, is because I've discovered in my own work, as well as in observance of the women in my classes, that we women are carrying and holding onto and holding *in* SO MUCH. I want to grant permission to do what we are designed to do, which is to gather and empty, gather and empty. It seems that this is on my mind all of the time now. I notice that when I am stepping into my visionary shoes, I cannot afford to drag a dead horse behind me. Women are communing and taking amazing leaps all around me, and none of us need to be stalked by the stagnant and outmoded. I hope you'll join me when the day comes. Envision a fire, and see yourself tossing your old worries and fears in there. The elements love to compost. Let's give them the best of our garbage. The most choice, decaying, bits.

I'll be putting up a recipe here at the end of the month so that you can create your very own releasing bundle, (the same that I created for my Lodge Women), filled with the energy and words that you are ready to let go of in order to greet the new year with open arms, a bright light and no dead anything clinging on and loitering up your beautiful space!

Registration has opened for Winter SouLodge and there are also four-season passes available for all full-length sessions being held in 2012. I'm so excited to be doing this work and sharing my tools and resources with awakened women. It's become a safe and lively container, and I've learned so very much inside the shelter about the true nature of Woman. It keeps my fire burning. :)

The Mother Of All Releasings Ceremony + *giveaway winner*

The Moon is in her full splendor tonight as I write this. I am filled with so many feelings surrounding your releasing comments. We all have so much fear, not-enoughness, anxiety, doubt, control, anger, grief...the old baggage, as someone called it. This connection with each of you, over what we are holding onto...well, you know I consider it my life's work to Let Go. To release again and again whatever stands between me and peace. Me and love of one and all, my foolish self included. So this has touched me so deeply, and come at the perfect time.

Misty mentioned that she wanted to "shake it" and I remembered these words when I sampled (and pre-ordered) Florence's new record today, Ceremonials. A beautiful sign! It popped into my field of vision at iTunes just as these thoughts were percolating in the cauldron of my consciousness, meditating on just how heavy the loads are that we carry. We sometimes forget that in order to keep our baskets full of what nourishes us, we must move on from the old.

 

I drove around a little bit tonight, shaking it off, and thinking about what a powerful ritual it would be if we all gathered collectively, on the same day around the world, to Shake It Off. Let it go. And as Florence says, "I'm always dragging that horse around... tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground..."

 I danced in the driver's seat. I threw the devil off my back.

And that's when it hit me like a blast of light.

WE NEED A CEREMONY FOR LETTING GO.

I've created them many times, but never for a large group. And so there came a vision.

Here is how the full moon evening unfolded in my nest from there:

I sat in my studio and put together a Letting Go Kit, which I decided to mail out to each of my Autumn SouLodge sisters the week we begin class on October 31st. It will include the simple ingredients we will need to create a charged-up little container to hold all that we want to release.

The session will end on December 4th, and we will have once again circled around the Medicine Wheel and worked with the elements that have come up for us, looking at where our resistance is, flushing out what wants to come into the light and be expressed and embraced, come face to face with our guides and creature totems, working with them to overcome the obstacles that give us access to Source in a way that is meaningful to each of us. We will have discovered what no longer serves and how we want to proceed. We will declare it.

THEN, when Winter Solstice arrives on December 22nd, we can all take our little packages stuffed with fear, grief, not-enoughness, doubt, rage, disappointment...ALL OF IT to the fire. We will take it to the fire: be it at a roaring bonfire, a fireplace, a chiminea on a deck, or a firesafe bowl in our kitchen sinks, and we will burn those babies up. ALL ON THE SAME DAY, creating an agreement with our sisters around the world to Let It Go. To dance around the sacred fire of our awesomeness and watch our bundles go up in flames! Can you imagine?!

And all just in time for the New Year, which is by no accident, 2012, the year the Mayan calendar beckons us to move into the next dimension of consciousness. The one in which fear, doubt, self-loathing, and not-enoughness, are not needed. They have tried to serve us well as protective forces, however, their time is up. The darkest day of the year is the perfect time to create energy around this letting go. How can we go wrong if we collect all of our desires to release, and do it in sacred, feminine ceremony in the company of hundreds of other women on the cusp of the return of the Light?

Time and again, the image of dancing around a fire comes up for us in journeywork in the Lodge. It is time to make this real!

I was guided to call this The Mother Of All Releasings Ceremony.

I'll make a huge deal out of this on my blog, as well as in my public spaces, I'll provide you with buttons to share at your home sites if you wish, discover a way for those of you who cannot attend Lodge to participate, and share all of the details of how to take advantage of this potential for transformation and make it real. I'll share a video from around a fire to connect us all in this rite of passage on the day of Winter Solstice.

There will be flames. And there will be dancing! And there will be releasing.

This is an exercise in letting go and of binding the medicine. Of owning your power as an intuitive woman, which you do not have to try to be- it is your birthright.

Judgment, guilt, negativity, unkindness to our bodies, shame, stuckness -Mama Earth is always ready to take it from us, and together with the alchemy of fire, make something useful out of it- leaving us free to TRUST that we are so much more than what we needlessly carry around.

We get to take the first steps as a community, TOGETHER, to shake it off, in the Mother Of All Releasings Ceremony, on the upcoming Solstice.

 

***************************************

Thank you to Lauren of VisionWise, for sharing her work so generously with us here. She is offering a 15% discount at her shop using the Coupon Code: INTENTION.

Erica Wilson won the giveaway for the pouch, and she said, "Blessed be this season of release and balance! I wish to let go my belief that I do not deserve the beauty and blessings of my life. I deserve to be loved and can let it all in. I would like to cultivate the belief that I have valuable and beautiful and powerful things to share with the world. Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful. Blessed be our Journey."

I couldn't agree more. Blessed be our journey as women in love with our lives and living our visions.

SouLodge registration is open now and will close on October 24th.

Welcome Magical October and Medicine Giveaway

Thank you all so much for your sweet, wise and supportive comments about Bee and Miles. I am feeling so much stronger for it. I love this community so dearly.

This week I'm super excited to give away this beautiful Forest Sprite deerskin pouch.

Before I get down to business, I also want to mention that there are exactly five card decks left after the Squam raid, and they can be found in my shop now. It'll be a few weeks before the next batch comes in, so grab 'em while they're hot.

Now, it is with proud relief that I announce that there are officially no more medicine bundles available in my shop for sale. Because the good news is that I've evolved into full time teaching of how to discover and create your own medicine by my heart's own hearth, the SouLodge (the Autumn Session is coming up on October 31 and filling quickly). This has felt like the right direction for me to go, as the intensity of new energy among women is building, and Trust that we know our own way is becoming a common language between us. My invitation to you is to accept your own power to go in, dig deep and goldmine for that inner medicine. What is coming up in these sessions (I'm hosting a private one right now, as well) is really astounding, and I'll share some of what women are saying here soon soon.

I've put in a shiny lump of hematite-for magic, reflection, grounding, for removing self-limitation, for confidence building, and soul protection.  And Lauren has graciously offered up a quartz point, which brings an offering of self-healing, removing negative energy, and clarity. I've also included some white sage leaves to bump that purification up a notch further, and really assist in dissolving those aspects that are ready to be released into the psychic compost pile and create room for something new to come into being.

Leave a comment here to enter, and if you feel called to, please share what you would most like to release down into Mama Earth as we pull inward with the changing season- or for those of you who live where Spring is quickening, release up and out into the fresh sky. Check back next Wednesday to see if you're the lucky winner.

So many blessings to all of you, as this fine and magickal month opens up her simmering brew of possibility to us all.

Fear of Bees

A few weeks ago we took Miles to visit a little school in our new town of Ojai called Grounded By Nature. If you're familiar with Jon Young's Coyote's Guide to Connecting to Nature, or Tom Brown Jr., then you'll have a rough idea of where we want to go with our children's education. As soon as we arrived, I fell in love. It's set way back on an 8-acre property, complete with organic farm and a yurt for doing lessons in. The director was charismatic and sweet, as were her two sun-kissed children. For the first ten minutes, it was heaven.

Then, by the little solar-pump pond, Miles was stung by a Bee, and fell into my arms in a heap of sorrow for the remainder of our hour there. I didn't get most of my questions answered and felt helpless in the moment to do anything but try to transform his experience. To be clear, what I mean by that is that I wanted to control it. I really wanted him to move through it so that I could rest assured that this would be the right place for him. The director's daughter harvested yarrow for me to chew up and blob onto his wound. Her son came forth with an offering of clay to draw out the poison, and his story of how he, too, had been brought to his knees by a sting the week prior. Nothing would console my boy. And my gut was doing flips over it.

We left, making apologetic faces and receiving their full sympathy, with a promise to return on parent meeting day to hand in our paperwork and prepare for the school season. In the interim, I researched educational programs, surrendered my ego around conventional academics, agreed with his Dad to continue homeschooling for now, to supplement the loose, playful, exploratory, outdooring, experiential curriculum, and decided that this is what we wanted for him-that it seemed a good match for what his values are and also his love of the natural world.

Two days before meeting day, M came down with the chickenpox. Sign, or obstacle to overcome? My feverish analytics kicked in full force. Having passed on this vaccination and nearly all others, I was glad to see it arrive, as it offered insurance that he'd move through it at an age considered safe on the immune system and one hundred percent immunity from the virus in the future (as opposed to the 80-85% the vac provides, or so I've read). But it meant that he woudn't be able to come to the meeting with me, and wouldn't be able to attend the rapidly approaching first day of school until......"the last scab falls off".

Enter second stage control issues. He won't get to start with his classmates. What if he doesn't feel part of the group as everyone else does? WHAT IF HE FEELS LIKE AN OUTSIDER? What if, what if, what if?

Fear. Overreaction.

It gets better. I'd sent an email to the director the day the blisters appeared, to let her know that I'd be coming alone and that Miles indeed had the pox and were there any policies about contagiousness I should consider before driving two and a half hours to sit in on the meeting. She didn't get it, and so I phoned about twenty minutes out of town to check in and her response was that Oh, shoot, hmmm, dang, I should probably just drop off my paperwork and check, so that everyone else wouldn't have to worry about the satellite possibility of it creeping toward them. I caught her off-guard and then screwed myself. I agreed.

Heightened anxiety and confusion set in.

In that moment, I no longer knew what I needed, I sacrificed my needs to take care of others, I couldn't determine and ask for another solution-such as sitting way out on the sidelines or hanging around town to talk to her afterwards. When I walked away from the sweet circle of parents and children, having humbly slipped my papers under a grinding stone rock, I felt it hit me. I felt sad, angry, powerless. I sat in tears on the dirt road in a line of empty cars losing my shit.

My children had been in my mother's care back in the valley since six-thirty a.m. at a time when I really felt I should be with them. It was a truly frustrating experience and I couldn't let go. I gripped my big feelings like the inside of a boxing glove: I couldn't trust that we'd made the right decision without receiving their presentation. I couldn't trust that he would feel safe among the other children and families without observing them a little bit. It was all about me, and far less about Miles. Kids trust in the best of ways. Why can't I?

All I could do was shuffle to the local coffee roasters joint (because espresso and anxiety go so well together, right?) and sit in the park with a bagel. I came to a pivotal place, where my own trigger-happy immune inhibitors implored me to turn it around. That this was just Another Lesson in Letting Go. That was it-this is what I do. I talk about living in Trust and here I was sitting in it's rival: Fear. I had to make a choice.

My baby turns six tomorrow and I heard clearly as I walked back toward my car, texting a friend from my infant stage of clarity, that I am being asked to (crocodile tears as I write) let him go off into this new realm- to learn to ask for help from others, to find his way, to shine his light, to fail, and to succeed. The chickenpox cleanse, and a new school in a new town is a rite of passage for him. Yet I've failed to see, until now, that it's a rite of passage for me, too.

I got in my car and drove home to my babes. Later that day, the director was extremely apologetic about not helping me determine what it was I needed that day, and she dazzled me with her expert resolution skills- a bit of hand-holding thrown in. But I don't know that I even needed it. I have everything I need to begin, and my healing and transformation has always, and will always, require me to release my fear and take risks.

Coming back to Trust, always feels like coming Home.

Oh, and Bee? That little busy gal simply teaches us all about how to be part of a real community- working together, as a group.

I'm ready now. In order for my pup to grow strong, build immunity, find his community, and come to peace with her medicine, I've got to release my grasp on the only way I've ever known him.

 

Had I been looking, I coulda seen it comin' from a mile away.

 

Lessons In Need

One of the messages that came up for me many times as I prepared for and journeyed to Squam was one of traveling light.

I packed huge boxes of supplies and sacred tools which was far too many, I loaded up on layers of clothing, not knowing how that tricksy New England would feel on my California skin-and true to form it was hot at times and absolutely freezing at others. I didn't want to wear the same jeans under my hempy skirts with my ratty boots that I didn't care if paint fell on, but also wanted to have some spiffy items because ragamuffin is a look that kind of follows me around. Some things are hard to change. Overpacking is somewhat of a disease. My fantasy was that I would ship everything out beforehand, pray the boxes arrived and then just take my little carry-on and save the $50 in baggage check. In the end, I still ended up checking a roller bag.

Another artist and I had a dock chat about all of the stuff we humans carry on our backs from place to place, and it's always been a subject that feels important to keep digging into. I've gone from living in under 900 square feet with a partner, three dogs and two cats to trying to fill up 2200 square feet and never making it to the third floor most days. I've cleaned two and a half bathrooms for more years than I wish to count. And sometimes it feels like a blessing to have squatted on acreage with a trampoline and open space to roam. Other times it feels like too many precious hours are spent tending the grounds and organizing walk-in closets.

My lakeside mate told me of her experience post-Katrina, about seeing an entire town's personal belongings hanging from the trees and filling the streets after water levels floated homes up off of their foundations and left their drawers out in the branches. My heart hurt to think of what we hold onto that will be here long after we are gone, things that will not go back to the Earth anytime soon. So many of us value the fate of the planet, and yet we refuse to surrender what gives us the fleeting and illusory comfort of home. Letting go is my work in this lifetime, on all levels imaginable.

What are we really building?

As we search for a dwelling in Ojai, I'm looking at what another friend/fairy godmother calls *true need*. Do my children really need their own bedrooms and privacy, or would it bond them to share close quarters? Do I need to schlep every shovel, rake and hoe or can I use my hands, hire a gardener? Where do I want to create time and how can I do that by choosing the space that is enough, but not overly maintenence heavy? Do we need three boxes of Christmas decorations, or do I want to vacation away from home during the holidays where the season can be celebrated in communion with my children instead of consumption and waste? What sort of world view do I want them to experience?

I'm even looking at the acrylic paints I use. Those won't be breaking down soon. The wood panels I create on- can I stretch hemp fabric over some branches or scrap wood and make that work? 'Cause I'm really considering it. How will my art change to come into alignment with what is really important to me? I think of Mama Earth and the green woods I just left. How little I needed while I was there feels a little bit Walden and a lot doable.

All these questions and more, as I arrive back with a suitcase that still sits unpacked, empty plastic bottles to recycle, because it's too hard to find a fill-up joint for my kleen kanteen while on the road.

How will the Earth look one hundred years from now because of me and my family? What do we want to make sure we leave behind? What would we like to be assured that we won't leave behind?

Squam, travel, planning a move-they all tie into an opportunity to make the kind of changes I'm yearning for.

He doesn't require much.

Unbound

 

Last night I did a healing on myself at bedtime. I had an old, old issue I needed to experience some more release with and I have a trick I use to perform soul retrieval on myself with (which those of you who are in the SouLodge will get to work with), because sometimes when I need to do some deep inner healing, I don't have time to schedule an appointment with a local practitioner and wait for it. It may require more assistance and deeper work with a trusted healer later, but to begin, I just needed to get the work moving.

As often is the result, I felt a big shift and the thing that was triggering me had a lot less energy behind it. What I think is miraculous is that we get to a point where we are capable of doing much work ourselves. I love to go outside of myself for feedback and help, bodywork, acupuncture, therapy, power conversations within my phone tribe...I've loved the tools I've been able to gather through all of the work I've found myself smack in the middle of, sometimes when I least expected it. Last night's retrieval left me feeling pretty open and clear.

First thing today, I got caught up in a conversation online about labels, judgement, politics, and fear, (and Dennis Hopper, who I never knew spent some time as  Republican, but as the story goes, was both radical and dynamic at the same time. I don't know why I was surprised, knowing wild him). On the heels of my last post, I figured it wasn't an accident that I'd landed here. The powers that be have a strange way of testing me faster than I can say, "One Love".

The messages coming through on many levels is that I'm not comfortable being in boxes, and neither were the women I was having the discussion with, though I got that we're probably polar opposites in the voting booth. Who knows? Maybe not. I didn't give a damn. I wasn't going to sit there under old previous umbrellas and see our differences. I consciously sought to see where we were the same. It wasn't hard to come from an honest place and feel comfortable without being accomodating. And they were doing it, too. It was enlightening and liberating on many levels. Not to go there-to differences. What purpose would it have served?

I've called myself all kinds of things in order to try to get to know myself better, to draw people toward me or distance them from me. This evolution that is taking place, for so many of us collectively, is that when we stand in our power as women, we don't need those ill-fitting garments anymore to protect us. We can trust that if we eat a piece of bacon we won't slide down a slippery slope and become dietarily irresponsible, or environmentally unconscious if we don't by a hybrid vehicle. The need to prove and appear put together- of value to onlookers - starts to wane as our hairs gray and fight for more precious real estate up there where all of the thinking goes on. Surrender to coming of middle age, hence accepting the staff of emotional maturity isn't as grim as it sounds. Think of Georgia O' Keefe, how even in her white-haired days, which is how most of us remember her, she was a wild, free Woman. And naked! She was beautifully unbound.

Many of us have our feet on varying stones of this meditative walk to getting clear, but one thing seems certain: It seems we are willing to become even more comfortable with who we are. There is no need to qualify our choices, offer disclaimers for the shape our homes are in, do it all right in the outer world, get the thumbs up for our casseroles.

There is bigger work to be done in the inner world, which in turn manifests more boldly in the outer. It's a long process, and each time the road rises up, I find I'm ready to meet it. When a piece of me feels like it's gone missing, I want to go back and rescue it and bring it back in, my way.

This old Earth moves and evolves so slowly, so patiently, rhythmically. My hope is that we can learn to be kind during our transitions, as she is. That we can create with intention and purpose, but without expectation to look like something that others might find agreeable. It's not about being ambivalent about what others think-rather it's putting what a woman thinks about *herself* first.

Ours is the heart we have to heal.

No ribbon, please.

 

Fractional People With One Connected Heart

I had a completely different post planned for today, but things change.

I used to hang with a peculiar woman when I lived high in the mountains who told such good and long-winded stories, all at a mile a minute. One day when we happened upon each other spontaneously, as folks do in small villages, we spent the afternoon doing a tour of the many park benches in the village while her kids ran wild and we rubbed our big, fat pregnant bellies. We were due a week apart, me with Miles, and she with her baby girl. We were seeing the same midwife and had lots to review.

We got onto the subject of our ethnicities, which are both a typical American mix of a little bit of everything. I told her that I was a percentage of Native American and she told me that she was part, too. She threw back her head and guffawed her full, open-mouthed, potent laugh, and made a very good point about being only a fraction of a person. About her people being counted as a three fifths of a person to gain electoral seats. About how we were all once considered a fraction rather than a whole. At some point in time, she wagered confidently, "even white folk".

We made particularly female conversation that day, about feeling whole, walking whole, shaking off the notions that our little pieces really mattered at all. While both of us felt proud and connected to our heritages, and the trials our specific family stories spoke to, we decided then and there, babies in bellies, that we would not walk the road as a fraction. That we would embrace all. We recognized the suffering of all peoples at different times in history and opened our hearts in the clean mountain air to the teachings that any person would bring. To break the generational legacies of suffering, by leaving our own comfortable, familial stereotypes behind in order to truly open ourselves to healing, and pass that down to our children. It was a mothers' pact to expand our collective heartspace. In a strange way, it felt like setting our ancestries free on the wild wind so we could really experience connection to one love.

I heard that she had her baby at home about a week after I gave birth to Miles at home. We've not run into each other since I moved down the hill, but these lessons we shared I'll treasure forever. I don't think I even absorbed the full effect of our conversation until the last year or so. Finally trusting the truth of how we want to live this gift of life seems not unlike tree roots finding their way to a water source so deep that they no longer need to be fed by a hose.

We are all native to some place. The ancestors behind us all came from some connected people, and seem to share uncanny aspects of ritual and ceremony. Doing this work touches that sacred place, where we who love the Earth remember that time. The time before differences, before so many colors, shapes and sizes began to pull us apart from each other's hearts. It's a lovely time to be alive and to see the sameness.

To see the same full moon from each village and city around the globe.

To feel the heartbeat of the Earth and know that it is the Mother Beat, the one we all share.

 

 

It Takes Instagram. I Mean a Village!

I came down with some kind of wicked tummy bug last weekend and it just about ruined a perfectly good week. An appointment with my acupuncturist determined that I must take copious amounts of "cleansing" herbal tea pills. The drama and pain was soon over and I felt much better in no time.

Still, I had to cancel a date on Friday with a friend, which we made up for with a two-hour phone call full of all kinds of catching up and also, Big Plans. Then, I consoled myself further by purchasing iPhones for Brandon and I, and got immediately sucked into the drug-like, cosmic vortex known as Instagram. Before I get caught up in singing it's praises, I want to make sure you know how to find me: pixiecampbell. I know that many of you do not do Instagram, so here are some of my weekend captures:

  Unsuspecting victims of my new toy.

It's an addiction, really, and it came at the perfect time, when I suddenly needed yet another distraction.

However, the really big news is not that I've come late to the iPhone party. The really spectacular news that I've been holding on to for weeks is that we are making a gentle transition out of California's Central Valley. And down and over to California's Central Coast.

It's a dream come true for us.

And we thought we already lived where the food comes from.

We'll be moving over the course of the year, with Brandon heading down first to begin working in his new position, and the children and I will follow no later than year's end. I have a project I have to finish up here, so we'll be visiting him mid-week for a few days and he'll be back on the weekends. It sounds crazy, but this is the kind of thing we're apt to do when we're co-creating magic with the universe. Now I have to tell you about magical Ojai.

Ojai is a lovely little art town nestled in the Ojai Valley, surrounded by the Los Padres National Forest, about twenty minutes from the seaside, and 40 minutes south of Santa Barbara. It was a very easy YES for us. An opportunity for Brandon presented itself and we've been trying on all of the possibilities and proceeding thoughtfully, knowing full well that if we could make it work, we would. We've loved our visits there and it's been on our dream list for ages.

The residents have fruit trees and magnificent gardens all over their yards, and local food is served in many of the restaurants, and sold in the beautiful marketplaces.

Ojai is one of those little villages that's very community-rooted, nature-absorbed, active, and peaceful. It has a lovely consciousness about it, with art and music at every turn, great schools for Miles and Ivy, and room for us to expand our hearts and our visions. Plus it's laid back, lush, and freaking BEAUTIFUL.

It's funny, we moved to Bakersfield over four years ago with every intention of leaving as soon as possible. Only in the last year or so, have I had to cut my hometown some slack. Things have been working very well here for us. Being here has given me an opportunity to experience many much-needed healings with my parents, and I knew when I came here my feet would be to the fire about that. But as I've softened and opened, so have they, and the work I came here to do with them has reached completion for now.

This home has been a safehaven. This crazy valley has unexpectedly been a place of healing, renewal, courage, possibility. My parents have given us so much support, helping us to create a home for our children and build something lovely for our family.

And the Universe! Something I learn time and again is that I suffer when I want something before it's time. This has been another teaching in surrender, loving what is in front of me, and doing the work I am meant to do. I am learning deeply, on so many levels, what it means to trust that all change comes just at the right time. That there is no need to push the Earth through her orbit by obsessing. That the wheel is turning all by itself. It's also a lesson in naming what I want in detail, and then stepping back, letting go, and confidently honoring my deepest human intent while it unfolds in right time. That's my job, and it's all I can do.

I love this world. I love this experience of being alive. Not because I am lucky or things are going our way, but because it teaches me. It teaches me to trust.

 

 

Terra Incognita

Seems I've been a pioneer since the day I was born. One of my grandparents' teachings, by way of their legacy of migrant farmworking, is learning to trust the unknown. The thought of it makes so many of us shrink back. An old medieval cartography term used was HIC SVNT DRACONES, or "Here be dragons".

The worst of the beasts, of course, are found in my mind, and so creating a habit of dismissing them to pasture seems to help me put one brave foot in front of the other.

I feel surrounded by heart-expansionists everywhere; how can anyone feel alone with this sense of collective courage? Now that so much of the outer world has been discovered, claimed...flagged, the next level is goldmining that fourth chakra. Testing it's colors.

Violet Flame, by Laurie of primalpainter.

I sat down to write about expansionism, about growing my vision as an artist, taking on homeschooling, moving into a studio space downtown...I generally come here to share what's going on in my head and heart, but I think what wants to be shared is simply the potential for the human heart to grow.

I wrote last about squeezing through the eye of a needle, and let me tell you, I did not see that coming. I'd put some layers of protection around my heart over the years regarding a very tender matter and I really never saw it coming off. I didn't see it needing to come off. I envisioned moving forward, but with these petals wrapped securely around. Some of the feelings were of disappointment, fierce independence, heartache, closed doors, lack of connection, soul loss, impossibility, doneness, fear, (I'm getting all weepy as I go through them) guardedness. I had not been specific about what I wanted for many years, and the universe and I were experiencing some static in our transmissions to each other. I'd sacrificed something I hadn't intended to by not being clear, and my heart showed me that it was hurting because of it. Hearts tell us everything we need to know, of course, but they can be so softspoken, lost among the brain's loud directives, in my case.

I'm still in a sort of shock about how the wind suddenly changed direction as soon as I named what I wanted out loud. All I'd been clutching had to burn to the ground right in front of me. That catalog of grievances had become part of me, comfortable, familiar. I unconsciously didn't want to release them, because they would take my protection with them when they left. But I wasn't meant to walk through life armored, even in rose petals or a really awesome poncho. I believe I am meant to risk more and that requires naked vulnerability. Each day I practice, I become a bigger fan of it. I do feel raw, and I do have to assess whether to put on a very temporary cloak in order to pass through a doorway, but it's as if I've already decided to immediately remove it once I'm through. Is this making any sense or am I just being too damn cryptic?

Walking into and through the unknown is a very personal and private frontierism. Dragons, lions...they are all still here breathing hotly at me. I am not fearless. What I want to say is that I am going forward in my life with a host of wonderful things-amazing creations and new space that I can't wait to share with you.

But what is flowing out today from my bubbling stream of consciousness is the message that will perhaps be woven into a more colorful story someday, one of dropping all that covers my heart in order to be green. Willingly ignorant.

Blissfully foolish.

Wild.

 

 

Turn to the Harp

There was a time when I was all about doing it right. When I had no other tools other than thinking it through, writing it down, hashing it out, forming opinions, making a decision and going for, or against it.

Again with this turning forty business- is it just me? Or is there a whole life that exists between the lines of logic?

photo by Terri Fischer.

Outside of helping my business test it's wings, paying the DMV their dues, and occasionally checking on my children's hygeine, I find myself hanging onto reason by a neglected thread. Books with decidedly un-western tales of where the divine feminine is hiding seek me out, and it is into these realms that I sail, diving deeper than ever into the place where there is no push, and even fewer answers.

When one side of human nature grows out of balance with the other, it becomes a tyranny on the soul. That is the tyrant Duke Morgan. It drives its complimentary opposite into the unconscious. That is Blanchefleur. But the unconscious will not tolerate this kind of imbalance; we have already learned that the greatest force in the psychic universe is the demand for completion, for wholeness, for balance. The feminine will return. Across the seas, Iseult is waiting. And when Iseult comes, the self-satisfied patriarchal world will never be the same.   --WE, Robert Johnson.

I read a thread of opinions recently that brought into sharp focus how removed I'm becoming from...well, strong opinions! As odd as that may sound. I did not even know how to respond or chime in. I think I would have had plenty to say about a subject like this a few years ago, but I checked in with myself and came up with...yep, nothing.

I'm not trying to come up with nothing. I'm really not. I see myself as having been overidentified with my own inner masculine (animus) for so long, that though I'm not trying to reject this part of myself- but rather bring it into balance with my healthy feminine aspects- at this point in time I have very little use for it. Perhaps because I'm gestating a big project? Maybe. It's quite like being pregnant again and reminds me of how ambivalent I've felt, even at election times-which used to get a hot rise out of me before I had children.

When we moved to the Central Valley of California four years ago, I was full of fear. It was all my rednecked, oil-field laden, pesticided, anti-creative, dustbowl nightmares come true. But something strange has happened, as I've come to realize that where I live is more like the rest of the world than the hidden hippie mountain communities I wish I lived in. What I think I'm learning is that the world needs the kind of healing that isn't happening through politics or lobbying. What I'm learning is that I'm surrounded by people who WANT to heal and who ARE healing, despite appearances that have long left me feeling suspiciously otherwise. Perhaps this is why I don't have many opinions anymore. Basically, I've learned that I don't know shit. *Logically* know.

On another level completely, the deepest recesses of Self that we can touch inside of us, a marriage is trying to take place. The lost and knowing feminine is calling up, and she is dark, mysterious, silent, and ocean wave-like. She is transmuting poison, transforming shadows, applying the salves of the ancients, reminding us that to begin in our own injured hearts is to allow the medicine to trickle out effortlessly. It requires a kind of trust that has, in the past, made me very uncomfortable, because I am a big ole control freak. I've had trouble having faith that I'm protected from within. But I think I'm getting it now. The control freak seems to be a one dimensional warrior who misses his queen and is drenched in longing for her to rejoin him. She is Deep Trust, and she is Unwavering Faith, and she has been all but missing for the first half of my life.

No wonder I'm so eager to embrace her.

Each of us needs the sword power. There are times when we need to be logical and analytical. At times, we must be assertive and strong. But there are also times when neither logic nor force will avail; then we need to turn to the harp.  --WE, Robert Johnson.

 

photo by Stacy de la Rosa.

burning woman*

i'm too tired to capitalize, i'm sorry, friends. my beltane weekend away brought so so much teaching, movement and unexpected growth. best moments were cackling it up under the stars around a fire with some amazing women who traveled a long way to play with me and my local wild women. most surprising was coming home a day early to tend to my own homefire.

here is a photo journal of some of my favorite moments...

the day began with picking up my cohorts and going out for the absolute BEST veggie burgers and fries ever in the world at r&d, on montana ave. in santa monica. if you're in the neighborhood, do not pass them up. the food is magical. i wish i'd snapped the mascarpone and berries for you to drool over.

 

terri working her henna skillz on kirsten.

and again on julie...

 

beach shenanigans, which involved wine drinking and cheerleading jumps in the ocean.

terri, kirsten and julie.

photo by terri

altar building

talking stickin'

tarot card readin'

it was a weekend of laughter and merriment, but also one of deep emotional processing and exhaustion. it is said that beltane is all about fertility, may day, as it were. i would say we covered some pretty fertile territory, unearthed some deep roots, shifted our perspectives and learned a lot about what we have to let go. what i tried to bear in mind on this adventure was to know what i needed and ask for what i want. isn't that sometimes the hardest thing to do? to claim what's already yours-and to stand in the confidence of that decision?

i plan to go camping (or glamping as one husband had referred to it, as his wife journeyed toward) each beltane and for every natural holiday that i possibly can. i love that there is purpose in these days that mark mid-spring and solstices, that there is a history there to add to the toolkit for growing and learning. sometimes the lesson is to sit still and stop growing! and i embrace those teachings, too, as i tend to get easily obsessed with movement. however, this time movement swept me up and away without warning, and through the eye of a very small needle.

i hope that your holy day of fires on the mountain found you releasing the old and making way for the new, in one way or another, dramatically or softly.

Hunger

It was hunger sent the young bird into the palm tree
I saw his too-large shadowed figure and klee-klee'd,
Metallic, in my best mother Kestrel
He fell for it, inexperienced fellow,
Flew out and perched atop the pole, studying down at me.
I lectured him on the ethics of egg-stealing,
Invited him to hunt my pasture for mice as the others do,
Work up to ground squirrels, even.
A nobler pursuit than thieving to survive
Why not flourish!
I left him there after a long while,
Wondering the same for me.

for Quick and Dirty Poetry, Maya Stein's most excellent Feral Writing e-class.

As I've been receiving the prompts for Quick and Dirty each day, I've had to circle above and dive down on them, not even having the thirty minutes each to spend on a poem. Sometimes I have only five or ten minutes.

This is good, it's unruly and raw, and it gives me the opportunity to trust what comes forth. I realized this week, in responding to Maya's e-prompts, that when it comes to creativity, I no longer want to know structure. Wild is all I know. Coming to this work as a Recovering Domestic, I know that I could follow the rules, but have rewired myself in order to sink deeply into my own bones of expression, which has made all the difference. I appreciate this process much more.

Rhythm without rhyme.

Feral.

Hummingbird

I have been inundated with custom work since opening myself up to doing it. It takes so much time, but oh my goddess...it's so fulfilling. Each one is a crash course in doing a reading for someone, and making relationships between allied plants, stones, animals and energies to create a little healing companion, basically-one who manifests movement and change, in addition to acting as salve on the wounds that prevent us from going forward.

I want to share this one with you, because it really has opened my heart.

HUMMINGBIRD

*The medicine of this bundle is about the patient healing of the heart, releasing negative energy, and the art of gentle and focused movement. It teaches how to appreciate the beauty in every moment.


It contains:

A pinch of organic tobacco, a traditional offering to the Spirits.

A chunk of sweetgrass is for purification of negative opinions, sweet positive vibrations, a pleasant relationship with the Self, and as a prayer for healing. Sweetgrass serves as a reminder of the eternal and spiritual beauty within us all.

St. Johns Wort is for chronic conditions of pain, nervous exhaustion, emotional depression, stress, anxiety and fear. In cases of nerve trauma and myalgias, it calms the cycle that creates persistent dis-ease.

Milk Thistle is primal and detoxifying nourishment. It self-seeds with it's light, fluffy seedheads, spreading healing everywhere it goes. Milk thistle is a medicinal food. It breaks down bile, decongests the liver, and clears out obstructions. It is used for melancholy and despondency, targeting emotions of the spleen, which is commonly associated with anger and frustration. It lingers in the 3^rd chakra, or power center to help with eliminative functions and processing of toxins. It is a herb which is indicated in serious cases where a patient is seriously ill or facing death. It's claim to fame is curing various types of poisonings.

Raw emerald is for infinite patience and protection. The Crystal Bible says that emerald is the stone of successful love, that it is life-affirming, keeps a partnership in balance, and brings about domestic bliss and loyalty. This could mean with a literal partner or within. It opens the heart chakra, calms the emotions, eliminates negativity, enhances psychic abilities, and opens us to clairvoyance. It is a protective stone which strengthens the character to overcome the misfortunes of life. It is helpful in cases of claustrophobia and enhances the ability to live life to the fullest.

Hummingbird has flown into this bundle to demonstrate his brilliant technique of hovering above a situation to observe the beauty of it. He drinks the nectar of life from every possible flower, never missing an opportunity to experience the sweet beauty of his world. His flight, though rapid in wing movement, is gentle and fairy-like, bringing magic to the bird kingdom with his uniqueness. He comes to remind us in times of hardship that we can always see beauty, we just have to look a bit harder than when we are literally surrounded by it at all times. His movement is energized, focused, and calculated. He promises to be with us when it is most difficult to appreciate the NOW. While forward movement is guaranteed, Hummingbird specializes in the beauty of the present moment.

 

 

Doorways

Wherever I roam, I find that I come home with photos of doors. The older and more weathered, the better. The attraction must have something to do with my willingness to walk into something new, risky. It takes trust, and I'm big on that right now.

This may be one reason why I love Lisa Field-Elliot's website...it reads and feels like an invitation to trust the process of this adventure-filled life.

When I went to a poetry evening with Maya Stein last year, she spoke frequently of, "the way in." As creators, we are searching for a way in. Access. Travel from the outside to the inner rooms, realms, secret closets, attics and pantries. Where the fertile soil lies hidden.

Not knowing what is on the other side, we've all found ourselves standing outside the proverbial doorway (to more information, if not the answer) wondering whether we want to know what lies beyond the click of the knob.

What I'm imagining, more now than before, is not to gain understanding or to comprehend my experiences, which are of the past as soon as they've happened. I've hopefully given up that fruitless pursuit. But to find a way to thrive amidst whatever lies behind the threshold I choose to walk through. I seek acceptance that can be discovered, received, without an intellectual bludgeoning needing to take place. To *move with fluidity* beckons through these days of young babes, new work, different levels of energy, than I had ten years ago. It feels particularly feminine to trust this and to let go the analytics.

I carry with me to my bed-nest tonight hope not to repeat the mistakes that initiated me into this complicated adulthood-and when I do, to softly thread myself back into the weft of thriving life without seamripping myself in the process.

Each road I travel, there is a doorway at every turn.

That's a bounty of metaphor for one post.

 

Spiral Slide

When I arrived at a recent destination, I relished the serendipity of what this point in my life feels like most often. I'd previously thought fifty was midlife, but now I realize that the center of the see-saw where I currently sit is the midpoint for me. It represents the apex of my lifetime of experiences thus far. While I hope to live far longer than eighty years old, there is something about the completion of fours that has me swirling into fives and landing smack in the center.

Five is the symbol of humans and of our sensory life. It often represents the opportunity to change direction. As a midpoint, it can denote mediation and adaptation. Fives can also signal a time of testing, and the presence of an inner struggle that will soon require a decision. They can encourage us to direct our sensory input and feelings into actual creative projects, or suggest that we regard our lives or activities from a more positive, satisfying perspective. Will we take advantage of the opportunity or continue to define reality in the same way as before? -Spiritual Tarot

Symbols of the crossroads are popping up all around me, to the point at which I just smile at each one. What else can I do but acknowledge that it feels as though I'm in the middle of a physics experiment?

I am most certainly feeling tested, in all areas of my life. I am absolutely struggling against tides that would pull me out of my ground and into the deep blue. I experience the full range of confounded to enlightened so many times in a day, that I often feel like I'm on a pre-menopausal ferris wheel at a carnival in the Bermuda Triangle.

I stopped at my favorite spot on the *central* coast on my way home to wander the shores, where at last visit, Ivy was soon to be born, as my belly was peaking at full moon.

The treasure that found me, like so many from the sea, spoke of the neverending cycle with no beginning and no end.  It showed me that the midpoint is really not a quantifiable place on a line, but a fleeting moment of joy on a spiral slide to be discovered over and over. It reminded me, in it's luminescense, of the color and light to be found all along the way from here to there and back again.

Hands in the air, I am determined to make the most of this ride.

Smudging the New Den

photo by fellow Traveler, Lisa Field-Elliot

It's very exciting to me that so many of you are asking for more details about smudging and creating sacred space in your environments. If you didn't see the first video, which covered a little bit of information on smudging, check it out here.There are also a few resources for smudge sticks listed in that post.

One question is whether one should smudge her apartment before she moves her things in or after. If it were me, I would like to smudge the empty nest first. I take my shell or bowl, light the smudge stick (I'd definitely use white sage in a new dwelling) until it's burning nicely, then blow out the flame so that the dried herbs are smoking. You can use your hand or a big feather to fan the smoke up into all of the corners of each room, and into the cabinets and closets.

Here are some awfully pretty fans that I found on Etsy by searching for "smudge fan". The legal-use feathers used are painted to resemble eagles and hawks and look nice and big. I also like the looks of these. You could just as easily make your own. Wonderful feathers are sold at pow wows, as well as Etsy, or you may have a local farm that will allow you to collect.

Aside: Be forewarned, if you are planning to purchase a fan from this seller, that she is indeed selling real migratory and predator bird feather fans from Australia, and U.S. Migratory Bird Laws do not allow the sale or purchase of feathers from protected species (almost all birds except some fowl, I believe). Fines for buying, selling or even carrying a migratory bird feather are in the thousands of dollars. Risky business. I don't mean to be a boo-bird while up there flaunting my Hawk wing.

What smudging does is clears the existing energy out, especially in corners and small spaces in which it tends to gather and stagnate. Smudging also acts as a prayer of blessing and intention in a new space where you hope to thrive.

The photo above was snapped by a friend I visited this weekend. After we'd done a fair bit of unloading of our hearts and before we headed out to breakfast and back to our families, we smudged ourselves and her altar. I think of it like a reset button. I joke to friends sometimes that if I get pulled into negative energies online that I have to smudge my computer screen. I actually do it, believe it or not. I can feel negative energy sticking on me like stinky perfume!

Good luck smudging, goddesses. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do.

 

 

 

Road Warriors: More Lessons From Dogs

Willow: Luxuriates in the freedom to be an open book.

Willow accompanies me in the car on my daily trips to the post office, and most of the time Hank, too, if he feels up to having his tired bones lifted and loaded. But Morgie is another story. She does not cotton to getting into the car.

Hank: Oblivious that he's 98 in dog years and living it up.

When I found her, she was lounging on the roadside, awaiting her pick-up. Dogs hanging about in this neighborhood, though, come in on a one-way ticket only. I would have to be her next best thing.

I decided to haul her slinky rump up into the cargo area today with Willow, just to see if she'd be open. It crossed my mind that every dog I know has loved to Go For a Ride, so perhaps her trust was so disrupted by being abandoned that it will take a bit of time to show her that it will always be a round-trip with me. Soon enough, she got sucked in by the hype and hung her head out the window, and barked at a few passersby. She seemed proud when we arrived back at the gate, and even moreso as the beneficiary of treats and praise to the tune of, "Who's my brave girl?? Who? You are! You are!" and more dog-loving talk that would cost most of you a headache in eyerolling.

By the way she behaves each time I open the hatch, I don't know if she would have ever gone for it without the firm nudge. Too scary, too hurtful- the abandonment wired in her so completely that she did not have any interest in following the lemmings over the edge, even though each day they return tongue-wagging, kings and queens of the road.

All afternoon and into this evening I've been thinking about how our experiences wire us. We can begin to expect a certain failure each time we set out to:

*try something risky

*name our dream

*fall in love again

*move to a new location

*outgrow a behavior

Sometimes that wiring leads me straight, but most of the time it doesn't. It's just a set up to get pulled asunder by unconscious paranoia.

I studied Morgan's apprehension and fear, recognizing that I had to force her to try this, asking her to betray her right instinct, in order to allow it to transform and create a new bond between us, and a new joy for her.

Taking a risk and overcoming doubt takes courage. Beginning again, as so many of us do in so many ways, can either be colored by fear or it can be a rainbow of possibility.

I've been practicing laying down my sword and embracing a transformation back to divine feminine ways, and that has come with a lot of resistance. What I often want to do is slice my way through every obstacle that stands in my way, but instead I am asking myself to sit in a place of patience and reflection in order to honor the re-wiring process that wants to occur without pushing it. There are days when it's easy to do and others in which I become absorbed by workaholism, riding the caffeine train, and brandishing my sword around above my head like Joan of Arc.

The lesson here for me is again about trust. Trust that I will find my way, even when I'm smackdab in the middle of taking risks. Trust that the answers are contained within me waiting for the right moments for light to rain down and release them. Trust that I am protected, if only by my own teeth and fur, and my willingness to explore deeply, in order to unearth the truth.

Morgan: Cautious, yet curious and open to love again.

Nor a Cage

 

Hawk has been one of my favorite allies to work with since I started studying shamanism almost a decade ago. They're quite common to spot, it seems everyone has some kind of relationship with this mighty bird. What peeved me so much in the beginning about this solar king is that his messages seem to elude me by asking me to be responsible! How dare he! Each time one would whiz across my patio, hunt my pasture, or perch above the road as I drove by, I would curse it, because I knew that whatever I was toiling with in that moment would only be resolved by going inward for the difficult answer, and not the easy one on the surface.

Hawk has shown up in several of my paintings because I'm constantly turning over the notion of honing the intution. It's become a mantra of mine, and I reckon it's due to the fact that I have become more trusting of my own inner guidance. When he comes around, waving his giant wingspan at me, I know that I'll soon be asked to make a decision or seek clarity about a matter.

Angelica is the herb inside of the bundle above, nesting along a boulder of beautiful blue sodalite. Both of them felt so good in my hands. Angelica smells earthy and a bit like licorice root. Her message was for the seer, in favor of the intuition, of dreamtime. She is akin to St. Michael and I've always made a connection between Hawk and St. Michael, and now I have something to go on.

Have you ever had an issue and had to "sleep on it"? My friend and I were just speaking about our tendencies to allow some of our issues to resolve in the dreamtime. He and I both agreed that some things have to come from so deep within, that we cannot even be awake lest we intervene with the process. There is a sweet freedom that comes with letting the inner wisdom do the work. As I keep hearing myself say aloud, I trust this process.

I so enjoy exploring my relationships with the creatures, and as I make new friends with the Stone People and Plant People, I welcome you to come along and share and learn, too. Mama Earth is so rich with teachings, I feel blessed to live on this beautiful planet with all of them and you, too.

 

I will not be clapped in a hood,

Nor a cage, nor alight upon wrist,

Now I have learnt to be proud

Hovering over the wood

In the broken mist

Or tumbling cloud.

 

-from The Hawk by William Butler Yeats