Pink Coyote

Wild Food: Adventures in Foraging and Cooking with Earth Skills

Sourcing and eating wild food really opens your eyes, your mind and heart, in fact, your whole being, to a deep appreciation of and connection to the natural world around you! 

--Fergus the Forager

Wild Nettle Pie

I'm nuts about foraging. Our property is covered in nettles, mallow, dandelion, black sage, lavender, and clover, as well as seasonal flowers and fruit trees. I've enjoyed plucking and munching straight from the Earth- making teas, smoothies, and paving the way for more complicated dishes from this ungovernable lot of what are typically viewed as weeds.

I was gifted Guide to Wild Foods in 2003, when I had the opportunity to work for a CA native seed company, and I've clutched it ever since. It is a beautiful basic companion with good drawings and easy language for beginners. And doesn't Wild Table look tempting? It is becoming more simple to add fresh food to our diets as we learn how to identify, harvest and prepare what is sprouting up all around us: plant medicine cleverly disguised as visual flora.

Earth Skills, in my backyard at the foot of the Los Padres Nat'l Forest, gives my family a thrilling chance to learn more about how we can nibble off of the land. Located in our old neck of the woods, Frazier Park, CA, Jim Lowery and his charming wife, Mary, lead Visionquests and survival weekends in the spirit of Tom Brown, Jr. and Wilderness Awareness. I sprang at the chance to prepare local wild foods with them over the weekend.

Wild Rice with Mountaintop Currants

Lemon Pine Nut Muffins

My favorite part of our day together was grinding acorns into flour. I've always wanted to know how to address the issue of tannins, as some books make it sound like a complex process. It was as easy as cracking open the acorns on the grinding stone, tossing the funky ones aside and food processing them into a fine flour. We started with dried Valley Oak acorns, that the team had harvested locally last Fall.

My team ground up our acorns and then poured about a gallon of cold water over them to leach out the tannins, and then spread the wet meal out on a cookie sheet to dry in the sun.

Acorns can be purchased, but there are so many varieties, that most of us have one kind or another growing at the edges of town. The best time to harvest is usually in September. Our recipe for Orange Acorn Bread called for a blend of wheat flour and acorn flour, but when I make it next, I'm going to sub oat flour for wheat. I like it's earthy, gritty quality.

Cooking in a hall with a dozen people coordinating a dozen different dishes had a soup-kitchen vibe, and a Thanksgiving spirit. I was paired with two guys-a park ranger/naturalist from Ventura County and a fellow from San Jose who teaches urban youth how to interact with the wild. I learned so much just from our chats while we were up to our elbows in acorn mush. It was awesome.

In addition to the Wild Nettle Pie, another team made Nettle Soup. It was really easy to make and everyone loved it. Nettles are rich in vitamin C and Iron, and can be used wherever you would use spinich or dense greens.

Cream of Nettle Soup with Potatoes

(as shared by Jim and Mary Lowry of Earth Skills, with slight modifications)

1 lb. fresh nettles

1/2 lb potatoes

1 leek, white part only

3 1/4 tsp butter

1 3/4 c. water

1/3 c. cream

Melt butter over medium heat and sautee leeks until soft. Add potato and water and cook until tender. Blanche raw nettles until tender and stir into soup. Puree in blender, returning the mixture to pan. Add cream, season with salt and pepper.

I'm going to experiment with this recipe until it reaches nirvana. It's very close to it- however, I think it might be yearning for some crumbled turkey bacon...

Big Mama Gaia offers her bounty to us each season. Receiving from her inspires me to think about all of the ways I want to thank Her.

Spring Equinox + BOGO Print Sale + Last Week to Register for SouLodge

The Spring Equinox is this week on March 19th at 10:14 p.m. here on the west coast. We'll be celebrating Ivy Tallulah's third birthday. Our little vernal queen has chosen to go to Disneyland, which is not exactly my idea of heralding Spring in a ritual way, but this is what we're doing. The year she turned one was my favorite, as celebrations go.

Needless to say, I am putting invisibility spells on all of the princess gift shops as a pre-emptive tactic to spare my daughter the models of flimsy feminine archetypes. I haven't got much time before it finds her somehow! A mama can try.

I'll be creating some ceremony the following weekend, and likely all the way through the Beltane, the fiery time of mid-Spring when the earth is wild and fully alive. For ideas about celebrating Spring Equinox, slip over here and have a listen to some pre-Lodge audio. This season is packed more than any other with animal teachers, meaningful handcrafts, and spirited creative guidance to keep you inspired all season. Registration closes this Friday, so if you're feeling the call, sister, get on over.

In other news, there is a BOGO sale going on in my shop all week on fine art prints. When you purchase a print, tell me in the notes to seller which additional print you would like me to send you.

Yay! Spring! I'm going outside to play with my family now. Look what they've discovered while I was creating this post!

Spring Equinox + March 17th Tele-Lounge

The Equinox is coming and it's a very special day around here because my baby girl will be turning three, just as our part of the world wakes up to the first day of Spring.

We typically celebrate the Equinox by planting seeds and imagining what it is we are manifesting for the rest of the year. If ideas are in their "egg state" now, what will they look like when they hatch in a short time? When they've made a stronger kinship to life as we know it?

We'll be exploring some of these questions of the East in SouLodge beginning on April 2nd, and if you plan to register by March 15th, or already have, join me for a sweet telelounge on Saturday March 17th at 10am PST to hear about some ways to celebrate and integrate the messages of Spring Equinox into your Lodge experience. Watch your inbox for details :)

Spring is associated with Rabbit for reasons sometimes forgotten. However, I hold her dear because I've come to know her as one who utilizes her creativity in order to survive. This is how I feel-I love to bring creative pieces and projects to life because this process, for me, is life-giving.

bunny studies in progress

Sitting outside today, it was noisier than ever. Birds of all kinds, hawks dipping, soaring and screeching, squirrels scuttling about, bees buzzing...the Earth is waking up again. I am so excited to see what sort of hay can be made with all of this beautiful sunshine.

Den-like Depths & Nesty Heights

photo by Brandon Campbell

Searcher, there is no road. We make the road by walking. --Antonio Machado

The light is making it's way back and the post-release hangover wore off in no time. It's been so energizing to read all of the posts that came in, to know that energy was being raised, consciousness committed to, and women and families in circle around the fire were gathering everywhere. Mission accomplished! When I birthed the idea many months ago, I had no idea how the video would be made, much less received. It was loaded over 25,000 times, which exceeded my dream to be amazed, by far. Thank you to all of you who embraced this ritual, some of you for the very first time.

It takes so much courage to create the road by walking.

Snuggling in with my babies for Christmas, I was reminded of just how little it takes for a young mind to be amazed. It's not even their dream to be amazed, and yet, it's so simple for them. For Miles and Ivy- being together, making platters of food, seeing Santa's cookie with a big bite taken out of it, being in awe at the lights and the laughter, pecking out Silent Night on the keyboard, having everyone in their tribe circled around them...I could see the wonder of celebration all over their faces-excitement for life seeping out of their skin.

Marking special occasions ceremoniously has a tremendous impact on the young and young-at-heart. Tribes of all cultures have been burning fires, even Solstice fires, for millennia. As I've taken the work of SouLodge narrower and deeper, into what it really means to connect to the Earth and the seasons, it becomes evermore clear that we are all connected by a distinct thread. This very tribe of rebellious moms, creative spirits and wild women burns so brightly that the thread is unmistakable, and oh-so-powerful.

The Four Season Pass has sold out of it's limited quantity-but there are still seats open for Winter SouLodge. I hope you'll take your commitment to connect and circle to new den-like depths and nesty heights with the howling pack, where we'll be focusing on deep restoration and care of Self and Earth during the quiet time of year, before bursting into bloom in the meadows of Spring.

Ivy holds down the heartbeat of mama Gaia.

 

Solstice Goodness: Keeping the Fire Burning

It's a blessing like no other to feel so connected to you all this Solstice. As I sat tending fire from sundown until sunrise this morning (intermittently snatching catnaps), I felt immersed, trancelike, in prayer for many hours. I called in the four directions for guidance and protection around the fire, walking the wheel around the firepit. It's with so much gratitude in my heart that I stand in the sunshine today, knowing how many have been affected in this community by the Mother of All Releasings Ceremony. Thank you for doing it your way, creating your own, inviting your tribes, putting the call out to people in your community that you may not even know well, and having the courage to be positive Lightbringers at a time when dark energies attempt to cling. Stepping into a new paradigm of consciousness can be as simple as choosing it in this moment, or as ritualized as days of preparation and a roaring fire to commemorate the occasion in which you let go of your burdens. Whichever way you have chosen to celebrate-thank you for choosing the Light. There is so much fun and creation to be had in 2012.

Here are some warm and yummy Solstice related posts for you to enjoy:

Creative Living Experiment

Gypsy Forest

rich hippie farm

Owning My Truth

Deeper Than All Roses

Love and Light

One More Time

Owl & Crow

Goddess Guidebook

Journey by Lampelight

 

 

 

 

 

Women In Circle: THE MOTHER Of ALL RELEASINGS CEREMONY

Thank you to everyone who made this video come to life. My hope is that it brings vitality and energy to your Solstice ceremony, sacredness to your season, Trust in your process, and a shared belief with the women who participated that Women deserve a circle.

Ritualizing release is a way to "bind the medicine" of moving beyond the past, the pain, the obstacles, the resistance, the old traps, the excuses. I'm so grateful to lead us into the new year and into the flames to be rebirthed for 2012.

Please share this ritual in your tribe, with your family and friends, or enjoy it in sacred solitude. If you share the video with your online tribe, please comment here so that I can enter you into the giveaway for one of two seats in the Winter Session of SouLodge. It is my gift and pleasure to circle with you.

Aho, sisters. Blessings to all my relations.

 

 

A Week for the Books

This is the week of all weeks. I'm pleasantly stunned by all that is being released around here and in the ripples that surround me.

This Friday, December 16th, is the day I'll be sharing the beautiful video made by twelve women and I to share with you as an offering for the Winter Solstice. The Mother of All Releasings Ceremony feels so big. There are so many women, tribes, and families who are stepping forward, lighting a fire and tossing in the un-needed, most of which is hinged on FEAR. This week I'll be baring my soul, making my request of the Universe, asking all women to open up and LET GO. If you are hosting a Solstice party or gathering this weekend, the video will put some swirl in your skirt and bring some sacred to your space in preparation.

I will also be giving away two passes to Winter SouLodge on Friday. You heard me right. Class begins January 16th. Tee hee.

This Thursday, I'll be attending the official launch party, with an enormous collection of my friends and community, to celebrate the release of Christine Mason Miller's book Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World. THE WORLD. Putting our creativity to work and living our vision has the power to CHANGE THE WORLD. Yes, it does. I'm so proud to have shared writings and a project in this book.

 

Christine and I have been friends for eleven or more years, when she was manufacturing a greeting card line (Swirly) and I was manufacturing sleepwear (Napcake). We collaborated on pajama designs then and I knew I would want to work with her for as long as she'd have me on her team. At the time, my mission was to create a beautiful permission to rest and Christine totally got it-we were taking big leaps of creative faith at the same time. Jennifer Louden, another super-shero from back in the day, has interviewed Christine at her blog, and reading it reminded me how far it's possible to come in such a short time. From artist to visionary doesn't take long when you line your head up with your heart.

Also on Thursday, the new Squam Art Workshops website is going live. Oh, yes. That is all I can say.

I've created a foundation course for SouLodge, which will be available as a PDF e-Lodge this weekend. Wheeeee and awrooooooo! I've been feeling called to do this since the Summer session ended, and because we covered so many wondrous basics, that I thought it would be really helpful to those just coming in, and answer many questions that come up around what's helpful to know while waiting for a session to begin, or to work the lessons in solitary before coming into the community fully present and accountable. For all of you who have asked for this, thank you. You push me to keep my muzzle to the grindstone, and birth what is ready to be received.

I'm also taking a really huge leap of faith. I will tell you about it when the time is right, but please hold a light for me as I release something I didn't think I was going to, and embrace something I thought I was going to let go of. I am clearing the way for something I once thought impossible. Crazy risky. But crazy good.

I have so much passion for this community, this sacred women's circle. I have a vision in my mind each time I come to this space: I see women with babies on their backs, bread being kneaded, water being carried, the sun drawn down, poetry sang to the rising moon, the fire in the center of it all, skirts swirling, women trusting, letting fly with the spiral dance...this vision comes to me every time I come to write here, and I feel flooded with gratitude every.single.time.

photo by Christine Mason Miller

 

Make Your Own Releasing Bundle Instructions

I'm all goosebumpy writing this. It's with all of the energy I have that I ask the women (and maybe one or two men with heart?) who gather here to honor the Winter Solstice this year by creating a ritual at home or in circle with others in order to release what is of the dated, outmoded ways. Winter Solstice is the shortest, darkest day of the year, which holds the promise of the Light just on the other side of it. On this end, I'm calling it The Mother of All Releasings Ceremony.

If you'd like to make a releasing bundle, as I did for this season's SouLodge participants' kits, here's what you'll need:

A 5x5" square of cotton or hemp fabric

An offering of loose tobacco (I used a very small pinch of tobacco and also some white sage and lavender buds-such small amounts-a little goes a long way.)

Many tiny slips of paper to write your releasing wishes on

A natural fiber cord or string to tie it up with

1. Assemble your plant material on your square of fabric (I chose tattered black linen to represent the imperfect beings we are and also the shadow aspects)

2. Add the slips of paper that you've written what you'll be burning up and away, and roll them up nice and tiny before you add them to the pile.

3. Gather the corners up and tie tightly with hemp twine. It will look like a little ball with pointy tips, or a little black ghost if you turn it upside down.

4. When Solstice arrives on December 22nd, set aside some time and build a fire. If you do not have access to an outdoor firepit, or barbecue, you can burn it outside, in an open space, in an earthenware bowl or abalone shell. The flames will rise, so DO BE CAREFUL and take expert girl scout precautions.

Know that your sisters all around the globe are collectively releasing alongside you, and that we are a tapestry of Women who are paving the way for ourselves to move clearly and confidently from our intentions with this ceremony. Yes, please share what you feel called to at your blog and in your public spaces! I believe that the Earth is ready and willing to take on our emotional dreck and compost it up for us for new and wonderful things to be born from it. Consider making an offering to the Earth of a tiny stone or crystal to thank her for all that she carries for us.

I think it's possible to make this ceremony a biggie. One of the reasons I believe this is because I've been conversing and working with the women of Autumn SouLodge to name (privately and publicly) all that they want to let go of in order to greet 2012 and a shift into greater consciousness with clarity.

I've put my personal circle of women together and we'll be making an AWESOME video to share here to inspire women everywhere to throw the tattered aspects of being into the fire. We're all very keyed up over this and I'll be nailbiting from now until share day. My intention is to raise energy all over the world on December 22nd and make it a celebration of release. I'm seriously laughing as I write this because I feel so strongly about what we are capable of when we can alchemically transform:

Fear into Courage

Not Enoughness into Plenty                   

Old patterns of behavior into fresh responses and vulnerability           

Anger into Cleansing Breath

Sorrow into Hope

Grief into Rebirth

Loneliness into Circle and Support

Disempowerment into Confident Action

Creative Dormancy into Full Expression

Superficiality into True Being

Masks into Love of What Really Is

Shortsightedness into Eagle's Vision

Limitations into Possibility

Projections into Conscious Ownership

Stuckness into Movement

Depression into Light

Bondage into Freedom

Control into a Loose, Flexible Grasp

Obsession into Letting It Be

Anxiety into Flow

Fragmentations into Wholeness

Duality into Oneness

Shame into Acceptance of the Processes of Life

Mistrust into Trust

Judgment into Allowing

You know, the little things that keep us sitting in our own dungeons, stagnant and hungry. There's so much more to name. We've been engaging in a lot of processing around healing, voicing the truth, allowing support/asking for help/asking to be held in silence, and declaring freedoms in the Lodge, and it's been a honor to witness and hold space for the women who are tucked inside, talking, creating and working, and shaking it out. While none of us is walking around living these negative forces all of the time, when it comes time to take action, or when we stumble a bit, these shadowy aspects come rearing up like a viper to keep us inactive. Or maybe shimmying up like old, icky skeletal remains to convince us that we are powerless over that which holds us back.

Imagine if we felt held enough by the Universe, by All That Is, and could shed the old skins to allow a rebirth when the light returns...imagine if we could hold our visions for ourselves as visions for the world and see how what we do as visionary women ripples out and is in alignment with the new consciousness trying to awaken everywhere.

I'm looking forward to carrying the wood to the fire and freeing the stuck bits within myself!

Please tell me if you'll be doing this ritual or your own version of it. I'd like to carry the vision of all of us as we draw toward letting our burdens down. Continuing in the legacy of my teacher and pipe-carrier, Bear Who Dances With the Sky, I'm thrilled to honor the medicine teachings and share them with you here. So much gratitude.

Aho!

Quiet in the West

I'm popping into my little living room nest here to share two yummy looking recipe links that I want to make this week. Now that the time has changed, I'm about ready to have dinner-simple dinner- around the hearth at about five. These look so good I might have leftovers for breakfast.

SouLodge has worked it's way around to the West point on the Medicine Wheel, and many self-care issues are surfacing for me again. I want to create nourishing habits in a big way, in fact, 2012 may very well be my Soup Year. Meals served in bowls with a spoon are my favorite way to eat. There is much acknowlegement of what is being held in and onto, and what is ready to be released. One of many for me is that I'm ready to release eating standing at the counter and honor myself and my meals by sitting down. Maybe even bowing to them.

Slow cooker Sweet Potato Black Bean Chili, from Your Full Plate

It's clear for me right now, as in this moment, that during quiet times, and dark times, I need resources for healthy comfort food. Winter food. Fall food. I bought a three-ring binder today and in it, I'll be piling a bit of seasonal recipes to get me through (oh, yes, it's so rough...) California winter. With seemingly less time in a day and hot food appreciated by all, the slow cooker may be my new best friend.

Parsnip Soup, from the archives at A Pot of Tea and a Biscuit

If you have a nourishing dish you love to make, please share it, or a link to the site where you feature it.

It will be good preparation for all of those holiday feasts we want to bring something extra spiffy to.

Winter Session for SouLodge + Releasing

Good Monday morning, sweet readers. I'm so grateful for this space. I know I say this ad infinitum, but it's so true. It's really hard not to bow to the screen every time I come here, because I truly am living my dream of creating and connecting in exactly the way I know I'm meant to.

I'm working hard behind the scenes to create a beautiful ceremony for the Winter Solstice that I want to invite all of you to be a part of. (Yes, I'll do a button and all of that yummy stuff for you who are so deliciously button-hungry :)

It's called The Mother of All Releasings Ceremonies, and I will perform the ceremony live and share the video here on December 21st, the day before the Solstice, the darkest day of the year. You and hopefully thousands of others can do the same on the 22nd and raise energy and consciousness around this, if you feel called to, which I hope you do!

The reason I feel so strongly about this day and this ceremony, is because I've discovered in my own work, as well as in observance of the women in my classes, that we women are carrying and holding onto and holding *in* SO MUCH. I want to grant permission to do what we are designed to do, which is to gather and empty, gather and empty. It seems that this is on my mind all of the time now. I notice that when I am stepping into my visionary shoes, I cannot afford to drag a dead horse behind me. Women are communing and taking amazing leaps all around me, and none of us need to be stalked by the stagnant and outmoded. I hope you'll join me when the day comes. Envision a fire, and see yourself tossing your old worries and fears in there. The elements love to compost. Let's give them the best of our garbage. The most choice, decaying, bits.

I'll be putting up a recipe here at the end of the month so that you can create your very own releasing bundle, (the same that I created for my Lodge Women), filled with the energy and words that you are ready to let go of in order to greet the new year with open arms, a bright light and no dead anything clinging on and loitering up your beautiful space!

Registration has opened for Winter SouLodge and there are also four-season passes available for all full-length sessions being held in 2012. I'm so excited to be doing this work and sharing my tools and resources with awakened women. It's become a safe and lively container, and I've learned so very much inside the shelter about the true nature of Woman. It keeps my fire burning. :)

Kits, Fokses and Creative Fire

This season. Oh, this season. You are sneaking away from me so quickly like a sly little red fox. In addition to eating the children's Halloween candy...I am trying to soak up as much of the Autumn air as I can. This is the season which always feels like New Year's to me. I don't want it to slip past me. Staying in the present moment has been at times, really easy. Such as when I whipped up a little minky black tail, a kitty cape and pointy ears on an old headband for Ivy's cat costume in under two hours, two days before All Hallow's Eve. Oh, and gaining an hour on the clock last night. That was especially easy to be present for.

But most times I am feeling surrendered to the chaos that is looking at houses many times per week, driving back and forth to Ojai, falling in love with it, transporting back here, grieving this place and loving how we're able to spread out here on this land. There is much talk of releasing coming out of my mouth these days and releasing what was, in order to embrace what would very much like to be, is required. I have not designed that ceremony yet.

I did take some time this week to create Releasing Kits for the wild women of Autumn SouLodge, however. And that was great fun for me.I have to balance the work in my head with work for my hands. Fun! I mean, fun for my hands. It's late. To the photo journal.

Ceremony starts with smudge.

It all began rather innocently.

Tribbles! I mean, er...Releasing Kits!

Rainy days make for good indoor ceremony, and tired mama Lodge leaders with naps in the agenda.

The creative fire is eternal.

 

Two Weeks to SouLodge - One More Week to Register!

We're getting so cozy close to the next session of SouLodge, registration is open for one more week and class begins in two, just before Sacred Samhain, on All Hallow's Eve and at the beginning of the celebration of Dia de los Muertos. I purposely chose this week to begin class, as it is thought to be the time of year when the veils between worlds are thinnest and access to spirit guides and ancestors is within greater reach.

This season we'll be talking a lot about releasing, giving back to the Earth and giving away what no longer serves. It will also be a time to come into clear consciousness about the holidays and how we can create ceremony and ritual around them that feels in alignment with the work of awakened women. A giveaway season is a beautiful time to give away pieces of spirit medicine that has waned in power for you, but may prove to be potent to a dear sister, child or beloved. This time I have a special secret releasing kit I'm mailing out to all participants, which I'm basically silly-giddy about. This will tie into the Mother of All Releasings Ceremony I have planned for Winter Solstice. So I'm sort of feeling like one of Santa's elves...

As with the last session, I'll be offering one-on-one phone council sessions with women in the class, which was a total joy for me last round. As we worked our way around the medicine wheel- connecting with our totem animals, creating traditionally inspired crafts to bind the teachings, and coming into acknowledgment of what our obstacles are, these sessions proved as powerful gateways for women to dig a little deeper with support. The secret is that I delight in these sessions as much as the women I'm working with. They are pure energy and light, of waking up and standing tall. Some of us designed ceremony together to push through resistances, talked over obstacles, while still others just needed permission to be. To know what they know. To do what they do. It's all such an enormous blessing.

I hope you'll join us in the Lodge, run and howl with those already assembled and gearin up. It would be my honor to guide you into and through your deeper landscape where the elements and creatures share their wisdom, and the sisterhood is a warm fire to dance around.

Blessings and moonglow...

 

The Mother Of All Releasings Ceremony + *giveaway winner*

The Moon is in her full splendor tonight as I write this. I am filled with so many feelings surrounding your releasing comments. We all have so much fear, not-enoughness, anxiety, doubt, control, anger, grief...the old baggage, as someone called it. This connection with each of you, over what we are holding onto...well, you know I consider it my life's work to Let Go. To release again and again whatever stands between me and peace. Me and love of one and all, my foolish self included. So this has touched me so deeply, and come at the perfect time.

Misty mentioned that she wanted to "shake it" and I remembered these words when I sampled (and pre-ordered) Florence's new record today, Ceremonials. A beautiful sign! It popped into my field of vision at iTunes just as these thoughts were percolating in the cauldron of my consciousness, meditating on just how heavy the loads are that we carry. We sometimes forget that in order to keep our baskets full of what nourishes us, we must move on from the old.

 

I drove around a little bit tonight, shaking it off, and thinking about what a powerful ritual it would be if we all gathered collectively, on the same day around the world, to Shake It Off. Let it go. And as Florence says, "I'm always dragging that horse around... tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground..."

 I danced in the driver's seat. I threw the devil off my back.

And that's when it hit me like a blast of light.

WE NEED A CEREMONY FOR LETTING GO.

I've created them many times, but never for a large group. And so there came a vision.

Here is how the full moon evening unfolded in my nest from there:

I sat in my studio and put together a Letting Go Kit, which I decided to mail out to each of my Autumn SouLodge sisters the week we begin class on October 31st. It will include the simple ingredients we will need to create a charged-up little container to hold all that we want to release.

The session will end on December 4th, and we will have once again circled around the Medicine Wheel and worked with the elements that have come up for us, looking at where our resistance is, flushing out what wants to come into the light and be expressed and embraced, come face to face with our guides and creature totems, working with them to overcome the obstacles that give us access to Source in a way that is meaningful to each of us. We will have discovered what no longer serves and how we want to proceed. We will declare it.

THEN, when Winter Solstice arrives on December 22nd, we can all take our little packages stuffed with fear, grief, not-enoughness, doubt, rage, disappointment...ALL OF IT to the fire. We will take it to the fire: be it at a roaring bonfire, a fireplace, a chiminea on a deck, or a firesafe bowl in our kitchen sinks, and we will burn those babies up. ALL ON THE SAME DAY, creating an agreement with our sisters around the world to Let It Go. To dance around the sacred fire of our awesomeness and watch our bundles go up in flames! Can you imagine?!

And all just in time for the New Year, which is by no accident, 2012, the year the Mayan calendar beckons us to move into the next dimension of consciousness. The one in which fear, doubt, self-loathing, and not-enoughness, are not needed. They have tried to serve us well as protective forces, however, their time is up. The darkest day of the year is the perfect time to create energy around this letting go. How can we go wrong if we collect all of our desires to release, and do it in sacred, feminine ceremony in the company of hundreds of other women on the cusp of the return of the Light?

Time and again, the image of dancing around a fire comes up for us in journeywork in the Lodge. It is time to make this real!

I was guided to call this The Mother Of All Releasings Ceremony.

I'll make a huge deal out of this on my blog, as well as in my public spaces, I'll provide you with buttons to share at your home sites if you wish, discover a way for those of you who cannot attend Lodge to participate, and share all of the details of how to take advantage of this potential for transformation and make it real. I'll share a video from around a fire to connect us all in this rite of passage on the day of Winter Solstice.

There will be flames. And there will be dancing! And there will be releasing.

This is an exercise in letting go and of binding the medicine. Of owning your power as an intuitive woman, which you do not have to try to be- it is your birthright.

Judgment, guilt, negativity, unkindness to our bodies, shame, stuckness -Mama Earth is always ready to take it from us, and together with the alchemy of fire, make something useful out of it- leaving us free to TRUST that we are so much more than what we needlessly carry around.

We get to take the first steps as a community, TOGETHER, to shake it off, in the Mother Of All Releasings Ceremony, on the upcoming Solstice.

 

***************************************

Thank you to Lauren of VisionWise, for sharing her work so generously with us here. She is offering a 15% discount at her shop using the Coupon Code: INTENTION.

Erica Wilson won the giveaway for the pouch, and she said, "Blessed be this season of release and balance! I wish to let go my belief that I do not deserve the beauty and blessings of my life. I deserve to be loved and can let it all in. I would like to cultivate the belief that I have valuable and beautiful and powerful things to share with the world. Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful. Blessed be our Journey."

I couldn't agree more. Blessed be our journey as women in love with our lives and living our visions.

SouLodge registration is open now and will close on October 24th.

Welcome Magical October and Medicine Giveaway

Thank you all so much for your sweet, wise and supportive comments about Bee and Miles. I am feeling so much stronger for it. I love this community so dearly.

This week I'm super excited to give away this beautiful Forest Sprite deerskin pouch.

Before I get down to business, I also want to mention that there are exactly five card decks left after the Squam raid, and they can be found in my shop now. It'll be a few weeks before the next batch comes in, so grab 'em while they're hot.

Now, it is with proud relief that I announce that there are officially no more medicine bundles available in my shop for sale. Because the good news is that I've evolved into full time teaching of how to discover and create your own medicine by my heart's own hearth, the SouLodge (the Autumn Session is coming up on October 31 and filling quickly). This has felt like the right direction for me to go, as the intensity of new energy among women is building, and Trust that we know our own way is becoming a common language between us. My invitation to you is to accept your own power to go in, dig deep and goldmine for that inner medicine. What is coming up in these sessions (I'm hosting a private one right now, as well) is really astounding, and I'll share some of what women are saying here soon soon.

I've put in a shiny lump of hematite-for magic, reflection, grounding, for removing self-limitation, for confidence building, and soul protection.  And Lauren has graciously offered up a quartz point, which brings an offering of self-healing, removing negative energy, and clarity. I've also included some white sage leaves to bump that purification up a notch further, and really assist in dissolving those aspects that are ready to be released into the psychic compost pile and create room for something new to come into being.

Leave a comment here to enter, and if you feel called to, please share what you would most like to release down into Mama Earth as we pull inward with the changing season- or for those of you who live where Spring is quickening, release up and out into the fresh sky. Check back next Wednesday to see if you're the lucky winner.

So many blessings to all of you, as this fine and magickal month opens up her simmering brew of possibility to us all.

Stretching Out: Summer Sun

Every day here is like being on vacation. Wake up. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Have leisurely breakfast...two or three times. Look around for bird feathers outside the casita. Laugh at frisky squirrels jumping from tree to tree. Pack lunch. Go to violin lesson where teacher adores him and allows Ivy and I play on her kids' swingset. Make tracks to the beach or other soothing body of water (of which there are many). Pick sand out of crevasses. Eat a sandy sandwich. Notice that everyone in the water is wearing a wetsuit but us. Drive home, hose off, and lounge around some more.

Midweek has become my weekend since Operation Ojai has been in effect. It feels indulgent to be at the beach on a Thursday, which I thought was Wednesday for most of the day. These slow days have become epic for my children and I, as we near the first homeschool meet up and also look for homes in the area that we can grow into, and strong in.

My baby in a ponytail makes her seem like so much more a girl. It won't be long before she'll be taking music lessons, surfing the waves, and much more interested in shopping for Fall clothes than her brother. This is a blessed life. One in which we can play hard in the saltwater, eat healthy food, laugh, and enjoy life.Together.

I've been gathering plants to make medicine with in this gorgeous climate, which has, you know, all the really awesome plants. White sage, growing right on the path to the swimming hole, wild fennel, yarrow, sweet peas, toyon, manzanita. Just to savor the essence of summer a little longer. Hawk, Rabbit, Coyote, Bat, Possum, Blue Jay, and the subtle sense of that solar queen, Mountain Lion, are all around. So much symbolism to carry around in my knapsack.

Wishing you a blissful dog-days weekend, Full Mama Moon, and all the ponytails and laughter your heart can bear.

Summer's Offerings at SouLodge

Half way between the Summer Solstice and Autumn Equinox sits a little celebratory holiday that the Celts call Lammas. It's been written that the earliest harvest of grain occurs today, and that bread made with todays grain will be a bit risky. It may not be as rich in color as Autumn's wheat, or as ripe in flavor, but that the benefit lies in the possibility of the early seeds. The festival is a reminder that everything has a beginning: ideas, shifts, new ways of receiving nourishment. All change comes from a place that beckons us a little deeper into the full, robust flavor of our lives. The energetic shift can be felt in the in-between seasons, as well as when they appear on the calendar to call us to movement. I even just love sensing the subtle changes in the way the sunlight comes through my windows.

The creatures are slimmer, lighter, and seeking water from different sources now, their babies of Spring finding their own relaxed footprints behind them as they sink into their wild ways, and the instinctual natures that will ensure their survival. Ants are coming up out of every crack and crevasse, showing my children and I how to work communally, and for wholeness, carrying seeds (and bits of dog kibble!) on their backs many times their weight.

Summer's hot breezes, cool dips into swimming holes, ripening fruit, and long, playful days, feel expansive to me. Juxtaposed to Winter-a time of cozying down and becoming perhaps a bit more quiet and inward-Summer is a season to connect, to build campfires together, to feast, to storytell, and to acquaint ourselves in community. It is a time of intimacy and openness of hearts, for guidance to flow in like the sun's rays- warming us up to our potential, readying us for the coming harvest, which will carry us through Fall's crisp drawing down, and Winter's bundled-up months.

Part of the experience in the SouLodge is to gather at the long table of the season and break bread together. The teachings and relevance of the seasons creates presence, and grounds us, binding the medicine of what wants to come in and be shared in the waning days of light.

I'm thrilled to be able to host this sacred space...and to do it online! I am full of hope that the fluid experience of communing together, creating ritual, crafting, journeying, practicing gratitude, and going deeper into ourselves, will secure the lessons that Summer brings for all of us. Please join me in the Lodge, if you feel called, and share this post with someone who you think might love what is being created. Registration closes Wednesday, and Lodge begins on Monday!

So much Lammas gratitude!

Gifts From the Mountain

A weekend spent camping with my family and good friends was exactly what the Inner Taskmistress did not order. Which is why I leapt at the chance to defy her, in a season so busy with doing. Nature recharges me fully, and these particular woods and trees have been a favorite gathering spot for years. Seeing my babies play and thrive away from media-hula hooping, stargazing, eating camp bacon with dirty fingers, and drumming the sun down did my heartspace a lot of good.

Breakfast made on a wood fire just tastes better.

Camp coffee, mmmm.

Waking up to the tall, green, Standing People.

Sleepy little camper.

The trees sang with the rainfall and laughed at the sky-cracking thunder.

Yarrow, mamaHealer, was growing all over the place.

A purple sunset.

 

The Perfect Creative Model

 

Desert Bird of Paradise.

Something about native plants reminds me of the innate power of nature to inspire the creative process. Traveling each week to Ojai and seeing the difference in flora from here in the Central Valley wakes up my senses, which have become a bit numbed by ornamental garlic and parking lot maples. The sycamores even look different there, hearty and creekside, growing at sharp angles and adapting to the course of the wind. Years ago, I had the opportunity to work for, and study under, a California native plant expert, and it transformed my relationship to plants, medicinal and otherwise. I came to know them by their botanical names and still enjoy speaking them as if it's a language only some can understand. Though it sounds all scientific-hoity toity and probably annoys the heck out of anyone on a hike with me.

I fell in love with Indian Paintbrush, Mountain Mahogany, Queen Anne's Lace, Owl's Clover, Sticky Monkey Flower, Coyote Bush, Yerba Santa, yucca, manzanita, buckwheat, yarrow, rabbit brush, mountain sage, juniper, poppies, lupine and penstemon that I could call out to on my drive to and from my sacred home in the national forest. I would listen for the ones that were launching their seeds out onto the wind, the legumes pop!ping and seeming so active in their creative process.

Why does being out in nature connect us to our own creative process? Why was Henry Thoreau at his peak of sacred writing when he "went into the woods to be alone"? And Anne Morrow Lindbergh by the Sea? Nature + solitude seems to bring out the best in us when it comes to distilling our gifts down, allowing us to return proud of our efforts.

For me, sitting in the wind, seeing the magical diversity of every plant, (even the closely related ones), claiming their color and their scent, watching them propagate at their own feet, experiencing the abundance and tenacity of plants and trees to come back year after year through merciless rains, droughts, prunings, and even the dormant years when the conditions simply aren't right for them to appear...it all leaves me feeling as if my own creative offerings are as useful, as unique, and as prolific.

When you go out into the wild, what transpires? How do you experience the plants and trees, the stones and sky in a way that exalts your relationship to your medium? How do you approach the work after an inspiring day in your natural environment?

 

 

Chillin'

burning woman*

i'm too tired to capitalize, i'm sorry, friends. my beltane weekend away brought so so much teaching, movement and unexpected growth. best moments were cackling it up under the stars around a fire with some amazing women who traveled a long way to play with me and my local wild women. most surprising was coming home a day early to tend to my own homefire.

here is a photo journal of some of my favorite moments...

the day began with picking up my cohorts and going out for the absolute BEST veggie burgers and fries ever in the world at r&d, on montana ave. in santa monica. if you're in the neighborhood, do not pass them up. the food is magical. i wish i'd snapped the mascarpone and berries for you to drool over.

 

terri working her henna skillz on kirsten.

and again on julie...

 

beach shenanigans, which involved wine drinking and cheerleading jumps in the ocean.

terri, kirsten and julie.

photo by terri

altar building

talking stickin'

tarot card readin'

it was a weekend of laughter and merriment, but also one of deep emotional processing and exhaustion. it is said that beltane is all about fertility, may day, as it were. i would say we covered some pretty fertile territory, unearthed some deep roots, shifted our perspectives and learned a lot about what we have to let go. what i tried to bear in mind on this adventure was to know what i needed and ask for what i want. isn't that sometimes the hardest thing to do? to claim what's already yours-and to stand in the confidence of that decision?

i plan to go camping (or glamping as one husband had referred to it, as his wife journeyed toward) each beltane and for every natural holiday that i possibly can. i love that there is purpose in these days that mark mid-spring and solstices, that there is a history there to add to the toolkit for growing and learning. sometimes the lesson is to sit still and stop growing! and i embrace those teachings, too, as i tend to get easily obsessed with movement. however, this time movement swept me up and away without warning, and through the eye of a very small needle.

i hope that your holy day of fires on the mountain found you releasing the old and making way for the new, in one way or another, dramatically or softly.

Making Magic

There are so many ways to do it. For Ivy, it's Clover Stirfry.

 

For me, it's embracing healing, changing energy.

 

For Miles, it's creating beauty.

 

How do you make magic?

Plants and Stones

It has been a full few days. Sunday, I tinctured with Grandmother Nettles well into the night. I'm going to do a seperate post on making the mother tinctures, because it deserves it's own post. I will say that I loved being up late making magic like a kitchen witch on the night of New Moon while all lay quiet in the house.

Monday I had a little minor surgery in the morning and came home all shot out of the gate, and sat in bed with my laptop ordering supplies and returning emails. Not even the pain pills keep me down, and I say this with no pride.

I needed to replenish many stones I'd run out of, plus charms, deerskin, and of course, along the way I fell in love with some new ones. I'm making a custom bundle for someone with Stage 4 Lymphoma and this black kyanite wing appeared and tapped me on the shoulder...this thing is incredible, I can hardly put it down.

Bornite, also called peacock ore, is my new love. It is a supercharged positive mineral associated with pure joy and spinning the chakras to a blissful tune.

The wisteria is in full flower, making our arbor smell heavenly.

Miles discovered the biggest clover we've ever seen...

...and presented me with a sunny day bouquet.

I'm working heavily with the birds again, having begun three paintings tonight-the first since January! I could feel that quiet settle over me...I've missed it so much. Big birds. Hawks. Eagles. Griffin. Phoenix. Turkey Vulture. Raven. They are swooping in and removing, building, hatching, rebirthing...doing the work they're so good at.

Who's rapping at your chamber door?

Once Upon a Nettle

If you are my Facebook "friend" you may be right tired of hearing the word nettles. I have become an absolute fanatic about them, considering that they are growing wild all over our back property and in full season right now. There has been many a lively discussion about what to do with them and how to endure their prickly, welty stings in order to come to know the one known as the little Grandmother with a broom who comes in and gets to work moving things along.

Today I collected her leaves three times for three cups of tea, for the sinus infection I'm suffering. I just picked the leaves and some of the tops and stuffed them into a mug about half-way to the top, and then poured boiling water over them. I picked them fresh each time to make sure that the life and energy of the plant was at it's peak. The first cup was very clearing and satisfying, and I used a neti pot afterward with great success. I chomped her wilty leaves from the bottom of my cup. The sting leaves the plant after about 3 minutes after being picked when the acid in the needles loses it's mojo.

Nettles contain more protein than any other native green, her claim to fame being breaking down uric acid lickity split, having a curative effect on kidney conditions, mucus in the intestines, and gout. She attacks mucus like a crimefighting ninja superhero and I've had better luck with her than with any other herb. She loves to grow around junk heaps, where the soil is unfavorable, making gold out of the worst conditions. I consider her an alchemist. The possibilities of her use are endless. Matthew Wood tells a story of a man with no feeling in his legs flogging them with nettles and regaining feeling, allowing him to walk again. Isn't that wild?

When I harvested tonite, under the starlit sky, I was alone and in no hurry, so I took my time talking to her, listening, I sang her a native song, peed nearby as an offering, and thanked her, promising to bury some crystals and medicine near her roots with the children tomorrow.

I love how the kids are learning to respect her, though her sinister needles have impaled them mercilessly. They seem to be appreciative of the gifts that plants give us, and Miles has noticed that she springs up for free, with no effort at all, every Spring. As he prepares to plant his vegetable garden, I see him lingering near the wild dandelions, lying in the flowering clover, inspecting the weeds. I wonder if he is curious about cultivated plants versus wild ones. I hope he asks me why they're both important. I think he'll figure it out on his own...

She Hangs Brightly

It's been quite a weekend with this amazing moon, Ivy's second birthday and the Equinox all falling together beautifully. Here's a little photo journal of our adventures together.

First to UCLA to catch Dan Zanes, the kids favorite band ever.

Wearing her Bellawish birthday necklace that reads, "angelfish".

Miles and his favorite drummer, Colin.

I thought I had a cake mix at home, but I bought two boxes of frosting mix instead, so cake from scratch it was. I modified the apple cake from the Cast Iron Skillet Cookbook, added strawberries, used oat flour instead of all-purpose, cut the grated apples by two thirds, left out the nutmeg, added extra cinnamon...

...voila! Strawberry cake with pink glaze and berries, just as the wee goddess requested. It was super moist, so much better than I expected it to be. I never use regular cake pans any more. Cast iron is where it's at.

Out to sit by the campfire and throw herbs on it. Myrrh (for the rebirth of Spring) and lavender (for a calm transition back into the active season) made my dreads smell so yummy. Can you see death taking wing in there and getting ready to be born again?

And there she rose. Peeking up over one of the clouds that would not thwart her appearance.

And seconds of singing and cake the next day, of course.

Have a wonderful Monday, and a beautiful first day of Spring!

A Week of Holidays

Medicine Lodge

Sioux Lodge

Saturday night I drove two and a half hours to Pasadena to attend my first lodge in a long time. It was a rainy torrent on the road, but I arrived just on time- to a roomful of strangers, all seeking a polishing of their spirits for the Solstice.

It was a powerful sweat, and a hot one, too. Especially that fourth round. The water-pourer kept that round short, but I could feel the water and all that I was letting go raining off of me in streams at that point, like tributaries flowing generously and sacrificially into the Great Mother.

Let me back up a bit and tell you about what I was really there for.

Midwinter is a traditional time for purification. It symbolizes a housecleaning and detoxification to prepare for the longer, deeper days of winter ahead. Though we celebrate the sun's return, it will be much colder before it gets warmer, in this hemisphere, anyway.

I consider that so many of us are Lightbringers. It is as if we have awoken to our collective purpose of giving away the best of ourselves so that others and the Earth will benefit. Thus, ceremoniously welcoming the Sun back to his seasonal throne, feels affirming to me. It feels a fitting celebration for the creative work ahead.

I went to release grief. Grief of the things which cannot be and that no longer are. Grief that clings and punishes when it has stayed on beyond its healing usefulness.

I was there to release fear, always fear. Because as soon as I think I'm the bravest mama in the world, something new creeps up and scares the holy beejeesus out of me and I have to learn to release that one.

I went to meet up with ego voices and the higher selves of those I share conflict with, to sit with them at the confrontation table of trance and heat, and to listen, and receive an understanding between us, and from higher Selves and guides, about how to proceed.

I went for messages from my ancestors about the things I have no control over- time-related grievances that can only be understood and accepted outside of the castle of time, in the deep and magical forest of trust and *always*.

I've carried many heavy burdens this year, as a year tends to pile up on a being, and this time of Peace on Earth is the perfect occasion to lighten the load and cultivate peace within. I felt called to sit in the lodge as the rain pelted the exterior, chanting and prayer-speaking in unison with fourteen others.

And I went to crawl out.

Exiting a sweat lodge feels like being born. Imagine the energy and heat that accumulates as we are making our way into this world. A Midwinter sweat, with it's focused intention and collective vision charges a lodge likewise. So as anticipated, I crawled out in the end, soaking wet and mostly naked, stopping to bless the Earth and my relations with my forehead to the wet ground, and stepped out into the darkness and cold winter rain outside the flap.

I went to brighten my soul up, release the funk, and ready my skin for the new year. My voice felt and sounded extra clear as I chatted and ate like a horse at the feast afterwards in the kitchen of the Firekeeper, who'd asked me to create a heartbeat while inside with one of his drums, at the instruction of the water-pourer. A huge honor.

A very young first time sweater spoke at the closing circle, saying that when he came in to get dressed, he'd studied himself in the mirror and noticed that something had transformed. His eyes were more...sparkly. He felt alive in a really different kind of way. It's no wonder the ancestors created so many roads to rise up and meet the Spirit. And it's not a bit surprising that so many of us are finding our ways back to them.

The Baba Yaga

Sami storehouse, Stockholm, which bears an uncanny resemblance to the chicken-footed hut of the Baba Yaga.

 

I'm totally headed for the hut again. This time I'm working to expand my toolbelt. I'm currently facing a challenge of rather large proportion that I feel extremely ill-equipped to handle alone-which is the only way I can do it.

I am in the process of creating a list of trials to complete during 2011, which I hope will help me to gain the skills and ego-strength needed to overcome my fierce adversaries. I don't think I'm ready to appear swordless in front of the two-headed dragon, which is how big my fear of this feels at times.

There are many, "I can'ts", "I don't know where to begins" and "Why didn't I get a degree in blahblahblahs", as well as scores more obstacles on the road ahead that I'm already hearing about in a series of strange cartoonish inner voices.

I'll be seperating a ton of black grains from a ton of peas, spinning flax into gold, questing for fire, and collecting the golden fleece. Attempting the impossible-doing the things I never thought I could do. The scary Baba Yaga, flying through the air in her mortar, paddling the air with her pestle, while threatening to eat me alive will no doubt test my courage and trigger my deepest fears.

As the solstice approaches, I'm growing my list of everything to be released. I'll be attending my first sweat in years, since I began having babies and nursing them through, which seems to be another aspect of this transition I've been experiencing between one who has babies and one who is finished having babies. At the top of my list to release at the lodge is that grief. I cry each time (like right now) I acknowledge that I am moving beyond that sacred place. I didn't see it coming when I was in the earlier stages of my mama bliss. It really hit me when I was weaning Ivy back in the summertime.

The body holds on to so much, doesn't it? And the mind spins a story that works to hold on, too. Unravelling those tales to find the meaning underneath is not easy. I'm asking for courage and endurance. I'm asking to stay open and vulnerable.

And so the Winter Solstice preparations begin as the light readies to return to the earth. Change flickers in the lantern, which I carry with me down the wooded road toward Her.

 

 

Wishing Well

 

Well of Grief

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source
from which we drink
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for
something else.

-David Whyte

 

I'm not hanging out with the Swamp Hag again, but this poem reminds me so much of my time with her. Today seemed like a good day to honor her riches, the very last day of the month of November, a month which seems to be gold like the treasure found in her haggy presence.

Have you ever read this book, by the way? I love it so. Starhawk was the very first author I read when I put my feet on this road out loud (The Spiral Dance), and she holds a special Grandmotherly place in my heart.

Reverence comes in and settles down for a comfortable nap inside of my bones these days. When I begin to paint animals, they all want to be white. They all speak to me of connection, family, stillness, divine mediocrity, the quiet quest. It reminds me of what it must be like to be a bear, cuddled up in a cave while awaking now and again to appreciate the snowy landscape outside before circling and falling again into dreamtime.

It's a beautiful time to count blessings and share love, unlike any other. I get very swept up in the giving spirit of this holiday. Each time we read a book featuring a likeness of Santa, I feel choked up. There really is a magic about giving and taking care of others warmly during the cold season. I'm still crying as often as my eyes will leak, keeping the seeds damp underground as they rest.

I've taken to sleeping with two Coyotes, a Silver Fox and the Black Wolf, the latter being a gift I will share about here soon. Sleeping under a pile of dogs has taken me to some lovely country in the dreamtime, again: white with snow and dormancy to rest in and sift through during the silent hours.

Winter is becoming like a religion to me. Come January, it will be much harder to show up joyfully for worship-but for now, I am pleased here in the desert, a soft, thick blanket of downy flakes on my mind.

Honest Enough

What
Do Sad people have in
Common?
It seems
They have all built a shrine
To the past
And often go there
And do a strange wail and
Worship.
What is the beginning of
Happiness?
It is to stop being
so religious
Like
That.

-Hafiz, "Stop Being So Religious"

 

I love this poem, though I'm a big fan of wailing until the wailing feels complete. And then, that's enough wailing for me about that.

I double clicked out of a photo grab earlier, and erased an entire post on truth. My truth, and what it has felt like to go through the mill and out the other side this year. And all about knowing I'm headed for more grinding in the coming year, as I face more of my own disquieted stirrings- no longer in agreement about keeping still in the dungeon I've exiled them to.

At first I said the familar words and phrases as I looked to my drafts folder to see it missing, "You've got to be kidding me..." and the urge to toss my laptop out the window rose mightily in me, as it does several times per workday. Then a quicker-than-usual surrender came in to sit with me and I walked over to paint and ponder my grief at the words and 45 minutes I'd lost forever. Wailing and worshipping quietly.

I've been painting since then, a series of soft, wintry holiday sentiments who have been swirling in me for months. I love painting in blues and whites...maybe a little ochre. If I ever had a quiet room of my own, I would unconsiously paint it these colors. The winter palettes are my favorite ones to create with.

Returning to this "page", I wonder if all that I said about my truth was worth sharing. I can already feel the energy of '11 coming in loud and clear. At the beginning of this year, I sort of noticed that self-care would be my focus. That this would be a time when I would truly make my health and my time a priority instead of saying yes to everything and wearing myself out, leaving me grouchy and unfulfilled.

I can sense that it opened the doorway to honoring my short life here; it would now seem as though I've climbed out of all of my safe boxes and I am standing right here naked in the rain, with no choice to go back and live among any of the illusions I created for myself. I can tell you that I didn't exactly see this coming.

I've taken a shotgun to those constructs made of old wounds, and I remember, each time I begin to put on the old shroud, that it isn't worth it, that it is incongruous with what I've already learned. And I find that I am left with a short-lived ache, and then a wide open life in front of me. And being one who has in the past suffered a mad case of blank-canvas syndrome, I have shot that to pieces as well. And so I don't even have fear of the unknown to cradle me in it's trembling fluff. Even that, so reliable in the past, is a useless string that makes distracting music no more.

I'm feeling it again so strongly this day. In the stillness I sit. No shroud. No protection. No umbrella. No old story to save me or make sense of it all.

In the lack of it, I feel no void, no hunger. I'm just sitting here, enjoying the silence.

 

 

 

Practice

Come and sing!

Come and sing in the old way,

Come and make the sun shine

So the corn will grow,

The squash will grow,

The beans will grow.

-Hopi

 

As Thanksgiving nears, I hear the sounds of practicing around the house. Saying to each other, "What are you grateful for?" and "I will make a card for Jeff, (his violin teacher), because I'm thankful that he teaches me" and "I'm grateful for...um...having YOU".

As I picked out special Belgian beers and Panettone, to eat with the butter he and Paw Paw will be churning, Miles lugged a very tall s'mores kit and a tabletop ping pong set through World Market. His little hands wrapped tightly around the packages, chosen after his usual bedtime, asking, "Can I please have a ginger snap with lemon curd on it when we get home?"

Keeping him out late and plying him with warm chocolate milk is something I was indulgent about, and grateful for.